Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I am there. I am in that place. Although this time the fuse was lit and I am left to pick up the pieces. Once again not knowing what step to take from here. It's like standing in the center of a mine field. Watching each and every step to prevent another explosion.
I'm going to apologize ahead of time for being vague. I've mentioned before that although I enjoy using this blog as an outlet, I also understand that it is a public forum and sometimes wish to protect the privacy of other. This is one of those situations. Unfortunately, it's weighing too heavy on my heart to let it go.
If you have been following for awhile, you have figured out by now (and I have made it blatantly clear) that I'm a bit OCD. With OCD comes control issues. With control issues come with anxiety over the situations that I can't control. The anxiety make the OCD worse. Are we seeing the pattern here? One thing that sends me into a tailspin is not being able to figure out a situation. I.E. repeating the same fight over and over again without a solution. This has plagued me with friends, in relationships, with family members, etc. It's like a revolving door that I can't seem to find my way out of and it frustrates me to no end.
In this particular situation, it's a fight that I've had a million times over. All involved have stated their opinions and has expressed what is important to them and no one has moved. It's like a broken record. Each time the fights appears it's the same thing. Over. And over. And over. And over. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Obviously, there is a breakdown in communication here. I'm trying to figure out just why this issue is so important to the other party. And why it is so important that they are letting it destroy the friendship. To me, the situation seems childish. In my head I want to scream let it go and grow the fuck up! However, I've learned in my 25 years to be a little more constructive with the things that I say. Although sometimes, it is more difficult than others.
So, what do I do? To me... the situation seems ridiculous. I don't get why this person is so stuck with their ways on this. I think it is stupid, they shouldn't have gotten so upset about it in the first place, and to me the fact that it is now effecting my friendship with them, pisses me off. In my opinion, if there is going to be something that negatively effects my relationship with someone, it really makes me think twice about my priorities and what is important to me.
To this other person... they are upset. This situation is very important to them. I obviously don't get it. And that is the end of the story.
So what do I do? It's easy enough to ignore something when it isn't directly in your face, but what do you do when life gives you a giant bitch slap to the face and tells you to deal with it? I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed. I'm angry. And I don't know what to do. And I hate it.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately, written by young windows and widowers who now have to have a way to pick up the pieces. Most of them have children. A couple of them were pregnant when they lost their husbands. Forever having to deal with the fact that their husbands will never meet their child. One man went from being a new parent to a beautiful baby girl to a widower when his wife passed away hours after giving birth. Their stories break my heart. The loss and heartache that these people have gone through is more than anyone should have to face. I admire their strength and their courage to keep fighting through a heart-wrenching situation when it would be all too easy to give up.
I have learned a lot from them in the past few months. I’ve learned to appreciate all that I have been given. I’ve learned to hug my loved ones a little longer, say I love you a little more, and make time for them more often. Because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I remember reading a blog from a woman, discussing a certain time of year when she shared some great memories with her now deceased husband. It was mere days after, that he was taken from her. She said she never saw it coming. She couldn’t have. She advised the reader to take note of that, because you never know when it will be your time. Or when tragedy will you strike you. Tomorrow is never certain.
I feel I have changed a lot since reading these. I’ve learned to separate what is important to me and what isn’t. If it isn’t…then I let it go. And if it is…then I hold onto it and fight for it as hard as I can. I don’t want to leave this world with regrets. I’ve noticed it in my daily life with Big A. Things that used to seem so catastrophic had quickly lost their importance. I may still let him know when something is bothering me, but I don’t let it anger me as much as I used to. It isn’t worth it. I’ve also noticed myself appreciating him more. Noticing all of the amazing things that he does and the qualities that he has. Because that’s what is important to me.
I can’t imagine what these people have gone through. Living day in and day out without their loved ones. Their soul mates. Learning to navigate through life alone when they never thought they had to. It really isn’t fair. You are supposed to grow old with your loved ones. You are supposed to watch your children grow up. You are supposed to pass on to whatever awaits us after this life once you have made an entire lifetime of memories. A real lifetime, not one that has been cut too short. My heart goes out to them and I wish sometimes that there was something, anything, that I could do to help them. But there isn’t. And for the most part…they seem to be doing OK.
Their world has been shaken, their lives have been turned upside down, but they keep moving on. They have let themselves feel everything they have needed to feel. They share their anger, sadness, sorrow, hopes, dreams, and fears for the whole world to see. They do not apologize for their feelings or what they write. They let themselves have good days and bad days. Ups and downs. And all the while they keep moving. Sometimes even when they don’t realize they are.
I want to thank all of you for sharing your stories. I hope that no one minds my writing about this and I have done my best to keep your privacy. Your life is your story to tell, not mine. I hope that everyone can take a lesson from your stories and learn to appreciate all that they have and express all of the love that they have to give when they can. You can at least know that through your stories you have changed someone’s life. I know you have changed mine.
I HATE spending my hard earned money. There's nothing like getting a nice big paycheck in your account on pay day and then slowly watching it dwindle down as you pay your bills. I usually try to pay them all that day, so it's pretty sad to watch my account total plummet before my eyes. Sad story. I am left with a tiny amount to live off until the next paycheck. Mind you, that tiny amount also needs to cover gas and groceries....ug!
Now don't get me wrong, I love to shop when I WANT something... I hate to shop when I NEED something. I like to go out and buy a few new pieces of clothing every now and then when I WANT to. If I have to go out and say buy a dress for a wedding, work clothes, etc. I HATE it.
Case in point: I was out shopping with Ma Dukes, the Saturday before my birthday. I was in desperate need for a wallet. Mine was gross, falling apart, and no longer suited my needs. While we were at Marshall's, I made my way over to the accessories section and checked out the wallets. Ya... there was no way in hell that I was dropping $12 on a wallet...enter cheap bastard here! Thankfully, Ma & Pa Dukes came through and bought me a new wallet for my birthday.
So, let's get back to what I was saying above. I love Coach... my mother bought be a Coach purse when I was in college as a "way to go getting good grades" present. I LOVE that purse...however slowly but surely I have beaten the living crap out of it (Big A has taken it to get fixed twice when the strap broke!) and sadly it's days are over. Thankfully, I got a new purse for my birthday as well, but I can't tell you the next time I will actually own a Coach purse. Because I'm a cheap bastard and don't want to pay the money for it.
In a tragic episode, both of my pairs of Ugg boots broke last year within a week. One pair was beyond repair, and the other ones I have so classily put tape over the hole that is in the toe area. This morning, I went online to see if I could find a good discount website for Uggs. They were only $120 when I got mine and I was shocked to find out that those same shoes are now going for $60 MORE! I found a website where I could find the boots I wanted for only $100. I thought: WOW, this is amazing! I can get two pairs of boots for only $20 more than I would have paid for one! Imagine my surprise when I found out the website was counterfeit. Not only that, but they have been having trouble even shipping out their counterfeit products. Plus they have written at the bottom of the page that they are not affiliated with Ugg Australia and do not sell their products...so go ahead and ignore their pictures that say "satisfaction guaranteed" "Authentic Uggs".... they aren't. Shocking! I know...
So I'm bummed. I want my Uggs, but I'm a cheap bastard and don't want to pay for them. Wah! I know. I miss the days when I didn't have any bills and these large purchases were such a financial blow. Unfortunately, those days are over. Plus, I'm pretty sure that Big A would not be pleased with me if I told him that I was short on rent money because I had to buy new Uggs. He's never been short on bill money for a part for his Chevelle or his trucks.
(On a side note: He's had the money for his new tach cluster for his Chevelle twice now. Last year he got the money for Christmas and ended up spending it on groceries since money was tight since we had just moved into our apartment. I then gave him the money for it for his birthday and he spent it on Mr. Fresh's vet bill. He always makes sure that me and Mr. Fresh come first. He's truly a great man!)
So... I'm going to be a big girl and save my money for a bit. That way when I decide to finally take the plunge, it won't be so catastrophic or affect my bills. UG! Being an adult sucks! I know I've mentioned that before but.... it sucks! WAH!
Monday, December 27, 2010
However...with Big A plowing all last night, he didn't get home until 12:30 AM. As I'm sure you can tell from my last post, I stayed up to wait for him. I'm not a huge fan of going to bed without him home because I always want to be available if god forbid something was to ever happen. We chatted for a bit when he got home and went to bed around one. Unfortunately, the alarm started going off at 4:30 and he finally set out at 5:30. It was not easy to get back asleep after this and I had to be "working" at 8:00 AM. I know I have no right to complain since he's been home for 10 minutes at around 9:45 and hasn't been home otherwise, but I was exhausted and getting out of bed was the last thing that I wanted to do.
I set my computer up, signed into my work website, and was immediately getting calls and e-mails from one of my bosses. He was crazy enough to drive into the office today. I did a little work from him and then tried to start a project for my other boss. And then the ADD set in...
I spent the first 45 minutes attempting how to open a new form... while...checking facebook, e-mails, making coffee, making breakfast, taking Felix out...etc. etc. Then I tried to start actually doing the project one I figured out how to open a new one... while...checking facebook, my e-mail, texting, watching a movie, working on something else for work. And then I just got confused. I've never done a project like this and my boss took a vacation day today, so I did my best to do what I thought I was supposed to, but inevitably gave up.
I went outside, cleaned off my car and Big A's other truck, shoveled the front & back steps, and put down salt. By the time I was done with that, I was so sweaty (gross!) and tired that I decided to take a break. I then tried to start the project again, but I just.don't.get.it! So as you can see, I am continuing to be VERY productive and blogging. I've worked from home before and was very productive, but today apparently that isn't going to happen. I have no clue what's wrong with me, but focusing on one thing right now is impossible.
For example: in writing this post, I have checked my e-mail, texted back and forth with Big A's sister, talked to Big A on the phone, checked my work e-mail (OK that one is productive) and looked at three different websites to try to find something to make for dinner.
It's impossible and it's driving me nuts! I feel like I need someone to smack me in the face and tell me to focus. Although I'm not sure that that will work either. Maybe I'll try doing nothing for awhile and I will feel more productive later. It won't kill me to get a little more work done later. Maybe after dinner and such since I'm pretty sure Big A will pass out fairly early and the house should be nice and quiet. UG. We will see.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Despite the fact that I lacked the normal amount of Christmas cheer, I had a fabulous time! For the first time, at least that I can remember, I really wasn't into Christmas this year. This thought caused a lot of mental distress for me. With everyone and everything looking like one of Santa's elves threw up on them, I started to feel like there was something wrong with me. Like I had become this product of anti-Christmas. If Ebeneezer Scrooge and The Grinch had a baby...I'm pretty sure that it was me! However, as the Christmas Eve festivities took place and we quickly transitioned into Christmas Day... I came to a realization. And it was this:
When it comes to the Hallmark version of being in the Christmas spirit, no...I wasn't into it. I didn't feel the "magic", I didn't feel the anticipation building up to the "big day". I did however, feel excited to spend time with the amazing family that I have and the amazing family that I have acquired through my years with Big A. I am a lucky person to have these people in my life and what better reason to all get together then CHRISTMAS! So...I was in the spirit! The true spirit of Christmas. Of love, family, and togetherness!
See, it was there all along! I just wasn't looking in the right place. Let's move on to the recap shall we?!
Christmas Eve, I spent the entire day baking. This is no joke. I woke up, had a cup of coffee, and was literally baking still as we were getting ready to leave. And I loved every.single.minute of it! I made oatmeal cookies with dried cranberries & white chocolate chips; Turtle Dots - which are a combination of pretzels, rolos, and m&m's (ya they are that amazing! I don't usually like pretzels and chocolate together, but these things are a.maz.ing!); and my bacon tomato cups - which are a combination of bacon, mayo, Swiss cheese, onions, basil, and Grand's biscuits... incredibly bad for you...but delicious! I thoroughly enjoyed them!
After my baking extravaganza, Big A and I headed over to his parents' house. His mom, dad, sister, uncle, his uncle's fiance, my mom, my dad, my brother, and one of our good friends were all there. This is a tradition that I LOVE! On Christmas Eve my parents always did something at our house, then we all went to a party for a couple of years which Big A and I would meet them at after his house, and now we are all together and I couldn't be happier. Christmas Eve is a pretty big thing for me when it comes to Big A's family. The first Christmas Eve we were together was when I met his parents for the first time. So every year, I get a little nostalgic for the day that these amazing people came into my life.
We had a great time listening to music, eating good food, drinking good drinks, and spending some good quality time together. I couldn't have asked for a more fabulous night. I had a blast with everyone! After, Big A and I went home and our friend came too! The boys watched some movie about a bunch of people shooting each other, and I fell asleep on the couch! Big A was nice enough to escort me to bed so I didn't hurt myself and I was nice enough to sing him Christmas carols on my way (remember the drinking good drinks part from earlier....yeah).
On Christmas Big A, Mr. Fresh, and I did our usual Christmas stuff. We opened presents and stocking and spend a little time together. I was spoiled as usual. He's so good to me. Mr. Fresh loved his presents too! We didn't get to spend as much time at our place as we did last year since we've had a lot to do, but we had a great time.
After that, I went to my parents' house with Mr. Fresh and Big A went to his parents' house. We both had a nice breakfast with our families, opened some presents, and then headed home to meet up and onto round 3 of Christmas. We headed out to my aunt and uncles house to spend some time with my side of the family. It was great to see everyone and I really enjoyed all of their company. Big A and I always have a good time when we see them. We munched on yummy food and spent some time catching up on what's going on in our lives. I wish we could see them all more often, but living so far apart it's hard. We do our best with e-mails, passing information along down and line, and of course a couple of us have blogs! However, nothing fully matches up to how great it is to be face to face with them!
We said our good-byes at my aunt and uncle's house and it was on to round 4! Big A and I drove about an hour to his aunt and uncles house. I did my best to keep my eyes open, but I was exhausted by then and the truck was so warm. I'm pretty sure I dozed out for a few minutes. I woke up to Big A saying, "Are you awake? I can't tell with your sunglasses on!" To which I answered, of course! Haha. We got to his aunt and uncle's house soon after that and had another amazing time catching up with his family. His cousin was there with her new baby girl and I was madly in love! It was one of the best babies that I have ever seen. She was so good all night. Unfortunately, I had to share her with Big A's sister, the baby's aunt, and of course her own parents. Bummer! However, I got in some good QT with her so I can't complain to much.
After the baby snatching, we ate some delicious food and then started the yankee swap! I went from having a bottle of Grey Goose, to a gift card to the 99, to a set of bowls. Don't get me wrong, the bowls are pretty cool, but it all happened so fast! I was a good girl though and gave them up graciously. Now, I need to plan a ladies night and put some yummy food in the bowls and make them look on pretty so that I feel better! Haha. Big A got a cool bag filled with Patriots stuff and some beers. Someone swiped it from him, but his mom came to the rescue and got it back for him. She's so sweet!
When the Yankee Swap was all done, everyone slowly started to leave. We hung around for a bit, but then decided it was time to head home. I fell asleep in the truck and Big A enjoyed a nice quiet ride home. We hung out for awhile when we got home and caught up on some good quality Christmas time together. All in all, it was a crazy, non-stop, busy day...but I wouldn't have changed it for the world! I would rather have done all that running around than miss seeing anyone.
Today was a nice lazy day. We slept in. It was Big A's turn to take Mr. Fresh out in the morning so I got to stay nice and comfy cozy in bed. However, as usual Mr. Fresh has the amazing ability to hold his bathroom needs for hours later when it's Big A's turn than when it's Mama's. This just goes to show that he obviously loves his Papa more! Big A and I separated for a little bit during the day to run some errands, but then met back up for the Patriots game. Since the guy who owns the house that we normally watch it at, had to get plows ready for this gigantic blizzard we went and watched it at J$'s house with her and her hubby. It was so much fun and of course another big W for the Patriots. This game was a joke! 34 to 3. I don't even know why the Bills even bothered to show up. Haha. Great day.
We got to hang out for a little more at home before Big A had to head out to plow...but as always the time came and Mr. Fresh and I were left to hold down the fort. So, there you have it. My incredibly detailed reenactment of the past three days! I get to work from home tomorrow and I have Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off so hopefully this will inspire me to become a better blogger. I feel like I need to end 2010 strong, and then kick 2011 off with a bang.
I've thoroughly enjoyed having a place to spew my feelings and I'm finding the more comfortable I am with it, the more therapeutic it will be. Plus, maybe some day I will look back on these entries and it will stir up fond memories that I had forgotten. Well everyone, I hope you had an amazing Christmas, and if you live any where near me, hopefully you are somewhere warm through this crazy storm. The winds are so strong and loud that poor Mr. Fresh keeps staring at the window with this worried look on his face. I think he's waiting for Papa to come home. I know I am. Alright, that's all for now!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
I know, I know. Visions of Ebeneezer Scrooge and The Grinch are dancing in your head right now, aren't they? I don't know what it is. I'm just.not.into.it! I've tried and tried and tried. It hasn't worked.
At first, I thought it was the fact that it wasn't snowing. Well, I can tell you that I proved that one wrong. Then I thought it was because I was surrounding myself with Christmas cheer. Sooo... I listened to Christmas music. Nope! I feel like I am failing at Christmas.
Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly excited to be spending tons of time with my family and Big A's family. I can't wait to see everyone. That's not it at all. It's that excitement. The anticipation of Christmas. I just don't have it this year. And I don't know what's wrong with me. I honestly feel like I need to tie myself a chair and watch a gigantic amount of classic Christmas movies in order to get myself into the spirit. I need the entire city of Whoville to knock some sense into me. This is getting ridiculous.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I am beginning to think that if I'm not in it now, will I be in time? I've heard a lot of people are having trouble with this issue too. What is it about this year? Are we all so beaten and broken by this damn economy that we can't even enjoy a jolly 'ole holiday like Christmas? I'm hoping that my little baking extravaganza is going to help put some cheer into me.
I've set aside tomorrow to prepare everything for Christmas Eve and Christmas. I am making my Bacon Tomato Cups, Oatmeal cookies with cranberries and white chocolate chips, and these new things I found called "Turtle Dots". I'm planning on doing a whole Christmas baking themed post, but we all know that will fall through. I come up with these great ideas and then life throws me a curve ball and nothing ever gets done.
Bah humbug! I guess I can't even say that. I'm not anti-Christmas, I'm just.... nothing. I apparently have become apathetic towards the holidays. How sad is that. At least if I was a Scrooge or a Grinch, then I would still have SOME feeling.
Is this what happens when you get older? Because, if so, then this sucks! I understand that the anticipation of Santa coming Christmas Eve has long ago disappeared, but I don't remember ever being so boring about it. I didn't even want to get a tree! Big A made me. I said that we should just get some small fake thing and throw it on our table. He told me that was unacceptable. Big A was the one to have us get a tree and encouraged me to decorate for Christmas and he's the least into it! I mean Big A is no Scrooge, but he doesn't get into anything unless it involves a big block or music from the 60's. And he's the one convincing me to get a tree and decorate the apartment.
Now that's sad. UG! Well, I have plans to finish up some shopping with P and then tomorrow is BAKING DAY! Hopefully, I can light a Christmas fire under my ass and get into the mood! Anyone else having a hard time getting into it this year? Or am I the only one whose switch for Christmas cheer is broken?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
- The 25 year old me, like the 24 year old me, can not be trusted with the hot water tap at work. You know the one that sticks off the side of those pod coffee makers that has boiling hot water for tea and such? The silly 24 year old me decided to "sanitize" my plastic water bottle using it. It ended in a melted water bottle. The 25 year old me is SO much smarter and used a metal water bottle this time. Let's think about this: metal + hot water = ??? Anyone wanna guess? I nearly burnt my damn hand off. Maybe next year I'll be big enough!
- The 25 year old me has less patience than the 24 year old me (you poor poor people!) I have found myself on numerous occasions muttering "I'm 25. I'm too old for this bullshit"
- The 25 year old me is far more responsible than the 24 year old me. I have always been someone who has taken their birthday off of work or school (thanks Mom and Dad for letting me!) except for 2008 when I was nannying and extenuating circumstances wouldn't allow it. This year, I worked. I didn't even think to take it off. And when lunch ran a little late...all I thought about was all of the work that I was going to need to catch up on.
- The 25 year old me wants to be taken a little more seriously than the 24 year old me. When I started this job, I knew I was a goo 10-15 years younger (at least) than most of the people I would be working with. I chose to believe that this was in my favor that time was on my side. I then set my mind to being the best damn employee that they had ever seen and was thrilled when people talked about how young I was. However... after the millionth comment on my birthday of: "What are you 15 now?" "Did you finally turn 21?" "I've been working here longer than you have been alive, how cute!" "I bet you are going to party hard, should we even plan on you being here tomorrow" I was over it. No I am not 15. I am not 21. Yes, that's interesting that you have been here forever, and I'm sure no one gave you crap when you were here and that young. And I've never made it a habit to go get hammered and then call out of work, and I don't plan on starting now.
- 25 year old me is hearing "the clock" ticking more than the 24 year old me. I'm not talking about spawn necessarily, I'm just thinking that it's about time I get my ass in gear. Figure out where I want to be going in my company. Start saving more money and paying down some debt. Being *gasp* more responsible. Figuring out what the hell I want to do with my life. The party ain't over, but I definitely need to find a path and stick to it. I mean how else am I going to take over the world before I'm 30??? (wahhh that's only 5 years away... I used to have so much more time!)
- 25 year old me is learning to stop and smell the roses a little more that 24 year old me. Letting things roll off my back a little more. Learning what I should and should not have in my life. Refer to # 2... I'm too old for this bullshit. Now I know these both sound contradicting, so let me explain. I have no patience for bullshit, yes this is true. But a younger version of me would have erupted into a dramatic episode that was so Real World-worthy it was embarrassing. So... I know that I have no patience for... and just let it go.
So those are the life lessons that I have learned in the past 36 hours. Apparently 25 year old me learns a lot quicker than 24 year old me. Haha. Anyone else have a specific age that they felt like was their "transition age"?? Or am I the only one freaking out and re-evaluating over here? Thoughts?
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Along with that, he got me a gift certificate for a massage and the sweetest card. I was going to take a picture and show you all how romantic my boyfriend is, but I decided that it was a private thing that should be kept between the two of us. Let me tell you though, it further proved to me that he really is the one for me. He's amazing. He spoiled me all weekend. If there was something I wanted...he got it. If I was hungry...he bought food from wherever I wanted. If there was music I wanted to listen to...I got it. He was amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend or a more perfect boyfriend. I owe it all to him (and our amazing friends...but Big A was a huge part of it).
After he gave me my gifts, we went to my parents' house for dinner. Mr. Fresh was already there, and my mom, dad, brother, aunt, Big A, and I (and yes, Mr. S was there too. I'll have to post a picture of him soon to show you how much he has grown) had a delicious dinner of crab legs, fish, rice, and veggies. I'm pretty sure that I ate my weight in crab legs. It wasn't a pretty sight. I was a mess by the end of it and vowed never to eat again, but it was fantastic. Then it was time for presents. I wore my tiara (as I did all weekend and do every year) and opened up some fabulous presents. I got a beautiful new purse, a wallet, some comfy pj pants, a gift card to Victoria's Secret, and a great fondue set (that I am totally going to be using at the upcoming girl's night). Add in the beautiful scarf that Big A's parents gave me, along with a gift card to Target (where I might as well live); the awesome wine glass with pink rhinestones shaped in a K that J$ gave me; and the bottle of wine JL gave me...I was really spoiled. They are all too good to me.
I am a lucky girl. I have some amazing friends, and a great family. But now... the day has come and gone and I have a whole year until the next one. I'm OK with that though. 25 is starting off to be a great year. I'm in a great place, and I have no wish to rush into the big 2-6.
So my friends, that in a nutshell was my birthday weekend. Next up should be some great holiday chat. Give me some time to make it through the next 1/2 days of work, and I should be around a lot more. Hang in there...I promise I'll be back!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Since I had the day off and needed to mail our beautiful Christmas cards, I decided to take advantage of a work errand and head to the post office. I bought my stamps, waited in line to mail my Nanny's card special since she lives in Ireland, and then headed back out to my car to finish my errands. But, when I reached my car I noticed that there was an old man standing next to my driver's side door.
Initially, I was a little nervous. Wondering why this man was standing next to my door and what I could possibly have walked up on. Was he trying to steal my car? What is going on? So I said "Excuse me?" and the man didn't even look in my direction. I said it again a little louder. And he still didn't look in my direction. He was just staring at the front of my car. I say it a third time and he looks my way.
Friday, December 10, 2010
- I DO NOT want snow during my Birthday Celebration on the 18th!
- I DO NOT want snow ON my Birthday!
- I DO NOT want snow on Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year's Eve, or New Year's Day that accumulates enough for Big A to have to leave me and go plowing!
Other than that...I WANT SOME FREAKING SNOW!!!
So imagine my surprise when a fellow Blogger posts about this gigantic blizzard that is supposed to come tonight! I imagine Big A and I snuggling at home until he has to go out and plow. Mr. Fresh prancing through the white, glittery snow. The magic of Christmas swirling through the air.
Until... I realize that not everyone in the entire world lives in my state. Not everyone who blogs lives in my state. And in MY state...this is the weather forecast for the evening.
Last night was a GREAT night. I was home from work, doing my normal bumming around on Facebook and watching TV until I was forced to do something. This “force” is usually Big A saying that he was on his way home which means I have to get off my butt to start making dinner or convince him on take out. OR it’s Big A saying that he stopped somewhere on his way home and wanted me to meet him. Either way, it means my joyous couch potato time is over and Mr. Fresh and I get back into the swing of things (which is especially hard since it is FREEZING all the time now and we enjoy our cuddling and blanket time on the couch).
I was enjoying the nice, warm quiet, when my phone rang. On the other end was a friend who I have recently gotten back in touch with. Let’s call her P. Asking if I wanted to meet for a drink…umm… is the Pope catholic? Is the sun hot? Does Mr. Fresh’s breath smell? OF COURSE!!! So a little Google-mapping later, we figured out the easiest, quickest route for her to get from where she was to my house… there were drinks on the line now and time IS a factor, so we needed to get her there FAST!
Let’s do a slight recap on how I met P before we get into the current story:
Many moons ago I worked at a day care center. I had started there when I was a junior in high school and stayed there until I started college. A disaster of a nannying job later, I was on my second tour of the center (and there was a third, but that’s a story for another day). Anyway…I had gotten to the point that I had my friends at the center, I had the people that I didn’t like, and I had no desire to change any of that. Working with 40 women definitely can bring out the worst in you…especially under already stressful situations. (Although I will admit that some of it was my own fault due to the giant chip that I had on my shoulder). P was one of the new girls and I had no desire to get to know any of them. People come, people go, and I had enough friends (ya I was pretty great back then huh?). But one day in the staff lounge P walked in and we got to talking somehow. We marveled at how well we hit it off and how similar we were. When she said, we should hang out some time I replied “of course” with excitement and the rest went down in history. Many glasses of wine, times of laughing so hard we almost peed our pants, Dane Cook impersonations, and meeting creepy guys who unknowingly went to hit on transvestites…we became friends. Closer to soulmates. I marveled at her strength, her ability to laugh at life even when it shot her down, and her genuinely good heart. I’m not going to post her business for the world to see, but if you knew this girl personally, you would be impressed as well.
When she arrived, I gave her a slight tour of the cleaner areas of the apartment and then we ventured across the street for some wine and good talk. And let me say, it’s like we never stopped talking. It definitely helps that we didn’t have a major falling out that lead to us not talking…it was more just life getting in the way. You know what I mean. When life is dragging you both is separate directions and you have no choice but to just roll with it. That’s what happened. But now we are back!
Needless, to say we had A LOT to catch up on. It had been over a year since we had talked and we spend a good amount of time playing catch up. (Even though we just met for coffee two days before and we spent WAY more than my allotted time for lunch break catching up…and I’m pretty sure there is more to say) It was fantastic. I remember about halfway through thinking about how it felt like we just picked up where we left at. There was no awkwardness or anything. It was so much fun.
I’m just glad to have her back. I guess it was just easier before because she wasn’t really gone. Ya know. I knew that I could always call her if need be and vice versa. But, now that’s she back, I’m kind of sad for all of the memories that we could have been having the past year. There were definite times where we really could have benefited from having the other in our lives. Hopefully, it doesn’t get that way again. I feel like when you first start dating someone and you really like them, but try not to get too excited and smother them. Haha. But, it’s hard not to when you are trying to make up for lost time. Ahh…well. I was never really good at “playing the game” anyway.
I’m just glad P is back. And hopefully the next time life starts getting in the way, we give it a giant middle finger and drink another glass of wine. Because I’ve learned through life that friends are a dime a dozen…but when you have a GREAT friend…you hold onto them with everything you have.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
When we moved in a year ago, I remember feeling strange living in a new place where I would have to get used to the people living around me. There are four other apartments in our building, so we knew we would run into someone at some point. For awhile after we moved in our landlord lived below us (he graciously let us rent his apartment and lived down there until another one of his opened up). The apartment across the hall from us was empty for the first two weeks until another young couple moved in. There was a guy and his sister who lived on the other side of them. And then a single woman who lived upstairs in the front of the building.
Our landlord, eventually moved out and was replaced by some HORRIBLE neighbors. They made Big A and I extremely uncomfortable for most of their time there and it all eventually ended in a massive blow-out and they moved out. The couple across the hall lasted for about a month before the girl moved out. The guy still lives there, but we don't see him much and it took MONTHS for us to even get him to say hi to us when he walked by.
The guy and his sister became great friends of ours. They were around Big A's age so we often hung out in the driveway together over the summer. Unfortunately, they moved out at the end of the summer leaving the apartment that we almost moved into. That apartment is not filled with an old woman. We barely see her and don't know what she does with that massive apartment. And the girl who lives upstairs? I can count on one hand the amount of times I have actually seen her.
So those are our neighbors. We just had a new one move in downstairs from us, but neither Big A or I have seen him or her. So no judgment there....(yet!) My point of this is that we have had a total of 10 or 11 people that have been our neighbors at one time or another and we don't have a significant relationship with any of them. A slight nod if we see them in the driveway, but that's it. No talking, no interaction, no friendships. I can't imagine any of them would lend me a cup of sugar. It's just how things have become. No one really interacts with their neighbors anymore.
So imagine my surprise last night when I excitedly ran up to the mailboxes to pick up our Christmas cards to only find two packages for people who live across the street. I let my frustration for UPS subside because it is December and you couldn't pay me enough to do their job. So I BEGGED Big A to come across the street with me to drop off the packages because I was SURE that they had ours.
When we went over there, a friendly man answered the door and we explained why we were there. I was SHOCKED that he invited us inside. Most people would take the packages and shut the door, or shut the door and come back if they had something to give you. The definitely don't invite you in. We were created by the man's wife and we exchanged introductions and pleasantries. For the sake of the rest of this story, (and future ones if necessary) let's call them Mr. and Mrs. M. Turns out that not only did they have our package, but Big A knows the guy from doing work on his truck and through his shop.
The gave us a tour of their house, told us about their family, offered us a glass of wine, showed us a picture of our town back in the 1800's, and told us they were so glad to meet us and used to be friends with all of the neighbors that moved away. They told us to come over anytime and we are always welcome. It was sweet. It was unexpected. It was reassuring.
I get into the same mindset of other people. I keep my neighbors at the end of a long stick, not really getting close enough to them to invite them into my house, but keeping it casual enough to know that if the apartment is on fire, there's a good chance they might knock on our door to make sure we get out alive. In today's world, you don't know who you can trust though. All of those serial killers who lived next door to people, pretending to be someone else for years until the police come and dig up the 20 dead bodies in the back yard as the neighbors tell the news
"He seemed like such a nice guy"!. Ya, I have no desire to find myself in that situation.
However, that doesn't mean that we need to become complete hermits. I'm sure when Big A and I have a house and maybe some day have little K's and Big A's running around, we will form relationships with our neighbors and such. Maybe someday we can all get back to a time where our neighbors are our friends, our companions, people we can count on. And as long as there are still people like Mr. & Mrs. M, then I think that could happen. Who knows though...we will have to wait and see where the world goes.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I know I have been away from blogging for a few days. But, honestly between being busy and not having anything substantial to blog about, I figured it would be best. I’m sure you all don’t want to hear about how I brushed my teeth, or did the laundry. I think that would be even worse. Right? I thought so.
So, here I am. I’m back. And what else should we talk about but the amazing victory the Patriots had against the Jets last night. 45 to 3!!! Anyone who watched the game knows we worked hard for that (ya we! I may not be on the field, but I consider myself on the team…it might just be a
Anyway, the game was AMAZING. Case closed.
Let’s back track a little bit though…Sunday was chores day. It’s not any fun, but it’s a part of being a grown-up. I cleaned up some of the trash around the house, went grocery shopping, and then set to actually cleaning the house. Big A came home in the middle and was my HERO!!! He vacuumed and swept the living room, while I finished up the bathroom…cutting my cleaning time by a good half an hour. (Have I mentioned that I LOVE this man?) Now, those of you who know us are well aware of the fact that Big A isn’t exactly the most domestic of men. We had many a fights about washing dishes until I finally worked out a deal with him that he would never have to wash them again. Our lives have been much happier now. However, whenever I clean the house I always get upset that he doesn’t help. Like why should I be stuck in the house (on a beautiful Spring / Summer day) when he is out having fun. I especially hate it when he is HOME and I am cleaning. Not fair. I know how times USED to be, but there is no law written that since I am female I should do all of the cooking, cleaning, etc. End.Of.Story. So, I decided to try something different.
Instead of huffing and puffing around the house, pissed off that he is watching TV and I am breaking my back cleaning the house, I used my words like a big girl and this is what happened:
ME: Hey Big A, how about you sweep and vacuum the living room while I finish
cleaning the bathroom and then the cleaning will be all done!
BIG A: Really? Like, right now?
ME: Yes, you said that when I want help I should ask you instead of just getting pissed
off that you aren’t helping. So I am asking you to please help by sweeping and
vacuuming the living room.
BIG A: OK, give me a minute.
So, he waited until his Clint Eastwood movie went to commercial (yep, Clint was on and I STILL got him to help) and then swept and vacuumed the living room. AND he did a great job. I mean, he spent more time on it than I would have. But, that’s usually because the living room is the last room that I clean, and by then I just don’t care. So YAY!!! Look at us being grown-ups, talking about things, compromising about things. What a way we have come in a year. This time last year. That would have gone a lot differently. BUT… there’s no need to speculate on that.
After cleaning, we put out the Christmas decorations. I am lacking in the holiday spirit department this year, so I figured that this might help jar some nostalgic memories of Christmas past. NADA. We are supposed to be getting our tree tomorrow night, so let’s see if the smell of pine and twinkling lights can get me in the mood. Otherwise, I might be getting some visits from ghosts. The bright side of the matter is that I have succeeded in not becoming a Grinch. Unfortunately, I think that attempt pushed me more into an apathetic view rather than a jolly, merry one.
Ahh…well. My FSIL is major into the holiday season this year, so maybe I will spend some more time around her and I can pick up on her positive Christmas vibes. She’s usually good for that.
Alright, I that’s all the recap I have for now. L is coming over and we are pretending that it’s Christmas (and my birthday!!!) since she is leaving for Arizona tomorrow (the brat…I kid I kid…I’m happy for her…although the chances of me sneaking into her luggage are large…and yes Kelli, if I sneak into her luggage and go to Arizona I will visit. But…you may not keep me. Deal?). That’s it for now. The countdown is on… 13 days until the BIG 2-5!!! Make sure you get your shopping done ahead of time so you can be home relaxing thinking of how happy I will be when I open it! See…who says I don’t care about others huh?
Friday, December 3, 2010
Last night Big A came home and said that we should go out and grab something to eat. We went to this local Mexican Restaurant that we love and hung out at the bar, got some food, and had a couple margaritas (ohhh… too many margaritas). Nothing special, just the two of us out to dinner. We chatted while we ate and drank (oh my head…) and then began heading home.
We started to have a conversation about a mutual friend of ours, who continuously confuses us with the choices they make in relationships. Why the choice of people seems so obvious to us…but seems to be a mystery to them. I then begin to toy around with the idea that maybe said friend makes these choices because they are safer. I mean it IS easier to get into a relationship that you know you won’t get too emotionally invested in because you expect it to be a disaster…then to go out on a limb and date somebody who could be the real thing. That way you know that you won’t get hurt too bad. This often happens when you have been pretty badly hurt before and the thought of getting into a new relationship and feeling all of that over again scared the living SHIT out of you (not that I would know this from experience…I must have read it in a book somewhere…ummm… anyway)!
I was trying to explain this concept to Big A who just didn’t seem to grasp it. Why couldn’t he understand what this person must be feeling? I did. And then it hit me… Big A had never had his heart broken. You know that crushing, all consuming, stomach turning, makes you want to either switch teams or crawl into a cave kind of heart break. We have all been there. When you can’t eat, can’t sleep, you spend every single moment wishing that the pain would go away. Big A has NEVER felt that. And I love that about him for two different reasons:
1. Big A is my best friend. I love him more than I ever thought was humanly possible. When he hurts, I hurt. So the fact the he has never felt something this painful makes me happy. And to know that I am the only person in the world that could do that to him, let’s me know that he is safe from harm. I can’t control the rest of the world and what else happens to him. BUT, I can keep him safe and guarantee that he will NEVER have his heart broken.
2. Because he has never felt this, he has never experienced the whole jaded view of relationships. He has never had that warning alarm go off in his head that tells him to hold himself back and protect himself from getting hurt. When we met, he jumped in with both feet with no hesitation (OK maybe a little) and honestly, if it wasn’t for that I would have held back and eventually ruined the relationship because of it (or maybe he would) and we would never have experienced all that we have together.
So, I explain all of this to Big A. That if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have been able to jump in with both feet. That I would have listened to all of the alarms that were going off in my head telling me to run the other way before I get hurt again. That it was because of his ability to feel without holding back that I was able to let go of everything and know that true love exists. That there was just something about him that pulled me in like a magnet. His response:
Of course I didn’t hold back. I couldn’t. I knew from the moment that I first saw you and then again when I talked to you that I loved you. That was it for me. The moment you walked by me, my whole life changed.
I think it’s pretty safe to say that I am the luckiest girl in the world. That I will NEVER find someone else who will ever understand or love me more than he does. That I truly have found the person that I should be with for the rest of my life. I’m a hopeless romantic and firmly believe that everyone has a soul mate somewhere in the world. With that being said, we aren’t guaranteed that we will find them. They could be all the way across the world and we would never know. I was lucky enough that mine lived in the next town over.
I may never be rich. I may never own a big house. I may never own a fancy car. I may struggle through most of my life. Things may not turn out exactly as I would have planned. But, at the end of the day, I get to go to sleep with my best friend and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
So, I did what any normal person would do. I took advantage of Black Friday and ordered myself 3 pairs of jeans. I only buy Aeropostale jeans, and the mall on Black Friday was NOT an option. I waited like a little kid for Christmas and when they finally arrived I ripped them open and tried them on. The result? Jeans FAIL!!! None of them fit!
So, today I braved the mall to exchange them and they didn't have the same ones that I ordered. So, I tried on different ones and they all looked horrible. And when I gave up my fight and asked to return them the girl behind the counter asked what size I was looking for and said she would look out back for me. She was being really nice, so I told the toothpick the hippo sized jeans I require and she skipped to the back room. She came back and said that she could find my size, but only in Regular, not Long like I needed. And as I stood next to her...towering a good five inches over her...I had to tell her that it wouldn't do. Unless they were Long, they might as well be flood pants.
I walked through the mall feeling bigger than ever, and not in a good way. I may try to fight all of the girl stereotypes, but like millions of other girls (and boys...admit it you go through it too you just don't say anything) I have my insecurities. I was just so upset that I wasn't able to find anything that fit in a store FILLED with jeans. They had them, and plenty of them were Long, just none of them big enough. And then I started to wonder where it all went wrong. And when I started to care so much. Of course all I noticed, as I had my private little pity party, every.single.person that walked by was TINY. I think I just got so upset with the fact that I'm not where I want to be that I just gave up. And now it's catching up with me. I need to take better care of myself.
In a perfect world, I would take this as a wake-up call. I would eat healthier. Exercise more. Quite smoking. But, we all know things like that don't change overnight. I do know that in my last 18 days of being 24, something needs to change. I spent the last quarter century doing NOTHING to keep myself healthy and that's crap. I wish I believed more in that whole "your body is a temple thing" and took care of it. I mean honestly, unless you believe in reincarnation or spirits moving in and out of bodies, this is the only one I have.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not singing the whole oh my God, I'm so fat, poor me thing. I'm just saying that I need to take better care of myself. I know a lot of this comes from a vain place, but I suppose any way you get to a decision to better your life is better than none. I just want to feel GOOD about myself that's all. I have no hopes of losing 50 pounds and devoting my life to exercising 5 times a day and eating ice cubes for dinner. I just want to FEEL good. I will be entering my mid to late 20's soon and it's about time that the teenage mindset goes away. So I'm going to try to eat a little better, exercise a bit more, take better care of myself.
I appreciate you listening through all of my whining and complaining. I'm sure that everyone can identify with this in some way, shape, or form though. We ALL have something about ourselves that we don't like. Some things we can change, some things we can't. This is all about learning to accept ourselves for who we are and I think that in that, we will become much happier people. And maybe I can stop referring to people as toothpicks or dreaming of shoving large cheeseburgers down people's throats that I think should put ON some weight. If that's what makes them happy and it's healthy, then so be it. It's all about being happy. And I'm going to try to be more happy with myself. Just the way I am (or 10 pounds lighter).