Friday, October 11, 2013

Am I An Ogre?

Self pressure.
 
It's a bitch.
 
Probably because the second someone else pushes me to do something, I just shut down and don't want to do it. But, I can't really do that with myself, now can I?
 
Lately I've been feeling like I'm not doing enough for this baby.
 
I'm not eating well enough, I'm not exercising enough, I'm not preparing enough, I don't have enough money. I just feel like I'm already falling short and the kid isn't even here yet.
 
I can't wait until the baby actually IS here and then I can REALLY hate myself as a mother. Kidding.
 
For the most part I don't really FEEL pregnant. Most days, I'm walking around kind of aware that there is an alien a human growing inside of me, but I don't really feel it. I mean, sure I'm feeling movements here and there. Yeah, my clothes are a little tighter and I'm rocking the belly band like it's my job because although I still can, buttoning my pants are much fun.
 
But nothing feels different. I'm not complaining that I don't have symptoms, trust me. And I have with the heart burn, the nosebleeds, the asthma, the sore back, and the quick exhaustion, but I had all of those problems before. I was lucky enough to kick them for awhile, but they are all back in full force and none of that is out of the ordinary for me.
 
So it's hard.
 
I try to eat when I need to, but I've never been a huge eater in the first place. I'm sure that surprises most people seeing as how I went through a fat phase not too long ago, but really, I didn't eat that often, I just ate a lot when I did. And I can't do that now. I know that if I don't eat within a certain amount of time, I don't feel good. I'm dizzy and sick and getting some food in me isn't easy when you just want to crawl into bed because you feel like shit.
 
But then I gain weight and I think to myself that I'm gaining too much too quick. This kid is going to have a fat mom because by the time he/she is born I'll have 100 pounds to lose and I just won't have the time or energy to do it. My husband will leave me because I am miserable and hate myself and then my kid has to split Christmas with its divorced parents.
 
OK, OK... I know I'm getting a big melodramatic, but you get the picture. I'm just already worried that I'm not doing enough. That I should be eating fresh organic fruits and vegetables ALL the time and exercising like that crazy girl I used to see at the gym who I thought was going to give birth on the elliptical machine.
 
But, I don't. I'm tired. Work has been crazy. We are in crazy renovations to the house, so there was all the preparation for the renovation. And now my entire upstairs is torn apart. I'm doing what I can to help, but it isn't much. It's just a lot on my plate right now. I'm not complaining, just rationalizing that I'm doing the best that I can. But then I think that I'm full of shit and I could do better if I really wanted to.
 
You're your own biggest critic, right?
 
I mean, I've heard of Mom guilt, but I guess I didn't know it started this early.
 
I think I'll make a to do list for myself. Things that need to be done before the baby gets here. Obviously eating right and exercising need to be on there, because honestly I'm petrified to gain so much weight.
 
I know it is vein to think of that. That I should be making the best "home" for my child and that should be my focus, but I JUST got my body back. I was just enjoying being comfortable in my own skin which I hadn't known for YEARS and now I hate that I have to do it all over again. I'm afraid I'm going to lose myself and be miserable. But I'm already trying to figure out ways to get back into shape. I have the treadmill. And I am registering for a travel set that has a mini jogging stroller so we can go for walks while I'm on maternity leave. I'm hoping Big A will be able to support me a little bit in giving me time to get some real exercise in. I'm sure he will want his wife back as soon as possible.
 
I guess it really just all comes down to how uncomfortable I feel in my own skin. I mean, I know some women LOVE this process. I know a woman who LOVES being pregnant. She would be a surrogate if her husband would get on board with it. Big A is fascinated by the whole thing. Everyone else in the world is excited. And don't get me wrong, I am too. I can not WAIT for this baby to be here. But, I can't help feeling like a visitor in my own body. I have no control over it. It isn't mine. It doesn't look how I want it. I am just here for the ride. And I hate it.
 
I know that there are many women who would KILL to be in my position. I know some people struggle with infertility and wish that they could have my problems. But I just have to be honest though. This whole pregnancy thing is just not for me. I'm missing that gene I guess. Everyone I know thinks it is the greatest thing and me? I just can't wait for it to be done. (I mean, I can. No coming early Baby P, you stay in there until you are done being cooked) And I feel guilty about it.
 
Please tell me someone else felt this way? That I'm not the only person in the entire world who just isn't into the whole process. I want the end result. I can't wait to look into those eyes and squish those little baby cheeks and love on that kid forever until they are well into adulthood and I just become embarrassing. I just wish there was a fast forward button. I've heard it is different when you can really feel them. Right now, it's just weird. It feels like someone is tickling my insides which is weird. That's the only way to describe it. The first time was breathtakingly amazing. Every time after that...weird. But I still find myself searching for that feeling, making sure everything is OK.
 
I'm not an ogre. I'm not a bad person. I'm just someone who doesn't love being pregnant. And that's OK. Right?

5 comments:

  1. Oh you are not an ogre by any means....I can't really speak to what you're feeling since I haven't been through it, but I'm inclined to think this is all normal. Having a kid is a huge sacrifice not just emotionally but physically. It's hard to look at how far you've come and then what's going to happen and having to do it all over again. So, don't beat yourself up!

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  2. So here's the thing when I was pregnant I ate okay, but definitely could have eaten better, however I had a strong aversion to chicken and veggies and basically could only handle carbs and I worked out a little but not much and you know what, my son is perfectly healthy and the baby weight eventually came off. You are doing just fine! It will all be okay.

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  3. I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are feeling. My friend who just had her baby dealt with a lot of the same feelings. And she had lost a crap ton of weight too and she had a really hard time with it too. I definitely don't think this is out of the ordinary. And I think it is great that you are being honest about the whole experience. It isn't for everyone, but you are exactly right, the end result will be amazing!

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  4. Every pregnant woman has felt this way... so don't beat yourself up! I felt better about the way I looked in the 20 weeks because I had an actual defined bump and I had more energy! I felt normal aside from the bump :)
    The mom guilt starts at the beginning and it doesn't really go away. You just can't let it get to you! I honestly think the mom guilt has blown up BECAUSE of social media. Before social media we just compared ourselves to our friends and family so there wasn't much to go off of. But now? You can compare yourself to the whole world and there is ALWAYS going to be someone who is doing it better than you ever could. But don't think that way!! We all have our struggles... I promise you're not the only one! You're already a GREAT mom!!

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  5. Never been pregnant so I dont feel I can give any encouraging words on that, but as far as not feeling like you are doing enough (eating well, preparation, exercising, etc) make small goals for yourself. Yes you want the upstairs done, but that is a HUGE project and your not going to feel like it's accomplished until it's done. Start small like let's have 'a new light fixture put up' by the end of next week. Maybe smaller more reasonable goals will help you get out of that funk. You are doing what every pregnant woman does. REST! You are growing a human inside you for pete sake!!!
    You've got this!!! :)

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