Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Want a Little Cheese with that Whine?

Sometimes I get frustrated. (Sometimes?)

Sometimes it seems like I am getting kicked in the teeth no matter which way I turn.

This year has been a hard one.

Really hard.

We lost a close friend right before Christmas last year, and I feel like that just set the tone for the entire year of 2012. Big A and I both tried so hard to enjoy ourselves over the holidays, but it just wasn't in us.

Then on New Year's Eve we found out that they were putting my grandfather into hospice care.

That strong, unbelievable man made it all the way to February 8th. I am still in awe of him. How strong he was through everything, even though his body was failing him.

Nothing else seems to compare much to those two events.

But the hits kept coming.

I feel like every time I get something back to normal, there's something else to deal with.

Job troubles, friend troubles, money troubles, wedding troubles.

You name it? We got it.

There are some very heavy things that are weighing on my heart and unfortunately there isn't a thing I can do about them. I feel stuck. Like I'm waiting for someone else to make a move and I just can't go anywhere until then.

And as if that isn't enough, and I'm not thoroughly stressed out with everything else... the hits keep coming.

Yesterday, for example. I found out that as a result of my switching supervisors (and no, not a promotion or a raise... my boss switched parts of the company and I didn't go with him this time, which is a WHOLE other story of WTF?!) they are switching me from bi-weekly pay to weekly.

Cool right?

Oh wait...the schedules are different. So I get to miss a paycheck! Anyone out there think that they could miss a paycheck and still pay all of their bills? Because if you can, I want you to adopt me and tell me your secrets, because I just can't do it.

And this takes place 3 weeks before the wedding. Seriously? RIGHT before the wedding. Because I will have so much expendable income then. Oof!

There was some other BS yesterday, but I just won't get into that.

I went to the gym with N to blow off some steam. And it worked. Until I went home and proceeded to trip down my stairs taking the dog out, almost smashing my face open. Why do you ask? Because our back stairs are falling apart. And despite the fact that we have told our landlord, as usual he can't be bothered.

So, we are just taking the planks off one by one and they come apart, and moving them to a space that we are less likely to step on them, thus getting a rusty nail shoved into our foots.

Although, compared to some things right now... that sounds like a blast.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am in a funk. I get some caught between wanting to fight every battle that is brought to me and then just keeping my mouth shut constantly because I don't want to rock the boat. (Although sometimes it is because I don't trust myself to open it. You know what they say, "If you don't have anything nice to say...")

But, now I'm stuck miserable because I kept my mouth shut for so long that now it would be ridiculous for me to bring anything up.

I mean seriously, if we weren't getting married this year, then this year would completely blow. I would just call it a wrap and hunker down in the basement until New Years. But I'm hoping... that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

That things will be OK. That I can pull myself out of this melo-dramatic bullshit and ENJOY myself.

I just need a break. A miracle. Something. Something to get me out of this funk.

I went back to the gym yesterday, which DEFINITELY helped, but we can thank my rotting back staircase and my asshat of a landlord for ruining that one. Boooo!

Alright... I just needed to get all of that out. I just needed to say that this sucks. I'm looking forward to Summer. Because although I'm sure there will be more drama and bullshit, at least the weather will be nice and I am now out of work at 3:30 every afternoon. Woo!

And I try to remember that I get to marry my best friend in a couple months. It just SUCKS that I know I am going to remember this time as being bullshit, rather than the happiest time in my life leading up to my wedding to the main of my dreams.

Soo.... I'm going to try to pick my ass up off the ground and just say "eff it". I mean, if I can't change any of this nonsense then why focus on it? It is what is is. Now move on. Right?

I'm going to try.

But first... I go to the dentist. Because apparently, that's what I need. A trip to the dentist where I can scream and cry like a little girl.

I'm thinking I might already break my "no booze during the week" rule and have a nice glass of wine tonight. Because anyone who has to have their teeth/mouth picked at by a very nice, but large chested woman (she rests them on my forehead practically... it's...uncomfortable to say the least) should be able to drink. A lot.

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