While I'd like to say that I'm handling this all pretty well, for the most part, I definitely have my moments.
It doesn't help that work is a complete nightmare right now. Or maybe it does. While it gives me something else to perseverate on, it piles on the stress. So, I guess it's a bit of a double-edged sword.
I had a baby shower to attend this weekend. This is nothing new. My friends are a wildly gestating bunch and a month doesn't go by that I'm not celebrating the arrival of another little cherub. Some of them, recently, have been a bit emotional as I realized that I was ready to add another to our family. But, not emotional in a bad way. Just in a, "I can't wait to do this all over again" kind of way.
I made it through the shopping no problem. John threw an epic tantrum in the store because we wouldn't let him play with a mobile forever and then Grammy was looking at him wrong. So I shipped him out to the car with Grammy to give him all the dirty looks she wanted (I kid, he was obviously just being a nut job) and rushed through buying everything. Between that and not being able to easily find anything on the registry, I was fairly distracted.
I was also convinced that last month was a fluke and we would find ourselves pregnant immediately and this would all be a distant nightmare.
Imagine my surprise when I find myself here, the weekend of the baby shower, coming off a terrible doctor's visit, not pregnant, and now having to spend my day celebrating someone else having a baby.
I'll be honest. I almost didn't go. I didn't know if I had it in me. I just wanted to sit at home and feel sorry for myself.
I tried to remind myself that the girl whose shower I was going to has had her struggles too. She didn't know when/if she would be able to get pregnant due to her health issues and it was a long road to get here. Not that she needed to struggle to deserve happiness, but I know where she has been and I know what it feels like to finally get to your baby shower that you wondered if you would ever have.
So I went.
And it was hard.
I think it surprised me how hard it was. Usually, I can prepare myself. But this kind of came out of nowhere and left me in tears quite a few times before I got there.
Thankfully, once I got there, there was enough to keep me pre-occupied. And there was booze. Booze always helps.
After that though, I was exhausted and unfortunately had to cancel on Family Dinner. I felt bad, but I'm trying to recognize my limits. I just needed to be home. Alex, John, and I had a nice dinner just the three of us, did bath time, and bed time and then Alex and I watched some TV and went to bed early. It was a nice, quiet.
I needed quiet.