Monday, March 12, 2012

Sleep + ADD = Bad News Bears

I’m sleep deprived. And it is killing me.
There have been multiple factors that have been leading to my lack of sleep. So it isn’t like I can just figure it out and fix it. Every day is a new surprise.
Last night, I was exhausted. I wanted sooooo badly to go to sleep. After spending the entire day with a pounding headache (and not even a killer, “I drank too much and got silly” night before… I was the DD… LAME) I was just begging for sleep.
So, I decided to count sheep. I had never tried it before and they say it is supposed to help, so I count sheep.
Except, I am moving my head like I am actually watching sheep jump over a fence. And then I imagine that the farmer finds out that the sheep are escaping. So he comes running out of the house with his pitchfork screaming. And he bring his Border Collies with him to herd the sheep. So the farmer is yelling, the dogs are barking, and the sheep are baa-ing while running all over the place.
Does that sound relaxing to anyone? Because seriously… it isn’t. Whoever came up with the idea to count sheep should be tied to a chair in a field and told to count sheep and he will only be released if he can fall asleep.
So, sheep are out. Then I decide that maybe my body just needs some soothing words. Which now means I am talking to myself in my head:
Ok…  you are sleepy. You are calm. You are comfy. And you will fall asleep so soon. You are soooo tired. OK? FALLASLEEPDAMMIT! Why aren’t you sleeping yet? I said that you were tired. You were cozy. What the hell else do you need? You need to go to sleep now. You have to be up in six hours. Six hours. That is it. Now… it is nice and quiet. Fall asleep before the dog starts walking around. Oh no the dog is up walking around now. Lay still. He won’t know you are awake. OK good he has gone back to bed. Now go to sleep. You have to be up in 5 hours and 55 minutes. DAMMIT!
Once again… not relaxing.
I eventually pass the fuck out fall asleep, but I’m up every couple hours. At one point I decided that I MUST be uncomfortable because my feet are hot. I fell asleep with my socks on which I NEVER do. So I take my socks off. This is 3:00 AM.
I wake up at 4:30 AM and I still have my socks in my hand, but they are cuddled up next to my face. I then spend the next 5 minutes resisting the urge to vomit. Oh GOD how I hate feet.
I have to be up in 2 hours. GOOOOOO TOOOOOO SLEEEEEEEEEP. Ewww. I wonder if my face smells like feet now. I mean, my socks don’t smell THANK GOD but ewww. I wonder how many germs people have on their feet. I wonder if I will get that skin disease that my Elementary school gym teacher got from being a wrestler and being exposed to other people’s sweat on unclean mats. Can you get that from your own sweat & germs? Oh GOD that would look gross in the wedding pictures.
At some point during THAT rant I fall asleep again.
And in the blink of an eye, my alarm is going off.  Although, I can’t wake up to save my life. Because, although I have trouble FALLING and STAYING asleep during the night, I can sleep like it is my job in the morning and during the day.
Maybe I should get a night job.
Soooo… here I am. I was half an hour late for work. I am soooo completely exhausted that I have tears running down my face from yawning so much. And I am wearing my sneakers. Because you wear sneaker to work with your business casual attire.
At least it is better than last night when I drove over to my parents’ house for dinner and didn’t realize until I was half way there that I left the house in my slippers and never bothered to put shoes on.
I think it is safe to say that I am losing my shit.
Maybe I will just consider it practice for parenthood…
…or maybe I will just down a bottle of wine before I got to bed… won’t help with those pesky headaches I’ve been getting, but will totally help with that whole sleep problem.
Happy Monday Everyone!!!


  1. Oh my gosh, I know how you feel. Only my boyfriend is like this. He wakes up 2-4 times every night, which then wakes me up and I start talking to myself and can't go back to sleep. I told him to quit messing with my "REM" cycle.

    Maybe you should try some melatonin. That knocks me on my ass when I am having some insomnia :)

  2. This does not sound fun! And I am sure the whole Daylight Savings time thing didn't help either! I hope you can get some sleep tonight!


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