Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Living

I was having dinner tonight with a co-worker who was one of the first people that I met when I started at the company. He and I both worked for the same guy who eventually went to work for a different part of the company and so did we. Our paths don't often cross, but he was in town for a roll-out of new systems, processes, etc. that we are doing in my part of the company and asked if I wanted to go out for drinks.
 
If you have learned anything from me, you will know that this girl doesn't turn down a free drink. (Unless it is suspect of being a roofie colada and then I politely decline...usually...)
 
We were catching up on the past year since that was probably the last time that we talked at length, and I was telling him all about Big A and his cars. I went through the list of what "we" currently have and then what "we" have had over the years. (I put we in quotations because while these vehicles have impacted my life and I've driven all of them at some point, we all know that I have no ACTUAL right to them.) He commented on the fact that cars are Big A's passion and then he said something to me, which should have been a normal statement, but it really hit me.
 
He said, "So, what are YOUR passions?"
 
I couldn't answer it. I told him I didn't know anymore.
 
Truth be told, it's been a wild ride the past couple years. Big A and I got engaged and spent the next 16 months planning a wedding. Then a month later, we looked at our house and spent the next two months wrapped up in that. Then the past six months have been a whirlwind.
 
Between working on the house, personal issues, work, and life, I lost myself.
 
I ended up telling him about my blog, which is usually a no-no to me, but I trust him. I told him how much I used to enjoy writing it, but then I sold out. I linked it to Facebook, focused on creating a following, and lost what the whole point was. I used to LOVE writing. I had so much fun. I used to write about whatever I wanted and every so often someone would tell me that they loved my post and it felt good.
 
I still get that sometimes, but it doesn't feel as good.
 
So, I did what every rational person would do. I spent the rest of the evening talking about doing crazy stuff and how I never do anything exciting and then I came home and complained to my poor sweet husband who only got out the word, "Hi", before I completely unloaded this new complaint to him. Poor thing. Haha.
 
But it's true. I don't have any passions. I don't DO anything. I used to write, and read, and draw, and paint. Now... nothing.
 
So, I'm going to do something about it. At one point I had all of these dreams of making something from this blog. Or becoming a writer. Or... I don't know... enjoying my life.
 
I used to do crazy things. I would drive 2 hours on a whim to go to Red Lobster because I felt like it. I got a tattoo because I was in a really good mood one day and wanted to remember it. I planned a random vacation to Canada for New Year's because it seemed like a good idea so I did it.
 
Now? I spent an entire week going back and forth about buying a new car that I:
A) Knew was a good car, price, etc.
B) Knew would be a good replacement for my car that is getting older
C) LOVED and knew I deserved
 
I kept focusing on the "what-if".
 
What if...
 
It turned out to be a bad car?
I couldn't sell my car?
I didn't buy this car and something happened to mine?
Locusts came and took over the world and carried my new car away to be their castle?
 
I'm so sick of worrying about it all. Things happen in life. It smacks you in the face when you least expect it. Knocks you down. Tries to kick the fight out of you. But, you know what? I've always made it through, so I guess I am wondering what I was so afraid of to begin with?
 
Do I really want to live my life like that?
 
No.
 
So I did something about it. First, I detached my blog from Facebook. Sure people can still look up my blog, but there's no more "drive-by" reading. Everyone who reads this will be here because they want to, not because a link popped up in their newsfeed and they decided to read it while they were taking a shit.
 
Second, I'm going to write more in my other blog. I started one a little while ago when I needed to write about things that I didn't want the entire world to read. Well... more that I didn't want the people in my "real life" to read. I have found that I'm 1,000 times more comfortable writing to the masses behind their computer screens rather than answering the questions of people who I know enough on Facebook, but not enough to share the intimate details of my relationship with. It really is true that you feel a lot tougher behind a keyboard. Although I vow to use my powers for good (i.e. complaining about the mundane details of my life) rather than bullying random people.
 
Third, I'm going to stop worrying about all of the stupid bullshit. Every single day I'm going to ask myself, "If this was the last day of my life, am I happy with the way I lived it?" If the answer is no, them I'm going to punch myself in the face and regulate this bitch.
 
I'm going to get back into drawing and painting more. Doing more artistic, crafty, creative things. I have a laundry list of projects that I want to do and I've been spending my time watching bad reality TV instead.
 
Last, I'm going to stop fucking caring about what other people think. Or what they are going to say. I am so fucking sick and tired of living my life for someone else. I'm over it. I don't care. Don't like what I write? Don't care. Surprised by something that I wrote? Maybe you don't know me as well as you think. Think I'm fucking hysterical and your hero? Then I'll buy you a puppy.
 
Obviously, I'm kidding about the last one. But, I'm so tired of watching everyone else do whatever the fuck they want and being HAPPY. I want to be happy. It will all work out. And if it blows up in my face? Then at least I tried.
 
So that's it. If you're here and reading then I'm glad to have you. For those of you who I have a close relationship with on here, if you want to read my other blog, e-mail me and I will send you the link. The whole point of this crazy blog world is to identify with those who have been through what you have been through. Or you can empathize with them. That's what I want for here. And while I'm not ready to put that all out there on here, I'm ready to start there.
 
And if you're reading P, thanks for asking some a seemingly simple question. You got my wheels turning. Next time you ask me that question I'm going to have a LIST of answers. Also... I'm not kidding about our bar, or our travel blog, or wearing a silly mustache during my webpage interview. Let's DO something fun! You only live once, right?!
 


6 comments:

  1. Girl, hell yes I want to read that other blog. I can relate so much to this post. Sometimes I just feel like such an adult. It's important to stick to your passions and make them a priority- I hope we get to see some of your art!

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  2. Now that was a passionate post! I love you already for your no bullshit ways! Totally wish I could be more like it! And yes, you only live once!! xo
    P.s

    I totally want to read your other blog!

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  3. Great post! I can relate to a lot of this and think it's awesome that you are going to get back to what makes you happy in life. I think you are a great blogger so I want to read your other blog!

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  4. Great post. See, I'm on the other end. I am passionate about things (for example, Zumba and Hanson). But lots of people look down on it and just say I'm "obsessed" even though I am putting time and energy into things that make me happy.

    who cares if its saving the whales, cars, painting, or Hanson? If you are passionate about something that makes you happy...I think it's all good.

    Get back into things that make you crazy happy.

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  5. I absolutely love this post!! You are absolutely right! You should do what you want to do on here and who gives a flying monkeys butt if people don't like it! I find myself thinking the same thing sometimes about "what if someone in my real life reads this".

    Oh and by the way, the comment about reading your blog on the shitter, I was dying. Like LOLing in my office so loudly that people are probably thinking that I am a crazy person, ha!

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