Tuesday, August 30, 2016

And here we are.

I guess if we get anything from this whole situation, at least it ignited my desire to write once again.

For two years I have told myself that I don't have the time, but here I am. Three posts, three days. It's amazing what you can accomplish when it is a priority to you.

Let's talk about life now. And how we got here.

It's been a long time after all, I'm sure you need to be caught up.

So...

John is almost 2 1/2. He's amazing. He is equal parts sweet, funny, crazy, insane, brave, sensitive, smart, caring, etc. etc. etc. I know I'm his mom, but he's pretty much the most exquisite creature I've ever met. I mean, don't get me wrong. There's days that he makes me want to run for the hills, but he's awesome.

Work is ridiculous. I mean, I used to love my job. Who can say that? I loved my job. My boss was amazing. I loved my work. My coworkers were cool. It was great. Then some bullshit went down, my boss switched positions, I got passed over for a promotion, and my new boss was a questionable choice. So yeah...that's been a living hell, BUT ya know, it pays the bills. SO, I keep going in and refrain from screaming.

Alex got the answer to all of our prayers. A new job. He was at his old job for over 8 years. It was time to move on. He had done all that he could do there. He hadn't had a raise in over 8 years. He was killing himself every day and he worked Saturdays. It was rough. He's always worked Saturday, longer than I've known him. But, it was getting increasingly hard with John. Sometimes I just wished that we could be a normal family on the weekends. But it was just a constant battle of trying to fit in a week of bullshit into a Sunday. Family time, Grandparent visits, errands, etc. It was tough.

He finally got the opportunity for an absolutely amazing job. We were so blessed that this came to us. He worked his ass of to make sure that he had everything that he could to help him get it and he did. We are so excited. He finished up his old job this week and he took a week and a half before he starts his new one. He gets out at 3:30 every day (instead of 5:30-6:00 like he used to). Not Saturdays (unless he wants to). Holidays. Time Off. Sick time. Pension. Amazing benefits. It's amazing.

So, imagine our surprise when everything seemed to fall into place. We always talked about how it would be impossible to have two children with his schedule. It was really hard to have so much time with John by myself. To have the main responsibility for needing to get him every day, or if he was sick, or getting everything he needs done. Now, Alex and I will both have a considerable amount of time with all of us together. It's just a whole different world.

And then everything fell into place. New job. New Baby. What a happily ever after.

Until it wasn't.

I'm feeling a bit...angrier today. I'm trying not to be because I know that it is such a long dark road. And I know that once you go down that road, it is SO hard to get off of it. But, it's hard. It's so hard. It was such an ugly place to be in. I just don't want to be there again. So I'm trying. I'm trying so hard.

I keep asking, "why", but I know that I will never know the answer.

I have an appointment with my doctor next week. Apparently more than one miscarriage is a "thing". Yeah... a "thing". So, that's fun. I don't honestly think that they will find anything, which will be frustrating in its own way, but at least we'll know.

I'm not sure what else to write. I think anything else at this point will be forced. But that's where we are. Life was looking up. Until it wasn't.

And here we are. 

Monday, August 29, 2016

Again...

I woke up this morning a little bit in disbelief that I am here again.

My head has been pounding for two days. I can't figure out if it is from the crying and stress or if it is from the drop in hormone levels. Dr. Google suggested I drink more water, which I did. I waited until the appropriate time and switched my beverage of choice to something with a little more kick.

Ahh the upside of miscarriages, all the wine you can drink.

It's hard to wrap my head around my "new normal". I was just getting into remembering that I was pregnant and that there were things that I could and couldn't do, eat, etc. I had come to the realization that I had forgotten a great deal of the "rules" before, so I was starting to do a little more research on things.

But, I guess I don't need to do that anymore. I can eat what I want. I can do what I want.

Lucky me.

I finally talked to my doctor today. She apologized for the shitty treatment I was given and basically confirmed everything that I was thinking. She was very sweet and I remembered why I stayed with her even though she is far from convenient now. She has been with me through my entire journey.

We scheduled an appointment for next week. She wants to make sure that my levels go back down to zero. She also wants to do some follow-up testing to make sure that there isn't a reason why this keeps happening. I'm not sure what's worse, the not knowing and it could happen at any time or there actually being a reason. If there is a reason, then maybe something could be done. Or not. So there's that.

The emotions come in waves. I'll be fine, going about my day, and then I remember. Remember what I don't have anymore. Remember that all of our plans have changed. Remember that everything is different.

My go-to reaction when my life is spinning out of control is to grab ahold of everything that I can control and try to make it all nice and neat and pretty. I'm trying to let go of my plan. Trying to ignore the fact that we are benched for at least the next two months, ruining all of our plans for next Summer. I have to remember that I will be so incredibly lucky for all of my plans to be ruined next Summer.

It pushes back all of our plans though. Makes it further between John and his sibling's age. But, I have to remember that I will be incredibly lucky to have John and his sibling have any difference in age.

This changes my whole perspective on a third child. Will be have to go through this again? How many times will be have to go through this again until we have a healthy, sweet baby in our arms? Will be ever have another healthy, sweet baby in our arms? What if John is all we get? Not to say that he is "all we get", he's more than I ever could have dreamed. I just always pictured myself surrounded by a couple little goobers. Looking around at the chaos of it all and being so incredibly thankful for how full my heart is.

The future is unknown and I think that's the scary part. Or maybe it is more that there's a future that I didn't know about looming before me. Is this a blip on our radar? Or is this our life now? How long do we do this? How much must we go through?

The waiting was tough before. I'm glad that we "hopefully" don't have to wait nearly as long as we did before to get started again, but that's still undetermined as well. Will things happen on their own? Will I need to go to the hospital again? When will things get back to "normal"? Will things get back to normal? What is our normal?

I'm trying hard to keep moving. To keep going. To just keep swimming. If I don't stop, then I can't drown right? I'm still letting myself feel, have my moments, talk. But, I'm trying not to dwell. But the waiting. The waiting is hard. Every day that we are "waiting" is a day that we do not have any control over this.

We don't have any control over this.

We don't have any control over this.

We don't have any control over this.

It's hard to let go of the life that you thought you would have. The life that you wanted. The life that you prayed for. It's hard to realize that there is another baby that you thought you were going have that you will never get to hold. It's hard to realize that I am back in this hell again. This deep, dark hell.

I can't believe I am here again.

I can't believe I am here again.

I can't believe I am here again. 

Friday, August 26, 2016

The Waiting...

It's been forever since I've written. Sometimes I miss it. The outlet. The relationships. I consider myself lucky that I have still maintained a great deal of my relationships with the amazing women that I met through blogging. I am lucky to have these women. They know some of my deepest darkest secrets. There's something safe about bearing it all to someone who doesn't know your "real life". In a world of people who spent most of their time talking about everyone else's news, rather than their own, there's a comfort in knowing that you were able to get things off your chest without anything changing in your day to day.

I think that's what drew me to blogging in the first place. I always kept a journal. A diary. Some place where my deepest darkest secrets were kept. Sometimes I wonder if I should hunt them all down and burn them. Wondering what would happen if anyone found them. I cringe at some things that I wrote. Embarrassed for decisions I made. But, I try to remind myself that all of those decisions went into who I am today. Good or bad. They shaped me. Just like all of my life experiences. Everything that I have been through, has deeply contributed to the person that I have become.

I guess that's what brings me back here. These "experiences".

It's happening again.

Alex and I had been talking about adding to our family for  some time. The outside pressure from literally everyone we knew (including strangers at grocery stores) for us to have another baby was insane. Alex was more ready than I was. It just didn't feel right yet. But, we developed a timeline that we thought would work for us and moved forward. I had those small moments of panic when the time came. Like that moment before you jump out of a plane, where you wonder why you're doing this, and whether it is too late to turn back. But, I remembered that most of life's grandest adventures are scary, so we trudged on and I truly felt ready.

We followed the "rules". I read extensively about miscarriage risks. What could contribute to them. How long to wait. I started my prenatal vitamin the 3 months before we started trying, like I should. Then we waited. We had a timeline. A "perfect" month. One that would give me most of the Summer off without really impacting anything that we would want to do while I healed and we got used to being a family of four. (And when I say "we", I mean "me". Alex is of the "whenever" camp, and I am of the, "this is how I would like to plan my life to be". You know what they say God does when you plan right?)

So, we came to "perfect month" and I thought we had missed it. Things were weird. Things were different. Plans didn't go as I thought they would and I tried to remember that I have no control over this. That even if I do everything 100% perfect on my side, there is still some ridiculous chance of it actually happening, like 20% or something. So, I let it go. Until things changed.

And I knew. My gut. I knew. Everything was different. I knew. So I patiently waited for confirmation. But, even when I got it, I was unsettled. It wasn't dark enough. It wasn't clear enough. 74,000 tests later, I finally "relaxed" and accepted the news. I told Alex. We told Nicole and Jamie. And we went forward.

I told myself that I would let my past experiences shape this. That I was going to go through this with the utmost positivity. That despite my 50/50 record, this would work out alright. I called the doctor, made the appointments, but the problem is that she switched to a new practice. This new practice doesn't perform ultrasounds until 13 weeks, and that's only if you request that testing. I started to panic a little. That's too long. I explained my situation, I explained my past, and they agreed to do blood work. Hoping to score an early ultrasound, I went through the steps and waited for the results.

That's when the dread kicked in. The worry. Mother's intuition, right? The numbers came back low. So low. 137. As is protocol, they have you come back 2 days later, because you can tell nothing from one blood draw. I tried to quiet my worry, but I was unsettled. The next number, 72 hours later, 240. It didn't double.

I called the doctor immediately so that she could tell me that it was OK. That it was normal, they range greatly, that it almost doubled so it was close enough. I waited. Nothing. I called the next day. Nothing. Eight-thirty last night I received an email from her. She stated that my levels were low and not doubling like they should and I needed to go back today to get it drawn again. I tried to quiet the worry again. This happens all the time. Some are just slow starters. It would be OK.

But, when I was driving home I lost it. It was all too much. I couldn't believe that I was "here" again. I called my mom and cried. I wanted her to know about it before "it" didn't exist anymore, if it ever did. We had planned on telling our parents this weekend. Our friends next weekend. Wanting to not wait to announce our news this time. Wanting to make sure that we had an army of love and support around us, no matter what the outcome. I don't even think we will get there. I planned to announce early, but apparently not early enough.

So, I'm here. 5 weeks. Waiting to hear. I had no less than 8 million emails today, so far. None of them the test results. I didn't go into work today. I've just been wandering. I ran some errands. Got my nails done. Now I'm sitting eating lunch alone and writing. Waiting. No one knows where I am. I feel alone. All alone. I know I have people "with" me, but there's something so isolating knowing that whatever is going on, is going on in your own body. You're helpless. So is everyone else, but it's not their body.

I'm just wondering why? Why am I here again? Why do we need to do this again? Why can't I just have a normal, wonderful happy experience? Why does this have to be filled with dread and worry? Why are the minutes ticking away so slowly?

It was so hard before. So hard to pull myself out of that deep, dark, hateful hole that I was in. I didn't have John last time. While on some levels, I believe that it won't "allow" be to sink so low, I also know that still needing to be a mom to my one sweet blessing here on Earth, that I won't be able to fall apart like I know I'll need. There's no time for that when you're a mom.

Before, I found comfort in the fact that I have a large amount of friends that had been through it before. A fucked up club that we all belonged to against our will. But we were together in it. We laughed. We cried. We rallied around each other when we needed it. We shared. We drank. We held each other up. We got through it. But, this brings me into a new club. The "multiple miscarriage" club. Now it's a "thing". Not a one-off. Not a freak accident. Not a terrible memory buried underneath all of the baby snuggles from the babies that did make it. Now it's a "thing". A history. 50/50 to 1 in 3. I'm a new statistic. A new bracket. A new level of hell.

I just want to know why. Why is this year so terrible? Why did we lose Nanny and now my baby? Let's not even get into the other shitty things that have happened. We should be celebrating. The end of a shitty 6 months and finishing the year with a bang. Alex finally getting a new job. No more weekends. Early days. Being more of a family. A new beginning. A new adventure. A new baby. We should be rejoicing. Planning. Dreaming. Arguing over names. Starting lovingly at our sweet boy and feeling so damned lucky that we get to do it all over again.

Instead I wait. Alone. To find my fate. More blood draws? Ultrasound? Procedures? Doctors' visits? Changed plans? What will it be?

And here we go....the results are in...

The dropped. It's over.



Thursday, November 5, 2015

Can I "So What?!" on a Thursday???

Yesterday was bananas. Like, legit bananas. As in, I sat with my face down on my desk and just sat there, exhausted, not knowing what to do next. Yeah. It's been fun.
 
So... I will "So What?!" on a Thursday...
 
I deserve it!
 
This week I'm saying "So What?!" if...
 
* I may or may not have participated in drinking 3 glasses of champagne last night. I knew I was going to regret it, and already had a headache before I was done drinking, but still... it was so delicious.
 
* I could have bet a million dollars that after my champagne binge last night that the baby would be up early. He woke up around his normal time, but instead of hanging out in his crib 30-45 minutes playing like he does every morning, he wasn't having it. Ugh.
 
* I haven't found a good way for people to announce themselves into my cube. Some people come up behind me and just start talking, which scares the shit out of me. Some people knock. Some people clear their throat. It all bothers me. Maybe just don't come talk to me...
 
* I skipped my workout last night. I worked out 8 out of the last 9 days and I just needed a break. Mentally and physically. I plan on making it up today though. 3 mile run and then pilates later. I hear the weather is going to be so nice today so I can't wait to run outside!
 
* I feel guilty doing anything that makes me late to pick the baby up from daycare. Honestly, he's never really been there later than 4:30, but if I get caught at work late, go grocery shopping, run, have an errand to do, I feel bad. Like I should have picked him up earlier. The only thing that saves me if I know it's a selfish want. He would have MUCH more fun playing outside than running an errand with me.
 
* I am SO excited about the holidays. I know everyone is all bah humbug already, but I'm looking forward to it. Halloween was EXHAUSTING, but it was so much fun. I anticipate Thanksgiving and Christmas to be the same. I just can't wait to be with family and just soak up all the extra time I get with them.
 
* I have NO idea where I stand on when I want to have another baby. I have the biggest of baby fevers, but I am literally the only thing standing in my way. Alex is all on the "the sooner the better" train, and I can't quite figure out what my issue is. That's a whole other post though.
 
* Almost everything on my Amazon Birthday / Christmas list is super lame. It's all kitchen supplies and stuff I need that I don't want to buy.
 
* I'm feeling "ho hum" about my birthday this year. I feel like I should do it big because it's my 30th, but on the other hand, it's just another day in life. Maybe that's what comes with age. Who knows. My birthday is hard because it's December 20th. I wish it was in a warmer month, but alas, I am doomed to be a December baby forever. (Thanks Mom...)
 
I think that's enough for today. I got to work early (Thanks Baby...) and I have so far spent my time searching to see if I have unclaimed money with the government (I DO!) and talking with a coworker. And I have nothing else to show for my morning. Soooo.... that's all!


Friday, October 30, 2015

Five on Friday: Halloween Edition

I'm really getting back into the swing of things with this link-up. I LOVED me a good link-up back in the day!
 
I'm so excited for this weekend. Between Halloween and the Harvest Festival this weekend, it should be a LOT of fun!
 
Now... let's get started!
 
One: pumpkins. It's all about the pumpkins right now. Little Man is OBSESSED. Seriously. They are everywhere, so we hear "punkin!" no less than 8 million times a day. Daddy of the Year went and bought him some more pumpkins the other day and surprised him when he picked him up from school. They were placed in all of these little places around the outside of the house for John to find them. Naturally, they have made their way inside. And are all places together. And in his cup holder...
 
 
Two: Halloween. I LOOOOVE Halloween. Alex, not so much. So, it is up to the babe to be my little Halloween buddy. So far though, it isn't looking good for this Mama. I bought him this cute monster costume and he wasn't having it.
 
 
Pissed.
 
I was going to attempt the monster costume for trick or treating at his school last night, but it was like 75 degrees so he would have been too hot. Lumberjack was out (which was my fall back plan), but he won't wear a hat. So we improvised. 10 minutes before we left the house.
 

 
Tom Brady
 
Three: Halloween again. But this time, for ME! I wasn't planning on wearing anything for work, but I got guilted into it. I came up with this whole elaborate plan and then slept in for the first time this week. So... thrown together gangster it is.

 
Four: Running Challenge Group is kicking my ass. I mean, I know I came up with the training plan, but DAMN! I am sore. I am tired. At least I know it's working! AND my T25 shirt came in the mail the other day. When you submit your before & after story, they send you a shirt with your program on it! I know it's just a shirt, but it represents all of the hard work I did, so it really means a lot more.

 
Five: Transitions. TimeHop can be a bitch sometimes. (Like reminding me of my tiny squishy baby.... Or a time where I could randomly go out and day drink with the ladies) But, it can also be a reminder of how far you have come. I remember that Halloween. Four years ago. I remember trying to throw something together for a costume. It was last minute because we were getting a huge snowstorm (I know... ridiculous) and Alex didn't know if he needed to plow. I remember feeling huge. And ugly. And sad. I was engaged, getting married in less than a year, and I was miserable. Now? A marriage and a baby later? I'm happy. I look at pictures of myself and I'm happy! For the first time in almost my entire life!

 
Welp, that's all I gots for ya today! Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy your Halloween! I will not because while I at first thought "How much candy can an 19 month old eat?" and told Alex that we get to eat most of it... someone posted a picture of just how much it would take to work off various "snack sized" candies. Ugh. Halloween. Ruined.
 
http://alizadventures.blogspot.com/
Linking up with a. liz adventures
 

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

It's my Baby and I'll Twerk if I Want to!

It's a common theme that well-intentioned family, friends, and random strangers constantly want to know what you are doing with your life. Specifically, your body.
 
The questions come almost immediately once you reach a certain age or phase in your life.
 
When are you having a baby?
 
The questions are incessant. They can also be rather personal as well. I'm a firm believer that you never know someone's story and you should be careful with what you ask.
 
I remember when I was still picking up the pieces of my life, fresh off the news of our miscarriage, and having people ask when we were planning on having children. It was like a knife to my heart. Obviously, this person had no clue what I was going through, but wasn't that the point? With so many issues regarding fertility (not to mention just personal choices - maybe I didn't want kids or wasn't ready), it can be a hurtful subject for many people. Not to mention, none of your damn business.
 
Eventually, we were blessed with our sweet boy, but then we were met with the comments"
 
Well, you guys didn't waste any time.
 
In one world, I wasn't having children quick enough. In another world, because I got pregnant within the first year of marriage (and we also bought a house, but whatever), it was too quick. I can only imagine what the comments would have been if we were able to keep our first pregnancy. We got married in September, closed on our house in December, and found out we were pregnant at the end of January. The scandal!
 
Once our son was born it didn't take long before the questions started again.
 
When are you having another?
 
My answer is never good enough. I should do it sooner. I should wait longer. This person did this. This person did that. How many children do we want? That's too many. That's not enough. It never ends.
 
And that's just the conversations about getting pregnant.
 
The questions and comments that I received WHILE pregnant, were ridiculous. It was like all of a sudden, every single part of my life and my body were up for discussion. And as a relatively private person this didn't go over well for me. (I'm fully aware that I spill my guts for the entire internet to read, but honestly I can't see all of you people, so I get to be a little brave!)
 
I just don't understand why people think it is necessary or RIGHT to tell a woman what to do with her body and when. (I could get into the more "hot" topics regarding this issue, but I don't need to start a shit storm. We all have our opinions)
 
Would we ever say this to a man?
 
Never.
 
I was having this entire discussion with a friend at lunch the other day when I came back to work and ready this post.
 
It was about a woman, a dancer, who is currently pregnant, dancing in a dance routine with a class. Let's just start out by saying, that my dance moves resemble that of someone sticking their finger in a socket while standing in a pool of water on a GOOD day. When I was pregnant? Please. I couldn't even handle getting up from the couch with grace, let alone actually performing anything that might have slightly resembled a dance rather than a large mammoth having a seizure.
 
I applaud this woman. And in the attempt to never let the 90's go, I would just like to say, "YOU GO GIRL!"
 
But you know what happened?
 
Instead of people being amazed that she could still perform like this, while obviously having to work around a large belly, they shamed her. Told her she was hurting her baby. Possibly killing it. That she was irresponsible.
 
So... let me get this straight.
 
This woman, stayed in shape, was active, and kept up her daily life while pregnant, and she's a terrible person?
 
Hmm...
 
I'm sorry, don't we also shame those women who DON'T stay in shape during pregnancy and gain too much weight?
 
Aren't we constantly telling women that it is healthier for them AND the baby to stay active during pregnancy? That it helps with labor and delivery? And to have healthier babies?
 
We can't win.
 
Seriously.
 
Raise your hand if you are sick of society telling you what you can and can not, should and should not do with your body!
 


 
Yeah. That's pretty much how I feel.
 
So... the next time you go to ask someone about their personal life/body/gestating plans/etc. stop and think. Ask yourself:
 
Is this my business?
 
Would I want this person asking me this?
 
Could this be a sensitive subject?
 
Am I an asshat who has no idea about personal boundaries?
 
Just a few questions to stop you from making a mistake. Think before you speak people. Because if I have one more person as me one of the above questions, I can't guarantee what I'll do.


Monday, October 26, 2015

Now We Know: A Verbal Vomit of Marriage Life and Adjusting to Life with a Newborn

I came across this article the other day. I'll give you a chance to read it quick.
 
If you won't want to read it, the whole premise of it is that the woman is talking about how when she had her baby, she never thought it would have been possible to hate her husband. In the middle of the night, in the middle of exhaustion, she hated him. He could do nothing right. But then again, neither could she. It was a tough transition for them and she often questioned whether or not they would make it. Would their marriage survive this?
 
I shared it on Facebook and hesitated a little bit before I hit the "publish" button. I'm pretty open and honest about my life. I don't sugar coat things. But, I was worried that people wouldn't agree with how I felt. Or didn't want to admit that they agree with how I felt. (Plus, I knew my mother in law might read it and I didn't really want her to think of me wanting to kill her son. But... then again, she's a mom of two kids, I'm sure she felt that way at some point)
 
Thankfully, a bunch of people shared it and commented on it. The jist that I got was "me too!", which made me feel better.
 
It also made me realize that 19 months later it was the first time that I really heard someone else put into words what I felt.
 
When we first brought John home, there was the honeymoon period, like there is with all stages of life! We were both pretty clueless, exhausted, nervous, and we were in it together. I couldn't have loved this man more. We just had a BABY together. It was just the most amazing feeling in the entire world.
 
And then Alex went back to work. He went back to his "old life" and while I know that he wishes that he could have stayed home with us longer and he worried about us all day, all I thought about was that he got to go back to his old life. He go to be himself again, and I didn't even know who I was. I spent 24/7 at home, usually by myself, and it was hard.

Alex had little to no experience with babies, so I was really on my own to try to figure stuff out. I talked to my mom a lot, and friends with kids, but it would have been nice to have someone IN it with me. That I wasn't the only one making all of the mistakes. Everything kind of snow-balled from there. I was doing most of everything, so it was a lot easier for me to just continue to do it rather than teach Alex how to do it. Or let him figure out his own way. I'm pretty particular in how I like things done, and I wanted him to do it MY way. But, he wanted to grow as a parent, as a father, he wanted to try his own things. It wasn't necessarily wrong, it just wasn't how I would do things.

Honestly, it took a lot of work to get US back. I remember when John was 5 weeks old, feeling SO far away from my husband, thinking that we would never find US again. I asked my mom if she would babysit one night so that we could go out to dinner. I wasn't ready to leave our sweet boy, but I needed to grab a hold of my married before it floated too far away.

So that's what we did. Once a month, we went out to dinner. Just the two of us. It wasn't long. We spent the entire time talking about the baby. But, it was just what we needed. Overtime, we got more comfortable leaving him. We left him for a little longer. A little more often. We started to see our friends more, which helped with feeling like our "old" selves again. For awhile it was hard because we never got time to ourselves, so if we had a sitter, we just kept it to us, but as he got older and we noticed that he really didn't care that we were gone since he was having so much fun with my parents, we went out a little more often so it was easier to spend time with friends.

It also helped that as he got older, we could bring him more places. I mean, sometimes I want to slap myself in the face because, duh, there's nothing easier to tote around then a tiny baby who can literally eat and sleep ANYWHERE, but we were dumb and new and nervous. We didn't know. (Our poor second child will be dragged all over creation!)

It got easier. We found us more. It took some time though. And it is still work to find time for us. It is SO easy to just get caught up in the entire world. The demands. The to do lists. It is SO easy to push each other aside because it's the "least important thing on your list", but that is SO wrong. SO WRONG!

You chose each other. You chose forever. To share a life. Through sickness and in health. For better or for worse. You owe it to yourselves and each other, to never lose that. A hard part for us was that we were never much work. I mean, it wasn't always sunshine and roses, but that connection was always there. This was work, and it was SCARY!

Now we know the importance of it. Even if it means just making sure that we sit together on the same couch, while doing two completely different things. Just to have that closeness. It all helps. Every single bit.

So know that it will suck. Know that you will kind of hate each other at times. That's normal. Just know that it isn't forever. It doesn't have to be anyway. It's just a season. But it's work. And you're worth it.

I guess I just wish someone had said it to me. That it was normal. That my marriage wasn't crumbling. That we could fix it. It was terrifying to be a new mom and wonder where our lives were going. And I know that some of it was probably dramatized because of lack of sleep and heightened emotions, but still. It was scary.

So... it's NORMAL. I'm sure we will go through it again with the next one. We'll have to reevaluate our lives again to adjust to the next squirmy little baby. But now we know. And we know what to look for. And that it's worth it. Now we know.