Monday, November 4, 2013

I Will Never Sleep Again

Happy Monday Folks!
How are we on this lovely Monday?
Me? Well...I'm exhausted. I haven't slept in a week. Try it. It's fun.
The main reason?
This guy:
He looks so sweet and innocent doesn't he. Especially when he actually gets to sleep.
Our sweet little Border Collie is going through some things. I consulted a dog behavior expert and she pretty much told me I was right in thinking that he was just superfuckinganxious about everything that's going on. So, at night, he just roams the house. He walks back and forth around the bed, into the hallway, into the living room, sometimes he will get some water, then walk back, and sit down, then get back up, and then sit over here, and then lick himself, and then walk around the bed, and paw at me, and then walk into the hallway, and then around the living room. All mother fucking night long. I love this dog like he was my own flesh and blood, but I wanted to sell him at one point. It's bad.
Not to mention that I'm not sleeping super great anyway and my husband tends to snore in the colder weather (sorry honey!). It's been a bad time.
I had been resorting to just closing the bedroom door, but then I felt bad. I mean, the guy is anxious about all of the changes we are putting him through and I just shut him out of the bedroom. That doesn't seem quite fair. Or nice.
But the boy is spooked and I don't blame him.
First off, his main lady is knocked the eff up. Apparently I smell different and my growing size can confuse him. I dunno. Something along those lines. He follows me around everywhere I go. We walk touching each other. It's super fun. Try navigating a house when you already are having balance problems and then a 50 lb Border Collie just stop short in front of you to see if you are still there (of course I'm still fucking there, we are touching for Christ's sake!).
Or he stands right behind me. I imagine him snickering at the thought of me tripping over him. It happens often.
Secondly, we are doing some serious renovations upstairs. My dad has been working while we are gone during the day and Mr. Fresh does NOT like the air compressor. Or the loud banging noises. So, that doesn't help.
This is what my upstairs looks like:

This is the bathroom and the baby's room. He has since framed the walls in the baby's room and started on what will be our bedroom. It's coming along, but it is quite the process.
So, needless to say, the dude is freaked out.
I totally understand. I get it.
So, after days of no sleep. I went to the pet store. I bought him a "calming collar". I bought him a new bone to chew. And I bought him these treats that he loves that take him a long time to eat because apparently chewing is soothing.
I made sure we played with him. We spent extra time with him. We didn't just leave him sitting like a house plant. We made sure to chat with him and acknowledge his presence. And it worked, kind of, for a couple days.
And then last night we were back to the same old same old. I shut him out of the bedroom at 3:00 AM. I needed my sleep. One day last week, I hid under my desk because I was so tired. I couldn't do that again. I feel bad, but honestly, I just don't know what to do.
One night when I was wide awake at some ridiculous hour, I got to thinking. I'm probably going to sleep like shit for the next 5 months. And then it is going to take another 3-6 months after that for the baby to sleep through the night (if he ever does). Which pretty much works out to me not sleeping for the next year, at least. An entire year of no sleep. I don't see this ending well.
It's leaving me feeling exhausted, crabby, and ended in tears the other night. No bueno.
And then you get the people who are all "just wait until the baby gets here" or "you think it is bad now" and "oh you don't even know the half of it, you have so much time left". Those are not helpful statements. Those are asshole statements. My misery now is not diminished because you think that it will be worse later on down the road.

Do me a favor people. When you meet a pregnant woman, or a new mom, and you want to give her some sound piece of advice, play it over in your head first. Think about it for a minute and decide if it sounds like a douche thing to say. If you are questionable about it, err on the side of caution and just DON'T say it. They are going through enough without your bullshit "advice".
While we are on the topic of advice here, do not tell me the following:
1) That I may think that I am having a boy, but I don't look like I'm having a boy, so don't buy anything for a boy because I'll be screwed when I find out it is actually a girl.
2) When I feel like I am having a whole bunch of period cramps (eww) at the end of my pregnancy, I am in labor (no, shit, really?) and that I should just walk about for hours because they won't take me until I am 3 centimeters (how the fuck would I know if I was 3 cm or not?)
3) When I am in labor, walk into the hospital and say, "I'm in labor assholes, take me now, or fuck you". (Yeah, that will go over well)
4) That I should take a good look at my baby when she (yes SHE) is born because they are going to try and switch her at birth.
5) That if I go to the doctor and tell them I'm in labor and they say I'm not, tell the doctor to go fuck himself because only I know best.
And there were so many other gems, but we will just stick with these.
So, I'm never going to sleep again, which means that my patience level for dumb advice like that is going to be pretty much non-existent, so I suggest if you are looking to give advice, think twice. For me and for you.
Also, if anyone would like to buy a Border Collie, we could work out a lovely arrangement. He's really a lovely dog and mostly low maintenance. Just don't change up a whole bunch of shit on him at once, because he doesn't like that.
So there you go people. Happy fucking Monday and I'll never sleep again.


  1. Poor guy! Hope you get some sleep soon.

  2. Sorry to hear this K! I hope you get some sleep soon!

  3. I'm tired just reading this. I would kill Ruby if she was up wandering around all night, holy crap you poor thing. They have these things called anxiety jackets at pet stores - maybe that would help? Also it's unreal to me just how many unsolicited comments you get when knocked up. I thought that shit was a myth.

  4. Aww poor guy (& poor you). He seems so scared. Coco does the standing right next to me thing & I end up tripping over her when I turn around. Drives me NUTS!!!

    Ok so I thought about this advice then I rethought about it. I don't think it is completely a douche suggestion, but if it is I apologize in advance. I know with renovations and the baby that spending extra money on Mr. Fresh isn't a top priority, but maybe he needs a doggie daycare a couple days a week while your dad is working on the house.
    Just an idea. Please don't throw things at me :) You look so pretty today! :)

  5. I feel ya on the Border Collie sleep issues. I can't imagine pregnancy on top of it. You're a stronger woman than I :)
    Think we'll have better luck if we can find some poor fool to take them as a package deal??
    That "advice"...what.the.hell. People are insane.



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