Friday, April 19, 2013

Letting It All Out There

I'm going to get a bit heavy here today. I've been trying not to talk about the madness that is going on in my beautiful state right now. Trying to stay away from the news, the media, the pictures, the horror. I know that everything I see and hear will be ingrained in my mind forever.
Those are images and facts that I do not want.
But today, I can't avoid it. It is something that is sitting heavy on my heart and something that I need to get out. To work out. Because, as anyone who has known something tragic like this happening in their own "backyard", wishing it away doesn't work.
On Monday, Boston changed forever.
Stories we have heard of these tragedies happening in other places in our country were bad enough. Our sense of security has been demolished as a country. But they were still so far away. It was the ever so popular phrase, "It will never happen to me".
While I didn't know anyone personally effected by the horror that ensued at the Boston Marathon (friends were in the area, but no one close enough to see the chaos, all thankfully safe and sound) the fact that this all happened 45 minutes away is too much. It is too close.
I go back and forth with trying to find peace with this. Trying to accept it as a horrible act that was inflicted upon innocent people, innocent children, and leave it at that. Try not to let the hatred I feel to take over my heart. Try not to picture and wish for horrible things to happen to these two men.
I'll admit it...when I heard that the suspect that is now dead suffered from not only multiple gunshot wounds, but also injuries that were from an explosion, from shrapnel that came from one of their IEDs, I was glad. I was GLAD that he felt what those people went through. Because to me, someone like him, deserves that pain. Deserves to know what it feels like for that bomb to go off and feel the excruciating pain that comes from it.
And I hate that. I hate that I hate them. I hate that I have that ugliness in my heart. I hate that my first reaction to hearing that was happiness. How fucked up is that?
I know it is a totally normal reaction. One that comes from fear. But the bottom line is that even with these men's death, even with their blood spilled on our streets, the monsters aren't gone. There will always be more.
I hear people wondering, "why?". People searching for a reason. Wondering how these two men could do this. What their agenda was. And it brings to mind one of my most favorite sayings that I try and hold true when my head is spinning in turmoil from a situation...
You are trying to rationalize an irrational situation.
We may figure out their reason "why", but we will never understand it. We may placate ourselves with the fact that we "figured them out", but we will never "get" it.
I'm not sure that we will find peace in this situation. I'm not sure that we will find closure either. I think that it brings about a whole new bag of worms.
I know a lot of people assumed that these people were from a certain place. Assumed that those who caused the terror of 9/11 were "at it again". But these guys weren't. They were from Russia.
Granted, they say that the part of Russia that they are from was highly influenced by those who already think that the United States are an evil empire that needs to be defeated. But all of that is speculation as of now. I'm wary to accept any of this information until everything has come to a close. If we ever have any of this information.
I hear a lot of people who are talking about illegal immigrants and how THAT is the issue. How we need to "close our borders" and that will end all of this.
I know we all want a quick fix. I know we want to get rid of guns to stop school shootings. I know we want to shut down allowing people from other countries into our homes so that we can stop terrorism. But there is no quick fix.
The whole immigration issue is a hot topic for me. My father and his family came here from Ireland in 1973. They are immigrants. They are all here legally. All either having their legal alien cards or becoming United States Citizens. I have family in Ireland, patiently waiting YEARS for the word that they are allowed to move back here.
And when I raise this issue to people who are talking about "closing the borders", they say, "Oh, I don't mean them. I mean the other people."
What other people? I mean, how can we decide that EVERYONE from a certain area are bad. How do we pick and choose which countries are more likely to hurt us? Because, I'm pretty sure that from my perspective Russia wouldn't have been on the "no-go" list.
I think that we are trying too hard to fix an unfixable situation. To rationalize an irrational situation.
Closure is a crock. I don't think we "find" it. I think we create it within ourselves. We can't find closure in anything other than ourselves. What we need to find is peace.
Peace in the fact that amidst these incredibly horrific events, that we had people helping people. Perfect strangers assisting those who were hurt. Using their clothing as tourniquets. Staying in the close proximity to where bombs went off, unsure of what was still to come, to help those who were injured. That we worked together, sending in tips, pictures, videos, to help catch these monsters.
Peace in the fact that amidst the chaos, that amidst an act of terror, that amidst the tragedy, we has a country stood up together. The amount of love, thoughts, and prayers that have been sent out to those effected in Boston from around the country, even around the WORLD, is amazing. Incredible.
We are never going to stop all the terrorists. We are never going to stop all the mass murderers. The killers. The degenerates who inflict pain and heartbreak on innocent people to feel some sort of sick satisfaction. BUT...we can unite as a country. As an ENTITY that is not to be messed with.
I don't feel safe right now. I'll be honest. I got to bed every single night, wondering what I am going to wake up to in the morning. Last night was a perfect example. I slept in ignorance last night, only to wake up this morning to find that another innocent man is dead, another critically wounded, explosives and gunshots rang out in Watertown as authorities attempted to capture these criminals.
But what I do know, is that my country has my back. That they are doing everything in their power to make sure that these men are stopped and that we can feel safe to walk our streets again.
We can't live in a world of fear. Fear to leave our houses. Fear of highly populated events. Fear of airplanes. Fear of LIVING.
Because then they win. If we live in fear and hatred, then they win. They break us down, and we are doomed to be defeated.
And I REFUSE to let them win. I won't live like that.
So let's stop wishing for retribution. For crazy theorist ideas of what will stop all of this madness, like getting rid of guns, eliminating the opportunity for immigrants to enter our country, etc. And start wishing for peace. Wishing for us to find our closure within ourselves with this situation. Wishing for our safety back. Wishing that those effected by the bombings, and shooting, have love and support and everything that they need to get through this truly horrific times.
I'm not looking for opinions on this. I'm not looking for battles. I'm not looking for debates on my own opinions. I'm looking for my own closure. My own peace. And writing about it helps me. Letting it all out there allows me to work out my own issues, problems, fear, etc. I'm not diminishing the horror that these people experienced or are feeling. The loss, the tragedy, the PAIN that they are feeling. I'm just saying that we can NOT continue to spread that hate.


  1. You are absolutely right. We can't continue to spread the hate and we can't live in fear. Very well said! Thinking about all of you right now!

  2. This post is amazing. We also live 45 minutes away and while there were some close friends that were there, they werent hurt. I have a cousin that was working in medical tent B. Needless to say, she hasnt been around much this week. So much of what you said is true. The whole "it could never happen to us" is what I've been trying to put into words. We see shootings and all that everyday around Boston and even here but something like this, no way. Boston may not be high on my favorite places list just because of how busy it is but I still have so many emotions. Hate is a cruel thing and I totally agree...we cant continue it. so well said

  3. I don't think we will ever be able to stop the crazy either. And I have to say, the media coverage makes it seem all the crazier. It's everywhere. There has always been evil, but I think hearing about it 24 hours a day makes it seem like it's happening more.

  4. I've been sitting in my bedroom all day watching the news and twitter. When I woke up at 6 never in a million years did I think this would last this long. I left my boss a msg that I would "be late" for work. I really thought they would catch him right away. It is happening just a couple miles from my house. Talk about scary. I wouldn't leave even if I could! I can't even bring myself to blog right now. I'm too confused. Thanks for your post!

  5. Girl! I have been thinking about you and your sweet fam so much this week. I wasnt sure how close you lived to everything that's going on... and omg 45 minutes away is so scary! Boston is awesome for shutting everything down and getting the job done. This is an amazing post.


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