Thursday, November 29, 2012

Warm Milk, Penny Candy, & Chocolate Milkshakes

I debated whether I should post this or not. I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer, but I didn't get into this whole blog world to sugar coat how I feel. Last night was a hard one. I have no idea why. And I'm feeling better today. But last night...was the worst. I guess sometimes it just sneaks up on ya.

It seems that things like this seem to pop up when you least expect it. You are just going through your normal life. And then bam. It just hits you like a ton of bricks. That little hole in your heart that you thought was filled...is still there.

For me it is smells, mostly. They bring me back to some time in my life. Sometimes it is a happy memory. Sometimes it males my heart ache.
Last night I was making hot chocolate. My first one of the season. I started warming the milk, mixing in the cocoa, and stirring it just so until it was all nice and mixed. Just like I was taught.

I've had about a million hot chocolates in my life. And they all remind me of my Nanny and Grandpa. How my brother and I used to go to their house to stay overnight. We always had the best time. And in the winter my Nanny always made us hot chocolate. I remember the giant Swiss Miss canister. She would let us scoop our own powder and then we both (my brother and I) would get a spoonful to eat.
But last night, when making my hot chocolate I caught a whiff of the warm milk and it immediately made me think of my Grandpa. I remember one night when my grandparents were watching us and I couldn't sleep. He made me warm milk and told me it would help me sleep. I never liked warm milk, but to this day, probably 20 years later it still makes me think of him.
I remember his smell. His voice. His jokes. How he always told us "not to talk to any strange cars" on our way home. Or how, without fail, he always asked if there were any checks for him in the mail...even if we weren't at his house.

And in that moment, I missed him. Like it was yesterday. A punch to the gut. The tears came rolling and suddenly it had seemed like a lifetime since I've seen him.
It has been a lifetime. An entire lifetime. He died in 2007. He never met Big A. He never saw me graduate college. He never saw me get married. I feel like he has missed such a huge part of my life and I would just give absolutely anything to see him again. To just hug him and talk to him. To go get a chocolate milkshake at Woolworths. To get penny candy at the Daily Market because his car, "The Blue Lady" would always head straight there after school no matter what Grandpa said. To have him call me his Rainbow Princess just one last time.
I just couldn't believe how much it still hurt. 5 years later. And I still remember every.single.minute of that day.

I don't know what it is. What it is about that day. I mean, with my Mimi it hurt so much. She was my first grandparent that I lost. It sucked and I was so angry that she was going to miss so much. But she was sick. It wasn't completely out of nowhere. We had many scares and many close calls but we had time to prepare.

With my Grandy it was awful. Watching the steady decline was devastating. Going from my grandfather to someone I barely recognized in a matter of months. I still remember the sound of his last breath and it will stay with me forever. And as much as I was in denial, I knew deep down that he was dying. I prepared myself for it every day. Every phone call. Every text. I expected it to be goodbye.

But with my Grandpa, I just suppose that I've never had peace with it because I never got a good bye. It came out of nowhere. My grandparents were in the process of moving back to Massachusetts from Florida, when we heard of news that my uncle died. They went to Ireland for the funeral and within a month, my grandpa had a heart attack. Which was devastating. But he was OK. He was up, he was talking. It literally took me the time to go pick up my car from a friend's house 15 min away and he was gone. Just like that.

No good bye. Nothing. Just. Gone.
 
Maybe that's my problem with it. Because I wasn't able to say good bye. But then again, how much would it have helped if I did? Ya know. I've posted this on here before, but it always seems to apply. My aunt wrote a poem when my Mimi died and it said:
 
"We are not to know which good bye will be the last.
For we might hold on to tight when the spirit is ready to soar"
 
Which I get. If I knew, I would have held on to that man so tight. Not letting him out of my sight. Not letting him go to Ireland. But it was his time. He always said that "when you are born, the day you will die is written right next to your name in a book. And that's the day it will happen".
 
Doesn't make it fair. Doesn't make it right. It just is.
 
I don't know if it's the holidays, or the wedding, or the anniversary of his death, or that my Nanny is going to Ireland next week, or just everything that is going on that makes me think "you are missing this! You are missing so much! You should be HERE."
 
Who knows. But, apparently I needed to get all of that out. I feel a bit better today. Still a little sad. But not as bad as I was. I don't know, I guess sometimes you just need a good cry to let it all out. Whether you understand why or not.

5 comments:

  1. Tears are streaming down my face right now. I lost my grandpa in Decemeber of 2006. Today, someone said "Skyblue pink" at the office and that was my grandpas saying! What I would have given to see him sitting beside my grandma on my wedding day! :( I am the younger grandchild and the only one who didn't have him at their wedding. I'm sure your nanny and grandpa were looking down on you on your wedding day! xoxoxoxoxoxo

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  2. Girl, I am right there with you. My grandpa died while we were on our honeymoon. Thanksgiving was hard but I held it together, but this morning I heard "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" on my way to work, he loved that song and my grandma would sing along and do this silly dance....I lost it.

    Sometimes you don't know when it will hit you. I lost my other grandpa in 1999 so he missed out on everything, my high school and college graduation, Andrew, my wedding and I still wonder sometimes how different things would be if he was still here. He loved Christmas and this time of year makes me miss him so much.

    There is nothing wrong with a good cry, reading this was just what I needed today so thank you :)

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  3. I am so right there with you...you and I are legit the same person. My grandparents died when I was still pretty young and I always lament the fact that I only knew them as Nana and Pap instead of as Robert and Doris. It never goes away. I know I'll be cleaning things out and get a whiff of Nana's perfume from an old jewelry box and it just takes me back. It makes me so sad but I like knowing they aren't in pain anymore from their illnesses. Plus someone has to take care of our awesome Beagle who passed away!

    I love that quote too, we really do never know when our goodbyes are the last one, which is why it's so important to show the people you care about that you love them everyday.

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  4. Good thing I decided not to wear make up today because it definitely would have melted off my face after reading this. I know exactly how you feel. I lost my Grandpa in September of 2007 and then lost my Grandma in December of 2010. I don't think it ever gets any easier. And I think the same things all the time. I was so frustrated and mad and sad all at the same time that neither of them were going to be at my wedding or going to see me have my first kid. Grandma got to come to my graduation, but Grandpa didn't and that really hurt because he was the one that pushed me to do my best in College and knew that I was going to do great things with my life afterwards.

    And the littlest things make me think of them and then usually have me in tears afterwards. Like Werthers candy or Sugar free candy. They always had some in the table next to the couch. Or certain movies and shows that we always watched together. Or finding Birthday cards that they sent me.

    I like knowing that they are in a better place, but that doesn't help the pain that is still there from losing them. And this time of year is especially hard with the Holidays. It always make me miss them more.

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  5. I feel the same way about my Grandfather, it's always worse this time of year. It's been 11 years and oye it hurts. Thanks for sharing and hope things look up today!

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Little Somethings...