Saturday, July 21, 2012

Bittersweet

Today is my bridal shower.

I can't even begin to explain how incredibly happy and excited I am.

I have about three hours until my mom comes to pick me up and they will probably be the longest three hours that I have ever known. Haha.

The problem with having downtime is that you have time to think.

That's where today become bittersweet. Where all of this becomes bittersweet.

Every so often in wedding planning, it hits me like a ton of bricks. Those who won't be there. And then I am all of a sudden reminded of these people that I love so incredibly much, even though they are gone, and the heartache that I feel about them not being there on my wedding day.

I won't get to dance with either one of grandfathers. I won't get that picture that all of my cousins have.

I won't get to have my Mimi there. Seeing my walk down the aisle. Something she never got to see with any of us because she was taken from us far too soon.

I know it hurts Big A that his grandparents won't be there. How I will only ever hear stories about most of them and will never have the pleasure of meeting them. We are blessed with the fact that he still has his maternal grandmother, one of the sweetest women I have ever met. But, I know it is hard for him that she doesn't get to come to family events.

It's been no secret that I have been an emotional mess throughout this whole process. Most people have been marvelling at the fact that it seems like I have "thawed" out, or the robot finally has expressed feelings. Which of course, is all in good fun. While most people close to me have seen me break down a time or two, this overly sensitive person is still a bit new to them.

Today is a bit different. I think it is because this is the first "event" for the wedding. Well... except for the Engagement Party, but I think everything was still so new and crazy then that I never had time to stop and thing about it. This is where it becomes real that all of this is happening, with or without them.

I think it was magnified by the programs that I was working on yesterday. And how I kept having to rearrange everything because the "In Loving Memory" section was too big.

And to be honest, that hurts. Pretty bad. At times I feel like I got a raw deal. How it's not fair. Why don't I get them there? It's pretty easy to get angry about it. Questioning why things like this happen and why it will always hurt.

I try not to let it get to me too much. I've really been trying to focus on everything that I DO have. And how lucky I am to have the people I do in my life. My amazing friends who would do anything for me. My family. My mom, my dad, my brother. Some people go through all of this without them. My extended family. And of course, the amazing family that I am gaining. The family that has welcomed me with open arms since the day they met me. And let's not forget my amazing Fiance, who without, none of this would ever happen.

I truly am a lucky girl. I am blessed.

And that's what I am going to try to focus on. That is what I am going to throw myself into today. I'm not going to hold onto the sadness of those who won't be there, I'm going to enjoy every.single.second. of who IS there.

I know this is a bit heavy for a Saturday. But, I felt like I needed to get this all out so that I truly enjoy myself today.

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend! I'll be back with recaps sometime next week.

Smooches. 

1 comment:

  1. I absolutely felt every single thing that you are feeling. I lost my Grandma about a year before our wedding and it killed me knowing that she wouldn't be there. In fact, I didn't have any Grandparents there and neither did Aran. It is something that is really hard to get past, but once you do and you realize that they will be watching down on you, it makes it a little bit easier. I hope that you can find a cool way to incorporate things in your wedding that remind you of them. I know that they sell little charms that you can put pictures in to attach to your bouquet. I almost went that route, but I decided to just use a broach that was my Grandma's so that she was walking down the aisle with me. It really helped me to feel like she was there. Hope you can find something like that too!

    ReplyDelete

Little Somethings...