Thursday, March 10, 2011

Confessions of a Kid Trapped in a Grown-up's Body

OK, let’s be honest here. I figure I owe it to at least myself and those who actually read this horrid thing.

I’ve got baby fever!

There I said it.

Now, before you all go crazy thinking there is going to be a big “announcement” soon, stop right there. There won’t be. At least if I can help it.

Let me explain. I’ve always wanted kids. It has always been part of the plan. A big important part of the plan. So important that I definitely wouldn’t have dated anyone, ever, if they didn’t want kids. There wasn’t a point. Why go through the heartache of realizing 6 years later that we are on different pages? I refused to do that to myself. I also refused to believe that I could “change” someone. It wasn’t my place.

So, it’s always been hypothetical. Someday, I would become a Mother. And I’m really struggling with the whole concept that “someday” is ummm…right around the corner. Well…kinda. It’s not 10 years away anymore. It’s in the 5 year plan. And that is both equally thrilling and SCARY AS HELL!

I go back in forth between the whole thing of I want a baby (like…umm…yesterday) and holy shit, I’m just a baby myself. I can raise anyone. OH.MY.GOD!

Yep, welcome to my head. It’s a scary place. Most often…these thoughts happen within seconds of each other. Think it’s confusing? Try living with it!

But… it’s not in the plan right now. Big A and I definitely want to go down that road someday, but today (or any day within the next couple years) isn’t that day. We have a path. We will get there when we get there. No biggie.

I think the whole baby thing is really just a symbol of being an adult. That, I’m not really a kid anymore. I’m not in my “early 20’s”. I have a real job, in a corporate office. Where I am responsible and accountable for my actions. I don’t live with my parents anymore. I have rent, and bills, and chores that I have to do because Mom isn’t going to wash the dishes if I leave them there long enough. (Although I would be lying if I said my mother has never washed my dishes at my apartment. Thanks Mom!) This is real life. And for most things…”someday” is now.

And that has been hard to deal with. The overwhelming fear that what I do now actually matters. It’s a big deal. People may excuse bad behavior from a teenager, or potential employers may look over the fact that you got fired from being a receptionist at SuperCuts at the age of 15…even though you were “shockingly” replaced with the manager’s daughter. This matters. I am making a career for myself. A life. And what I do now effects the next 20 or 30 years.

At first I freaked out about this. There may or may not have been crying fits where I tried to explain to Big A what was wrong with me between being a blubbering mess and hyperventilating. But, I am becoming more comfortable with it. Becoming more comfortable in my skin. More comfortable with my life.

So will there be babies? Yes. Of course. SOMEDAY. But, with everything else going on, I’m extremely comfortable saying, “someday” for that…isn’t here yet.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Little Somethings...