Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Post of Christmases Past

I've been seeing this post today, and I thought that I'd jump on the bandwagon. I mean, I haven't posted in a thousand years, at least I can post about Christmases past.
And then I realized that we have been together a LOT of Christmases and this might take awhile...

2007 - Christmas Seven Years Ago: We had only been dating for 7 months, but things were starting to get serious. My Grandpa had just passed away and he drove my dad, my brother, and me FOUR HOURS ONE WAY in a BLIZZARD to the airport so that we could fly to Ireland for the funeral. While we were away, he went over to my house to make sure that my mom was plowed out and didn't need any help. It was safe to say that I was madly in love with him. I will never be able to describe to him what that all meant to me. And to him, it was just no big deal. I knew he was "The One". I met his parents for the first time on Christmas Eve. It was quite the whirlwind of a December.

2008 - Christmas Six Years Ago: We were well into our relationship and things were on the move. It was the first time that we really shared a Holiday. It was overwhelming doing Christmas with two big families, but it was a lot of fun!

2009 - Christmas Five Years Ago: We had JUST moved into our apartment the month before and we were so excited to be living together. It was a huge step for both of us, I had never lived with someone I was dating and he had never moved out of his parents' house. We enjoyed decorating our own tree and making our own traditions for the two of us!

2010 - Christmas Four Years Ago: I'll admit, my ring finger was a little bit itchy this day. Haha. BUT, I tried not to let it get in the way of all the fun we were having. Running from Christmas to Christmas was exhausting but fun!

2011 - Christmas Three Years Ago: A bittersweet Christmas. We were engaged. The wedding planning was well under way, and we were so excited for everything that 2012 would bring us! Unfortunately, my Grandy's health started to go down hill and we didn't know it at the time, but this would be our last Christmas with him. He passed away a little less than two months later. I remember Alex and I sat next to him at dinner. Just talking to him about life and love. It was a conversation that I had NEVER had with him before. He told Alex and I that he was happy for us and that we should always take care of each other. It was probably the most special conversation that I've ever had with him. I wish I had known what I know now. We had to leave to go to Alex's side of the family, and I think that if I had REALLY known what was going on, I wouldn't have left. But, I am SO glad that we got to have that conversation with him. I will always hold it special in my heart.

2012 - Christmas Two Years Ago: Was a big one. We don't do anything small. It was our first Christmas as husband and wife, having just got married three months earlier. We had also JUST moved into our house. It was insane. We closed on the house December 5th, spent every single night working on it and moved in on the 15th. I wish we had more time to get things ready before moving in, but we were on a deadline for my birthday and Christmas. We kept things light on the decorations since we were still spinning in circles, but I will always remember our first Christmas in our house. OUR house.

2013 - Christmas Last Year: Continuing on in rapid speed, we were eagerly anticipating the birth of our son. Christmas was filled with so much magic last year as we imagined what it would be like this year with our sweet boy. We were getting everything ready for him and enjoying our last moments of just US. We knew that in a couple months, our life would change forever.

2014 - This Christmas: There is so much magic in the air. Honestly. I am SO unprepared that it is laughable. But I have this sense of calm about it. Because none of that matters this year. All that matters is that we are so absolutely blessed to have our sweet boy in our life. Alex and I could not have even imagined the love that we would have for this (not so) tiny human being. It is hard to remember a moment of our lives without him. He was definitely a missing piece to our puzzle. While this year has been FAR from easy, we are so incredibly lucky to have our family. And THAT'S what matters this year. Family

Thursday, November 20, 2014

No. Time.

Has anyone noticed that there is no time to do anything?
Like, literally, NO time to do ANYTHING.
I always have a running list of things that I want to do:
*Meal Prep
* Maybe even *gasp* BLOG
But they always seem to get shoved to the side. As soon as I find myself settling in, something changes.
Baby J was taking a late afternoon nap, which was killer. I would work through the morning and middle nap, bust out a whole bunch of stuff. Then I was free to work out and get some chores done at the end of the day.
And then he dropped to two naps. So I rearranged.
And then he would wake up the SECOND I hit play on the DVD.
Or he started sleeping well again, I worked out for a week, and then he got sick.
I mean. Seriously.
So, now when I have free time I need to sweep and vacuum for the millionth time because the crazy baby is covered in dog hair. Or make dinner. Or do laundry. Or. Whatever. It's never ending.
I tried to do the whole "Beach Body" thing. I really felt like if I could get this group of people together, we could really all be successful and support each other (and maybe make some cash on it). BUT, like I said before, I found myself trying to find all of this time to do something I wasn't really enjoying. When I could barely find time to SHOWER.
So, I stopped.
And then I started my Etsy shop (Fraggle Creations) and was doing really well with it. But then... ya know... life got in the way and now I have 1,000 plain mugs, travel mugs, wine glasses, etc. that are waiting to be painted.
It's been a struggle.
But that's how I feel. There is NO time to do anything.
I feel like I can't make time to spend with my friends because once I finally get a free second, there is a mile long list of things that need to get done. It's just constant.
I know it will get better. I know things will calm down. I know things will get easier. But it just doesn't help that there is no time to go anything. And if I want to find time to do something that is outside of my "free time" or doesn't involve the baby, then I'm struggling to find someone to watch him for me.
It's just hard.
So there ya go. I've come out of blog hiding to bitch about how hard life is sometimes.
Pretty standard. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

October 15th

I wasn't planning on blogging today. I don't plan on blogging most days. But, after seeing what today was a whole bunch of times, I felt like I needed to.
Today is October 15th, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
If you have been following along for awhile, which most of you have because the blog is private right now and there's like 3 of you who still have access, then you know that our journey to have Baby J was a little bit harder than initially anticipated.
I know that we were lucky in the sense that we only dealt with one lost, and it didn't take us that much longer to get pregnant again. But it crushed us. I don't think it was even a blip on our radar that we would get pregnant the first month, and we definitely never expected to ever face a loss. I mean, that stuff happens to other people, not you, right?

20 months later, I have hundreds of pictures of my sweet, almost, 7 month baby boy. We are one of the lucky ones. But I don't think we will ever forget that feeling. I think it will always be in the back of our heads and in our hearts.
With a shitty statistic like 1 in 4, chances are either you or someone you know has experienced a pregnancy loss. And it's terrible. There are so many different websites out there that help. I found a lot of solace in some online support groups for awhile. Just talking about it helped. Just know that you're not alone. I found that it was a lot more common than I thought. It helped to talk to people who had been through it.
If you know someone who has been through it, or been through it, talk about it. Reach out. It gets easier, I promise. You never forget. It's never fully OK. But it gets easier.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Motherhood: Perception vs Reality

I once thought that every night I would bathe my sweet little baby, get him ready for bed, read him a book, feed him a bottle, and rock him gently to sleep. Breathing in his sweet freshly bathed smell. Listening to him breathe.  Thinking of all of our blessings.  And some days it's like that. Some nights the stars align and everything is timed perfectly and we all float through bedtime like a dream. Other nights...those real nights that really give you your Mama card...he loses his shit the second the soap touches his body, but he's thrown up on himself ALL day so he has to have a bath. He screams bloody murder the entire time, I rush through it, forgetting to wash most parts and attempt to wrestle him into his pjs while he attempts to dive bomb off the changing table.
I can never figure out what kind of night it is going to be, so it is hard to prepare for the chaos. The reality is that I never know what each day, night, and overnight are going to be.
Will he be happy today? Will he eat? Will he nap well? Will the bath be a struggle? Will he go right to sleep or will it be a battle ending more in my tears than his?
There have been many times where I have taken my sweet baby, kissed his soft chubby cheeks, handed him to my husband, and walked away to go have a good cry. There definitely are those time where I have my shit together, but there are also those moments when I feel like the ultimate failure. Oh, the joys of motherhood. I never thought I would experience those ultimate highs and those terrible, crushing lows.
And I have a good baby.
This kid is really good compared to most of the babies I have come into contact with in my various years of child care.
I don't know how people do it with babies with colic, who don't sleep, who don't eat, who are just generally fussy babies. I keep reminding Alex that we need to keep it together because this is nothing. I'm secretly petrified that if we act too exasperated now, we will be reminded how good we had it with our next child. Which honestly makes me questions whether or not we should have a next child... but that's a whole other post.
I guess I didn't expect it to all be sunshine and roses, but I also didn't expect it to be so absolutely  gut-wrenchingly exhausting. It gets easier, sure. I started writing this post I don't know how many months ago, but now things are already different than that first paragraph.
We got past the bath battle. Now he loves it. Unless he has reached his last straw of the day, bath time has become quiet enjoyable. He plays, and splashes, and knows exactly where to find his rubber duck every single time. It's part of the day that I cherish. The same baby who acted like that the Johnson & Johnson "no tears" soap was really some sort of flesh melting acid, actually enjoys it now. Things change.
I try to remind myself that this is a season. Just when I think I have my mommy shit together something changes. Always. I get his naps down, and he changes them. I start counting on them, and he drops one. The baby that slept through the night, now wakes up and wants to play for two hours. He's already grown out of that one. Everything is a season. That's what helps me get through the days.
Except... after his sweet eyes have closed for the night, and his breathing had slowed, his little hand still holding tightly to my thumb... I think... it's only a season. These days are fleeting.
I remember those nights where the only way to get him to sleep was to sleep with him on my chest while lying on the couch. I would have paid big money to be able to sleep in my own bed. He doesn't do that anymore. And I would pay big money for him to sleep on me like that. Now that we worked so hard to get him to sleep on his own, teach him to fall asleep by himself, like the books tell you to do, those snuggle times are so few and far between.
This kid is on the go. If he's sitting still, he's exhausted. That's the only time. And it's usually only for a second until his gets his twelfth wind and then he's off crawling to try and flip the dog's food bowl.
Now I treasure those moments that he falls asleep during his last bottle. It happens more often then not, but I know if he is still awake after I need to put him in his crib, or else he thinks it is play time. But those times when he falls asleep. Snuggled right into me like he used to. Easily three times the size that he was when we first brought him home from the hospital. But still my baby boy. I look at his little face. I brush his hair with my hand. I kiss those chubby cheeks. And breathe in the smell of him. For this is only just a season.
And that's the crazy part about motherhood. A post you started months ago because you were so absolutely exasperated. That you continued one night because you found yourself feeling the same thing. You sit and write your heart out, talking about how hard it is, how it is always changing, exhausting. And just like that, you are remembering those crazy nights holding your brand new baby, and those nights holding your not-so-new baby, and the tears are already flowing because you can't even begin to feel a tiny thimble amount of the love that you have for that little guy.
That's motherhood. It's a season. Always changing. Exhausting. Stressful. Exasperating. Raw. Emotional. All-consuming. Amazing. Exhilarating. Loving. Magical. All in one. All in a moment. All in a season.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Baby J: Four Months

I can't believe that my tiny sweet baby is four months old (or at least he was when I originally started writing this). You are 18 lbs 3 ounces, and 26 inches long. You are in the 95% for weight and the 82% for height. At a whopping 44.5 cm, you're in the 98.99% for your big dome. It must be from all of those brains you got from your Mama.
We are slowly, but surely getting the hang of things here. I feel like I gain a little bit of myself back every single day and that has allowed me to relax a little. In relaxing, we've had a lot more fun!
Month 4 was a big month. As they all have been (and I'm sure all will be). Here are some of the recaps:
* The dreaded sleep regression. In true "you" fashion, you like to hit your milestones early. You hit the 4 month sleep regression right after you turned 3 months. That's one we probably could have waited for. Thankfully, it only lasted a couple weeks and you were back to your sweet self when we went on vacation. I don't know if I could have taken any more of it. It was a ROUGH time.
* On June 28th, you had your first dip in the pool. You like water, but this was a little cold. You squirmed and fussed for a minute, but then you loved it. As long as you were moving that is. As with everything, you have a need for speed. Standing still is NOT tolerated.
* You had your first 4th of July! And we learned that you can NOT sleep through fireworks. Hmm...
* On July 7th, you took your first trip to Martha's Vineyard. You were amazing! Daddy and I were worried about a vacation with a baby, but you took it all in stride. As usual.
* On July 9th, you had your first trip to the beach! You were tired and hungry and not quite sure of the waves, especially when they came crashing at you. Maybe next year kid. Haha.
* After trying and trying and trying all week long on vacation, you FINALLY rolled from your back to your belly on July 13th. And then gave your poor Mother a heart attack for days because you now liked to sleep on your belly with your face smooshed down. You slept fantastic...I on the other hand... was up all night every night making sure you were breathing.
* On July 20th you tried your first solids (other than the cereal that made you miserable), sweet potatoes. You LOVED it and never looked back!
You smile a lot in your sleep. It's so sweet to watch. I'd like to think it's because you're happy, and not just an involuntary reaction. You are also starting to find your voice. You realized that if you yell we pay attention, so you yell all the time. All. the. time. You are really enjoying reading, which I love. We read a couple books every single night and you sit so well for them. Your favorites right now are "Goodnight Martha's Vineyard" (from your great aunt Margie) and "SnugglePuppy". I'd LOVE to find out who gave you SnugglePuppy because it is your absolute FAVORITE. Any time you are upset, we just sing it to you and you are immediately all smiles.
You're getting so big so quick Little Man. We just need you to slow down, just a little bit. Daddy and I love you so very much!
What happened to my teenie tiny baby?

Friday, October 3, 2014

What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up?

You ever have one of those times where you are facing decisions in
 your life and there is this huge inner turmoil in your brain?
Welcome to my brain.
So, as you know I started this whole BeachBody Coach thing. I was so excited to get it all going, worked so hard on all of my pages, and then crickets. I mean, I wasn't expecting people to knock down my door with orders, but I expected some questions.
So, I posted a little more, and people liked or commented, but still nothing.
Then, Katie asked me if this blog was donezo. Well... actually she asked me if "Crackle Creek" was donezo, but that's a whole different story, haha. And I was all, "No, but the other one is so much easier to do and I'm liking blogging again so I hope that I get back to it too.
And then I got to thinking, I don't LIKE this. I don't like posting a bunch of random shit to get people's attention (and money). I don't like putting all of my effort into another blog when I haven't even had the time to post my baby's 4 month update and he's 6 1/2 months. Why the hell am I spending all of my time on this "business" that isn't fun.
Anyone with children knows that spare time is rare. So, why am I spending it on something that I am dragging my feet on? Obviously, the extra money would be nice. And I'm enjoying doing the BeachBody programs myself. But I don't want to post a bunch of inspirational fitness quotes (while eating Halloween Oreos... not that that's what happened or anything) and do all this mumbo jumbo. Not knocking anyone who does, but those people "want" to, they "enjoy" it. I don't.
I want to make pretty things. I want to spend my free time talking about my sweet boy and painting pretty things. And doing fun, creative stuff. And I don't have time for that AND BeachBody.
So, I might be hanging up my BeachBody hat, before I really even started.
What I HAVE done though, is ordered 36 glasses to paint. And opened up an Etsy shop called "Fraggle Creations". There's nothing there, but it's a start. And I'm SOOOO excited. I mean, maybe ADD will kick in again (or life will smack me in the face) and this will be a pipe dream too. BUT, the difference is that I'm EXCITED.
So... maybe you will see some fun things to buy soon. Or see my chunky hunky little man. But you probably won't see any BeachBody stuff. Life's too short to do something your heart isn't into 100%. I mean... I'm still going to work on getting a smokin' body... and you'll probably hear about it. But, I don't think I'll be making a career out of it.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

New Beginnings

Hey Loves,
I know... I suck... I promised that I would come back and then... nothing.
In my defense, I don't know which way is up most of the time.
Some things are going down at work that might be changing things a bit. I'm not really sure what the future holds here, but it's a bit unsettling.
With that being said, I'm trying to put my focus on some side businesses to try to pad the 'ole bank account a little bit just in case. Right now we are pretty tight, so having a little bit of extra cash is NEVER bad.
I've been feeling like I got bit by the creative bug lately. I did one of those Paint and Sip nights where you go, and paint, and drink wine. It was amazing. Everyone was all done and ready to leave and I could have sat there forever.
I have plans to get an Etsy shop up and running at some point, but I need to get some "products" done first to have something to show. It's a slow process, like most things I do these days (except for drinking wine... that is NEVER rushed...priorities...)
Right now, I'm still working on losing that pesky baby weight. I mean, unless you're one of those freaks who looked amazing while pregnant, you know what I'm talking about. (I love you freaks, I do, I just... I just need to hate you a little too, until I lose the weight... and then I will hate you a little less... but always love you more). I'm all into the BeachBody world right now and LOVING every single minute of it. It's still hard to find the time/money/commitment/drive to do it, but I'm still feeling positive.
Which... is why I became a BeachBody coach! I'm just getting my feet wet in this new world and I started a whole other blog to talk about my journey. Maybe some day I might join everything together, but you all know I'm still feeling a bit private about sharing Baby J with the world. (Unless it's on Instagram and then I am blowing that shit UP!... but that's different!)
Soo... if you are interested in reading about my whole healthy lifestyle journey (for the millionth time) head on over to Fit Together with KP: Life of a Healthy Mama. If you're interested in BeachBody, give me a holler!
Hopefully, I'll be back here at some point. You know, once things stop being crazy and Baby J is off to college!
(Do know that I am still stalking all of your blogs! I may not comment all the time because I suck at that too, but I AM reading! I know everything about you!!!)

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Oh Hey There!

Oh hello... remember me?
I don't think I have honestly gone this long EVER without posting. I think that shows true to form how absolutely insane life it. Legit. Insane.
Most days, I find myself being pulled in 12,000 directions, having JUST finished dinner at 9:30 and realizing that once again, there is no time for a shower. Thank god for perfume and dry shampoo or otherwise I might be getting some side eyes!
Life with Boomie has been amazing. He is literally the coolest thing in the entire world. He's a giant, weighing in at over 20 lbs (which you would know if I did his four or five month update). He's on solid food, sitting up on his own, crawling backwards and kind of sometimes forward (although it is more of a snake slither on his belly), and he has THE most infectious laugh I have ever heard.
Life with Boomie has also been EXHAUSTING. We survived our sleep issue before. It didn't last much longer. In fact, we went on vacation and the salt air whipped him back into shape. Until a week or two ago, and then we started waking up to play. He had some trouble when he first learned to roll over back and forth, but then he chilled out. Now that he's kind of crawling, well... I've always said that there's no better time for crib gymnastics than at 2 in the morning.
Le hubby and I will be celebrating our two year wedding anniversary on the 8th. Pretty amazing. I have to say, these two years have been a rollercoaster for sure. Getting married, buying a house, moving, a pregnancy, a loss, a pregnancy, adjusting to life with a baby. I'd have to say it is a freaking miracle that we have made it. There have been some bumps and bruises. Some cuts and scrapes. Some dents and dings. But we are still going. Still trucking right along.
I have 10,000 years to catch you all up on. Our first family vacation, his four month updates, our Summer adventures, his FIVE month update. I'm so behind. I plan to get back into it, for if nothing else I want the first year of his life documented. But then again, I can't find time to shower, so that makes things difficult. I'm not gone forever. At least not yet. Just trying to keep my head above water. It's getting easier as he is getting older, but shit is still crazy.
Seriously, how do people with kids eat dinner before 9:00? Because I try like hell and I can't. Oy.
Anyway, I have still been following along with you. And commenting when I can. Maybe some day I'll be back for reals. Maybe. 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Dear Baby, Go the F*ck to Sleep (Helpful hints on Sleep Training)

It's no secret that my dear sweet baby has turned into some sort of gremlin this past week or two.

Not a fan of life.
Except for that one time he fell asleep on his own after swimming for 45 glorious minutes. And I no sooner got comfortable in my chair and did a cheers with my mom with an adult beverage then dear sweet hubby rode by on the lawnmower and woke him up...

Before all hell broke loose
My diesel sleeper is literally FIGHTING sleep. If this is any indication of how his Toddler life will be, I am certainly screwed and I should be stock piling the wine and anxiety meds ASAP.
Seriously, homeboy is STRONG and finds any way to scratch, claw, wriggle, and kick me. It's a blast.

We have a rule that he can be up as long as he's happy. Once he starts turning into Johnny Rotten, then it's time for Mom to take over and make the choice that sleeping is the right decision. He's not happy. He's miserable. That picture above? Refused to nap. Refused.
But, every time I find myself ready to jump off the ledge, I visit this website and feel better. This woman is amazing and she puts together a whole bunch of articles to help the clueless parent like me.
This post is nothing more than to share a few of my favorite articles. I know a bunch of you are Moms, new Moms, or soon to be Moms and thought maybe this could help you too.
Figured it would save you the time of googling, "why the hell won't my devil child sleep?"
Here's the main website:
And some articles I like:
And that's just what I've looked at today...

I'm sure we are going through a sleep regression. And it's only been a short amount of time. But it feels like FOREVER. Right now we are in survival mode. As much as I love him though... I will NOT be rocking him to sleep and putting him on the couch next to me until he's 17.

Although, he'd probably still be cute...

Our compromise. I held him and let him sleep on the couch next to me... and he...actually SLEPT!

Monday, July 14, 2014

Mom Gut. And No...This is Not a Post About Your Post Baby Body

It's no secret that before you have kids, you constantly talk about what you "will and won't" do when it comes to your imaginary children.
You see other Moms and their kids and think that you would never do that. Or that you like how they did something. You are constantly comparing yourself to everyone else.
This obviously continues once you have kids, but I found that you spend more time judging YOURSELF more than other people. I find myself more envious of the Mothers I think have it all together. I mean, granted, I'm not at their house during nap time when they are ripping their hair out and crying because their baby won't sleep but you KNOW they are exhausted (anyone else been there? No? Just me?)
For the first couple of weeks of Baby J's life I had no clue what I was doing, but I just went on auto-pilot and let him tell me what he wanted. Chances are he was hungry. And tired. So I fed him and he went to sleep. And when he woke up, he might be hungry again. Or not. And we just went about our days.
Gradually, I got the hang of things and we got settled into a nice little rhythm. Which, naturally was about the time that I went back to work. So take that rhythm and shove it out the window. Part of our rhythm involved a walk every morning. Which was lovely because it made him take this great long nap and made the morning go by quick. But, I can't do that when I'm working and no one else could either.
So, we set out to find a new routine. It took a week or so of me being back to work, but he was thriving and we got back on course.
Naturally, I got super cocky and decided it was time to start sleeping in the crib. I started putting him in there for naps and he was a rock star. I patted myself on the Mom back and thought I was amazing.
Except... a couple days later all hell broke loose.
He stopped sleeping through the night. Waking up for an hour and a half to two hours instead of going right back to sleep. It was torture.
Then one day, I went to put him down for a nap and he fought me. Tooth and nail. He clawed at me. Screamed. Wriggled his tiny little body as much as he could. Kicked his feet off me. No matter how many times I repositioned myself and him, he found a way to get me.
It. Was. Terrible.
And I cried every day. And he cried every day. And Alex and I were at a loss for what to do.
He fell asleep on his own, ONCE after swimming in the pool and it was magical. For 45 minutes he slept in his little bouncy chair and I had an adult beverage and sat out in the sun with my mom. And then Alex came by on the lawn mower and woke him up.
I call him the Baby Waker now by the way. Because no matter where we are. Or what we are doing. He will FIND a way to wake the baby up. Doing something completely random. Every time.
It was taking me over an hour to get him to sleep at any time. It was terrible. Terrible.
So, I did what any sane person would do.
I texted my cousin, whose daughter is 5 months older than Baby J. I told her I was in naptime hell and I didn't know what to do. I was trying to get him to sleep in his crib. And not pick him up when he fussed. And let him do his thing. And we were all miserable.
At this point, It was noon and he had only taken two 30 minute naps and if he wasn't napping he was crying. I was at my breaking point.
Thankfully, (not for her, but for me) she went through the exact same thing.
She told me that he probably just wasn't ready for the change. And that he was just coming out of the newborn sleep phase and sometimes you just have to go into survival mode.

She said that if she could go back and take back all of those times fighting with her daughter to sleep and just enjoy herself, then she would. Her daughter slept just fine on her own as soon as she was ready.

She gave me a solid piece of advice. She said every Monday she woke up with the determination that today she was going to try. And she would attempt to get her daughter to sleep on her own. Every week she would fight her. So she went back to the normal routine. Then one Monday, she went to sleep on her own and that was it.
Of course there were times where she was sick, or teething, or in a new place and it didn't work so well. But for the most part, she was ready.

So that's what I'm doing.
I sat down on the couch, calmly fed Baby J a bottle where he had eaten every single day, all cozy, up until last week. He was falling asleep eating and right as he finished his eyes were still open just a little bit. The dryer was doing something funky so I put him in his swing, turned it on, and said I would come back in a minute to finish putting him back to sleep.
And when I came back. He was asleep. And he's been asleep for two hours.
It's been beautiful. Beautiful.
Every night I've gone to sleep regretting my actions from the day. I was too stressed. I fought him too much. I was overwhelmed. He was unhappy. I was unhappy. It was terrible. The guilt I felt. He was miserable. I was miserable.
But for right now... I nailed this Mom thing. And it is those little victories that keep me going.
Sometimes you just need someone to tell you that it's OK to do what you think is best, rather than what everyone else tell you that you are "supposed" to do.
Just go with your Mom gut.
It's rarely wrong. 

Friday, July 11, 2014

Baby J: Newborn Pictures

Remember when I had a sweet tiny little baby who wasn't a bear to get to sleep?
Me neither.
Well... long ago, before we decided that we are grown and can do anything we want...(or try and then try because we can't - you are three months, you can NOT crawl sorry dude!) I had a sweet tiny little baby.
Originally, a friend of mine was going to do his newborn pictures, but life got crazy and we couldn't seem to coordinate. So, I called my wedding photographer and begged her to take his pictures ASAP because he was very quickly getting out of the whole "newborn" sleep thing.
By the time she took the pictures, I think he was about 3 weeks old and he was having nothing with sleeping during the shoot. So, unfortunately, my dreams of the sweet, sleep, bundled newborn pictures were gone. BUT, he's always been pretty alert and nosy, so it was nice to get some pictures of those gorgeous eyes and his silly facial expression.
So... without further adieu...
Newborn Baby J... (these aren't all of them, but just a few of my faves)


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Baby J: Three Month Update

Weight: About 16 lbs 10 oz (this is estimated because I did it at home)

Height: 25 1/2 inches (Again... estimated)

Health: Doing good! No problems here!

Sleep: Well... we WERE doing great! But, towards the end of the month... not so much. You have started waking up at night and being unsettled. I'm not sure if it is because you spend some time in your crib at first or if you are just going through a phase, but it is so not fun. You have been waking up for about an hour and a half to two hours every night. No bueno.

Social: You Little Man, are quite the social butterfly. You love a good party and you are never happier than when you are being doted on by everyone in the room. You've started yelling at people when they aren't paying attention to you. Then you are all smiles and giggles as soon as they look back. Silly boy!

Diet: Still only formula. I think that your world is going to be rocked once you get solid food. Soon enough Bug!

Likes: Attention. Silly faces. Blankies.

Dislikes: Nap time. Bed time. Haha. Not being able to do something that you want, like sitting up on your own or crawling. You get mad.


Monday, July 7, 2014

Shit God Damn

We are off on vacation for the week. Wish us luck. I love me some Martha's Vineyard, but I've never experienced it with a baby. A baby who is on a sleep strike and likes to whine all day... oh man... is it too early to start drinking?!

We all know this whole Baby/Mama thing ain't no joke. It's hard work. REALLY hard work.
You're expected to do EVERYTHING you did before, but now, you have to heal from the crap your body went through AND take care of this tiny human who you are pretty sure is partially bipolar. Or maybe part alien.

This whole working Mom thing though?

Shit. God. Damn.

I thought we were doing pretty well, but it turns out that our sweet little cherub is going through a bit of a sleep regression. Or he might be teething. It's quite possible that he needs an exorcism. Who knows.

If this is a sleep regression, then I call bullshit because he has NEVER slept this bad. Seriously.

Sleep? Who me? Nah.
He woke up maybe once or twice a night, but he always went right back to sleep while he was eating. I would hold him a little before putting him back down to let the food settle (sometimes he would sound like he was choking a little when he would lie down after eating, but he would grow out of it), maybe a few minutes. That's it.

The week I went back to work, so umm... 6 weeks ago, he started sleeping through the night. We maybe had two or three nights he had some trouble sleeping, but he slept. Sometimes he was up for the day at like 5:45, but for the most part he slept from 7-8:00 PM to about 6:00. It was beautiful.


Shit. God. Damn.

He wakes up, somewhere between 2:00 and 4:00 AM and he's up from anywhere between an hour to two hours. Well... "up". He's sleeping as long as I hold him. The second I put him down too soon though, it's over. Not to mention, I have to work to put him back to sleep in the first place like it's bed time all over again. He's fully awake, chatting, life is grand.

But it isn't. I'm dying over here. I can't even nap like I could while I was on maternity leave.

So this working Mom this is for the birds. Seriously. We need to win the lottery stat. Because I can not handle this. Anymore.

Supposedly, they can last anywhere from 2-6 weeks. And he can have this a whole bunch of times in the next 2ish years.

Ugh. I want my sweet sleeping baby back.
Rare moment, but sweet indeed.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Growing Up and Growing Apart

I'm going to take a little break from gushing about my Little Man, to get a little personal here.
I feel like, in the past 2 years, I've gone through a kind of transition in the friend department. It seems like as you get older and start going through big life events like engagements, weddings, buying a house, having a baby, etc. it really starts to show you who your true friends are.
It kind of sucks because who knows how long you have been friends with someone before all of this shit hits the fan. I mean, I feel like there should be some kind of friend boot camp. You get 6 months to see how you like each other, and then you can either enter boot camp or part ways. The boot camp will show you just exactly HOW a friend will act when things start to get hard. I don't know about you, but I don't really care who is there for all the good, happy, fun times. What really matters to me is who is going to be standing next to me when the dust settles. That's what counts.
I'd like to consider myself a ride or die kind of friend. I know I'm pretty gangster, but in all seriousness that's how I feel. I will go above and beyond for you if we are close. I will trust you completely from the start. Chances are I'll even give you a couple opportunities to screw up and STILL give you the benefit of the doubt.
I'll tell you when I'm pissed not because I'm an asshole, but because it is worth it to me to work on our relationship rather than stew and resent. If you really upset me and we can't get through to each other, then I'll usually take a step back. I'd rather work through things myself and come back when I'm ready than continue to fight or struggle.
You may think I'm abandoning you, or leaving you high and dry, but the truth is that I don't want to damage our friendship any further than it already has been and I'm trying to get through whatever bothers me myself. Because sometimes, maybe it IS me. Maybe I'm being unrealistic. Maybe I'm being jealous, or petty, or just silly. Maybe some other shit is going on and you just so happened to be in the wrong place at the right time.
I like to methodically think real hard before I take a step. I don't like to make mistakes. I HATE to apologize. And I will perseverate on my regrets for the rest of my life. So, I try not to put myself in those situations.
My problem starts when I feel like I am backed into a corner. When I feel like I have discussed something at length, multiple times, multiple ways, 'til I'm blue in the face, thinking that we have everything settled...and then the person just goes and does whatever the fuck they wanted anyway. I feel like I wasted my time, and there's nothing that pisses me off more than when someone wastes my time.
Another way to lose me for good? Continue to push me. If I ask for space. Give it to me. I'll come back when I'm ready. I promise. BUT... if you continue to push me, then I'm going to walk away. I don't want to snap. I don't want to do or say anything that I might regret (although, GOD it would feel good to just be able to unleash sometimes, oh the things I would say. I would like to think that I have thought about it all enough that I would be very matter of fact about it, but honest. However, regardless of how honest it is, I know it would still hurt people, so I keep my mouth shut...for now...) If I am no longer able to handle a situation constructively, I'm out. It's just how I am.
You can call me a bitch. Or an asshole. Or a see you next Tuesday (make sure to do this one on Facebook, like a little 15 year old girl). Maybe you think I'm a bad friend. Or I abandoned you. Or you think that I used you and just threw you away when it was no longer convenient for you. Go for it. Do your worst. But think of this... chances are... if I walked away from you, you pushed me to it.
You see, I'm pretty much an emotional cutter. I hang onto things LONG after they have gone from healthy to toxic to borderline abuse. I always want to work things out. I'll always try everything I can possibly think of. I hate to fail. I'm a bleeding heart. I want to believe that EVERYTHING can have a happy ending. However, at some point, I need to stop hurting myself and letting YOU hurt me and be done with it.
There was a whole bunch of bullshit that surrounded our wedding. I didn't talk about it a lot because I was hopeful that everything would work itself out, but here we are almost 2 years later and I don't talk to either one of my maid of honors. It was like a curse. Don't be the maid of honor in my wedding. Chances are we won't be friends anymore.
I just felt like for once in my life, I needed people to have MY back and I found myself standing alone a lot. It was disheartening to say the least. I felt like people couldn't get past their own shit and I found that I was explaining myself for what I was doing for MY wedding too much. I hate explaining myself. I don't feel like I should have to. To anyone. I think that I make a conscious enough effort to look at what I am doing and how it would have an impact on anyone else. So, no... I don't have to explain myself to you.
For awhile I wondered if I was the problem. All of a sudden there were all of these issues with all of these people and I was the common denominator. And it was true. I was. I was the problem, but only because I changed. I stopped letting people do whatever they wanted. I spoke up for myself. I called people out on the bullshit. And when the dust settled, I found myself with a few less friends.
So be it.
I'm not happy about it. It sucks that it all had to be this way. But I'm finding myself being better off. People don't change. The same bullshit is STILL going on, just now with other people. And I'm just standing back watching the mess. It's just a shame that it has to be this way.
It didn't need to end like this.
But, I guess that is just how things were meant to work out. You get older, people start drifting apart. Such is life. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck. Just means we are all growing up.
I guess I don't really know where I was planning on going with this post. Just that I'm sick of fighting with people. I'm sick of the drama. I'm just all done with it. So I'm not going to do it anymore. Or, at least I'm going to try not to. Sometimes I think I'm being unfair by just giving up so easily now, but honestly, I'm just over it. I'm over the fighting, the backstabbing, the shit talking, the uncomfortable social situations. I'm over it. And if at the end of the day, it's just me, my husband, my baby, and my dog, then whatever. I'm cool with that. At least I know that at the end of the day, they have my best interest at heart.
Except for the baby...he would sleep more if he had my best interest at heart.
And the dog would stop trying to trip me at the top of the stairs.
On second thought... I'm moving to Aruba by myself and I'll catch you all later. 

Monday, June 30, 2014

Bipolar Babies and Other Musings of a Sleep Deprived Mom

Dude... this Mom shit is hard.
I'm not even going to sugar coat this. It's exhausting. Worth it. Oh God is it worth it. BUT... exhausting as hell.
Alex and I try to switch off on sleeping in on Sundays. I got to wake up with him every night for the first 10 weeks and now every blue moon on a Sunday if I schedule it three weeks in advance I get to sleep in...
Joking... sort of.
I'm my own worst enemy because I need to close the door and turn the fan way up because if I hear so much as a squeak, I'm up and I want to know what's wrong. It's terrible. Then the dog gets pissed he locked out of the bedroom and bangs his body against it. And...yeah... relaxing.
So, yesterday (Sunday) I get to "sleep in". It was a rocky sleep in, but I felt a little more human afterward and had a new leash on life. Never one to let me get too cocky. Baby J woke his sweet bum up at 4:00 AM this morning.
The freaking birds weren't even awake yet. It. Was. Terrible.
He was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Until of course he lost his shit. I finally got him back to sleep around the time that I got about two seconds of sleep before I had to get up to work. Thankfully, I was working from home today because I managed to muster up enough energy to throw on a bra and change my underwear. I remembered deodorant around noon. #keepingitreal 
Of course, like any time he wakes up super early, we try to play catch up the rest of the day. He's normally good for about hour long naps, but if I can get him to take a two hour one, I can get him back. Sometimes. I thought I was golden today, but this is how I spent my day...
Home boy is lucky he is cute or else I would be looking into the return policy on babies. Trade him in for a model that isn't so cranky.
I kid.
Kind of.
It was a long day to say the least and he went to bed super early. Which will probably screw me for tomorrow as well, but seriously he couldn't fathom being apart of the conscious world anymore. I had the audacity to use soap on him in the bath and that was the end of his line. #hotmessexpress
We recently transitioned him to his crib for naps, but that was DAYS ago. And he's done just fine with it. Today? Not so much. Ahh the joys of being a Mom.

Oh... and on a completely unrelated note... kind of... can we focus for a second on the difference a couple months can make?
My little tiny eenie weenie baby and my big 3 month old boy!
 Editors Note: I was up and down the stairs no less than 15 times after putting him to bed, to put him BACK to sleep. He decided that 10:30 PM was a grand old time to wake up, just as we were going to bed. After a bottle and some begging, he went back to sleep, but not without a fight. We lather, rinsed and repeated this fun little game from 3:00 - 4:30 AM. It was a blast. Thank you my sweet boy for the 5 hours of shotty sleep last night. Smooches.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Mess With the Bull and You're Going to Get the Horns

Here's the deal folks. I consider myself to be a feisty little seniorita. I don't know if it is the Irish blood pumping through my veins, or if it is because I was raised to speak my mind. (Maybe a little of column A, a little of column B) But that's the way that it is.
I've learned over the years that there are sometimes when I need to bite my tongue. That it isn't worth it to fight every single battle that comes at me. That some people aren't worth the effort. It's a learning process. And I do try and reevaluate often to make sure that I'm going down the right path.
As a known hot head, who used to have a passion for spouting off my big mouth, I've learned long ago that I need to think before I speak. I run off of adrenaline and my first reaction is to respond. Immediately. (Actually, my first reaction is to tell the person to go fuck themselves, which isn't really constructive.) But, I can't. I know I will say something that I regret. So, I often take a beat and consult someone (usually my mom or N, sometimes both) to see if my level of crazy is justified.
I explain the situation as unbiased as possible, trying to state the plain facts and then to describe how I feel. I then give them free range to tell me I'm a blithering idiot or a whacked out psycho. I may not always like what they say, but I NEVER respond until we have come to an agreement on what should be done about it. Sometimes I need an outside party to help me remain grounded.
Usually, they fully agree with what I feel and we come up with a way to attack the problem together. I usually run things by them before I send them, keeping them informed during conversations. If I'm sending an email or a text, I send it to them first for approval. We edit, delete, substitute, until it is as perfect as can be. I truly, TRULY try to handle everything as rational as possible. I have no time in my life to start wars over ridiculous bullshit, but I also have no time to let people walk all over me. Chances are if I sit on it for awhile and it is still bothering me, then I HAVE to say something. I have to. If I can't brush it off, I refuse to sit and stew over it.
Every so often though, you get a situation or a person who just rubs you the wrong way. And continues to do so. Repeatedly. For years.
I'm currently in a battle over posting pictures of Baby J on the internet. It's no secret that I took this page private shortly after he was born and before I started posting more about him. Chances are, if you are reading this right now, it is because I trust you with my personal information and pictures of my family. (And there's a small enough group that I could hunt you down with the quickness if you try and steal my shit) The only post about him that wasn't private, was the one announcing his birth. And seeing as how he looks nothing like that now, I'm cool with that. From the beginning, I was nervous about posting pictures. A fellow blogger experienced some heinous human being stealing her pictures and creating fake Facebook pages and such, not once but twice. I can't even imagine the violation that she feels. I know that I never want to feel that way.
From the beginning, I requested that the amount of pictures posted of him be limited. I said one or two every so often, but please ask my permission first, and tag me in them. This way I have a heads up about the whole thing. Unfortunately, some people couldn't respect that and time after time I was scrolling through my newsfeed and would see a random picture of my son that was taken and posted without my knowledge. Or I would get a text from someone telling me they liked the picture. Each time it was up for a considerable amount of time before I was aware of it and countless strangers had seen it, liked it, and/or commented on it.
That bothered me. There was just something about scrolling through your newsfeed and seeing pictures of your infant son taken without your permission or knowledge and posted for god knows who to see. It made me extremely uncomfortable. Especially since I posted maybe one or two pictures, max, of him on Facebook, but they were all over the place.
Instagram, and I may be naive for thinking this, seems a little less scary. I remember when I was younger, you would add everyone you JUST met on Facebook. And then you would have hundreds of people, most of them complete strangers, who could see all sorts of personal information. I spent a lot of time going through my friends list when I was pregnant, but I have no clue who is on someone else's list. It could be anyone. On Instagram, I have a selected group of people that I have allowed on there. I post pictures of Baby J almost daily, but I know and trust every single person that follows me on there.
Once again... I have no idea who is following someone else.
I tried, numerous times to compromise and nothing I had requested was being respected. So, unfortunately, I had to tell everyone that they weren't allowed to post any pictures of him on the internet. Everyone was pretty upset about it, but most of them respected it. Except, one person. I have been having this issue repeatedly with her. She thinks that she has a right to post whatever she wants of him.
I tried to explain that as his mother, the final say goes to me. I get to pick and choose every single thing that has to do with him. Whether people like it or not. That's what I get for growing him inside my body for 9 (million) months and giving birth to him. Alex, also has rights to Baby J as he makes up half of his DNA. Everyone else, while family or close, does not. And this is a precedent that I am going to make sure is quite clear.
While I love a good battle, I usually end up dropping shit pretty quickly if it seems to be spinning out of control. I try to get my point across, but sometimes people don't understand it and I can't make them and it isn't worth continuing on. I, however, refuse to submit to this one. I am well aware that this has gone WAY past the posting of a silly picture. I don't fucking care about the pictures. I wouldn't have cared about the pictures. All I wanted was for my rights as a parent, as a Mother, to be respected. I will NOT spend the next 18 years having this battle. So I'm fighting it now. Tooth and Nail.
I have dug my heels in so deep into the ground that there's NO way that I'm moving.
And it's sad really, that things have to be like this. I wish my mother could post the occasional picture to show off her grandson to her family and friends. I wish my brother could show off his nephew because it is so incredibly cute how much they love each other and who knew he was into babies at all. I wish I could post the occasional picture on Facebook for the family that isn't on Instagram. But, unfortunately, this apparently has to be an all or nothing sort of thing. And even more unfortunately, it's nothing.
I know some of this may seem petty. I know people might not understand it. And that's fine. I don't need you to get my crazy. I just need my main point to be clear. No one, and I mean NO ONE other than Alex or I has the right to decide something for Baby J without our permission. And YES, you need permission. No one, and I mean NO ONE other than Alex or I has the right to go against something that we have discussed and decided for our son. I don't care what it is.
If we decide that he is Vegan, don't give him meat. If we decide to raise my child without ever giving him sugar, that's our prerogative. If we decide that we're going to shave his head, dye his eyebrows blue, and start calling him Yamalamadingdong, unfortunately for you (and him...) you have to go along with it.
You don't have to agree with us, but you have to respect it.
And that's what this all comes down to. Respect.
Who knows how long or far this battle will go. It's already gone on too long and I am way ready to move past it (like I thought we had, thirty thousand talks ago...) but I can't. There's no compromise with this anymore and I won't settle until this precedent is set.
Call me crazy, but I think it is up for the parents to decide what is best for the child. Not everyone else.
So that's where we are in life. Mess with me and chances are I will be too exhausted to fight you or even keep it up for long. I'd much rather just stop talking to you than to try and change your ways to fit mine. Sometimes people just don't agree. And that's fine. That's your right to have your opinion and it is my right to disagree with it. I get that.
However, if you mess with my kid? Then it's on.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Ramblings of a Mama to her Son

As I sit watching you eat, noticing your tiny perfect face, taking in every inch of your features, I'm amazed at how far we have come. The blanket on the foot stool reminds me of those early days. When you were so tiny. tiny as you ever were. I remember sitting in that rocking chair. The house cold, dark, and quiet. Still so unsure of myself. My abilities.  Running through the night on autopilot. Diaper, bottle, sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat.  Those days are such a blur, but I'm so glad I took those moments to stop and take everything in when you were eating. Those night time feedings were exhausting,  constantly wiping the sleep from my eyes, struggling to stay awake. Spending most of my time with various itches as not to disturb you while sleeping. But... they gave me moments to pause. I always used this time to reflect. To notice how you have grown. To remember the days when you fit snugly inside my arms. To soak up every second of you being my baby. My son. My first born.
I can't help but think of how far we have come in such a short time. Those first few weeks were tough ones. We were learning to figure out your signs and cues. Attempting to be one step ahead of your needs. It didn't really go so well for awhile, but we eventually started to learn your little quirks. Like when you hold your hands together and rub them on your mouth, you're hungry (Although you're starting to grow out of that and it's slowly breaking your Mommy's heart. It was the first thing I noticed about you when you were born and I want to hold onto that moment forever). How if you are squiggling all over the place whole you are eating a bottle, then you need a nice burp (Another thing you are slowly growing out of). You have started to rub your eyes when you get sleepy. Which is a fun little tip for us because you start doing it WELL before you have reached your breaking point.
The days of an overtired, hungry baby are fewer and far between. We have settled into a nice little routine and while we deviate from it slightly, we try to keep to it as much as possible. We have seen your wrath and we do not want to see it often. You turn into quite the Tasmanian Devil. I remember those days of a sweet, tiny sleepy baby. You may have cried, but you didn't have the strength to attempt to throw yourself out of our arms yet. We can tell that you are going to be a fiercely independent little boy and while I know it will make my job as your mom a little harder, I know that you will be a force to be reckoned with and this world won't take you down.
You take everything you see in. You stare quietly, focusing on each and every little thing around you. A bird flying by. A car passing. The grass. The leaves. The sun. It amazes me to watch you take the whole world in. You rarely make a peep when you are outside, unless actively engaged by someone. It's a time for learning and reflection for you. You have your Daddy's strength and determination (which comes from Mommy a bit too!) but you also have my thoughtful perspective too. Your Daddy and I hope that you are a Renaissance man of sorts. Good with your hands, but with a thirst for knowledge (and knowing how to cook, clean, and go laundry. Your future wife will thank me!)
Every day you amaze us. Every single day. You are growing so fast and you're such a smart little boy. You are picking things up at lightning speed and we feel like if we blink too long we are going to miss something. It's starting to get a little harder to go to work, for both of us. We are just enjoying our time with you so much that we just hate those long days in between that keep us apart.
Each and every day I am just so proud to be your Mom. Even when you wake up at 4:45 in the morning and refuse to go back to sleep. You're all smiles. Chatting away. Like you have the biggest world secrets to tell me and sleep can wait. Eventually, you fall back asleep right about when I'm supposed to go to work, but I still can't help but smile at your sweet sleeping face.
We used to imagine what you would look like and how you would be after you were born. We spent so many nights wondering. It was so weird to us to love someone so much without ever knowing what they would look like. And now we wonder how you will be when you are older. What your voice will sound like. What you will be into. It's just so amazing to think of all the possibilities for you in the future. You truly are an amazing little boy, and the best thing we have ever done without lives.
We can't even imagine a life without you. You just fit into our hearts so completely right from the very beginning. Even now, it feels like a lifetime ago from when we first brought you home from the hospital, when in reality it has only been 12 weeks.
We love you little man and your daddy and I can't wait to watch you grow!

Monday, June 23, 2014

Baby J: Two Month Update

I figured in honor of Baby J turning 3 months yesterday, I would finally post his 2 month update. I'm ALMOST up to date on all of the posts I've written!

Two months! How did we get here so fast?!

13.7 oz! Your Daddy and I had bets on how much you would weigh but we both guess in the low 12 lb area. Apparently we were WAY off!

23.75 inches. Almost two feet!

Fit as a fiddle. You had a great check-up at the doctor and got 2 shots and one oral vaccine. (Technically you were 2 months and one day, but it was your 2 month visit so we are counting it)You weren't a huge fan of the shots, but you loved the one you could eat. But then again... you haven't met anything you can eat that you haven't liked. Which is pretty evident by your weight gain!

You are doing pretty well. You usually only wake up once a night, maybe twice. Then you are up for about an hour or so around 7:00 and then go back to sleep. We switched you from the newborn napper to the bassinet part of your Pack 'n Play because you were getting too long for it. You weren't a huge fan. We tried rolling up blankets, elevating the Pack 'n Play, etc. and you were still all over the place. We finally broke down and bought you a Rock 'n Play and it was like angels singing. You LOVE it!

All smiles. You love the attention and you give everyone the biggest grin when they talk with you or make faces. You have become a lot more interactive. You don't want to just sit around, you want to be talked to and engaged. We are in deep trouble.

We switched to exclusively formula at a bout 6 1/2 weeks. It was a good run, but you are eating so much I just couldn't keep up with you.

We call you Linus sometimes because of how much you love to just hold onto a blankie. You have learned how to pull your arms up so that you can rub it on your face, which makes you laugh.  You love it when we stick our tongue out at you and even try to copy us sometimes.
That Mom went back to work this month. It was a hard couple days (and we are still adjusting) but we are making it through. It does mean you get to spend extra time with Grammy and Daddy, so it isn't all bad!

We feel like you do something different every single day!



Friday, June 20, 2014

When the Honeymoon is Over...AGAIN...

So you know how relationships have that "honeymoon" period? You go through it a thousand times. You meet and everything is great and then shit gets real. Then you move in together and everything is great and then shit gets real. And then you get engaged and married and the same thing. (Although this time is actually is your honeymoon period) Well, it's the same thing when you have a baby.
You spend nine months wishing, wondering, waiting, imagining what life will be like. Make plans, get prepped, and then when that baby arrives you are just on cloud nine. The world is perfect.
You love your baby and your husband is the most amazing man on the planet because he helped made aforementioned baby. You bask in the glow of the newness, the tiny toes, you talk about how amazing the baby is.
And then somewhere along the lines you have to start talking about other things again. The mortgage, bills, things that need to be done around the house, etc. etc.
If you're lucky like me, your husband will have been able to take some time off work when the baby is born. Alex got a week. It wasn't much, but it was better than a lot of men get. It was nice to have him around that first week, but it also kind of sucked a little. He kept looking to me for direction, but I had no clue what I was doing so I couldn't give him much.
I ended up doing a lot of it myself. And then when he went back to work, I did all of it by myself. He helped when he could, but Baby J was so small and I was still trying to breastfeed which wasn't working so then I was bottle feeding, and I was all over the place with what I wanted to do. By this time, Alex had gone back to his regular life. I mean, obviously things were different for him, but not much changed.
For me, I was still dealing with all of the changes with my body, recovering, the sleep deprivation, taking care of a baby 24/7, and still somehow attempting to be a valued member of society.
I don't talk about the negative aspects of Alex and I's relationship on this blog. I never have and I don't really plan to, but I think that this topic is one that could somehow help someone a little. I know a lot of you have new babies or are having babies and I just want to give you as much of a heads up to all of the things that threw me for a loop that no one mentioned.
I mean, I told you about our hellish first night home from the hospital when I wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into...
Life with a baby wasn't easy to transition to for Alex and I. Our relationship hasn't always been roses and butterflies, like every normal relationship, but we have always had a very easy way of being close. It's something that I've always been proud of. We have a very close relationship and I can honestly say the absolutely IS my best friend. We have a lot of fun together and I know that I can count on him for anything.
But with the baby... we struggled. I mean, we were both over the moon to be parents, but we had a hard time with our relationship. Mainly, I resented him a lot because I felt like my entire world was rocked and he got to just skip about life as usual taking advantage of all of the great parts of having a baby and none of the hard parts.
Part of my issue was that I didn't ask for help. And then when I finally did, he had no idea what he was doing, so I would just do it myself. Then I would get annoyed. I spent a lot of my time being annoyed. I felt like he was purposefully making my life a thousand times harder than it needed to be.
It wasn't fair.
But that wasn't it. It wasn't it at all. We were just on two separate pages. Maybe even different books. And it took a long time for us to realize it.
We finally had a big, long (hard cider fueled) talk at dinner one night. We were out on our own, which is rare, and I pretty much just verbal vomited everything that I was feeling. Not in an accusatory way, not in a nagging way, not in an aggressive way. I just told him how miserable I was and where I was coming from. And for the first time in a long time we REALLY talked. We talked about us, and how it was, and how it is, and how we want it to be.

It was really...cleansing. I normally hate when people talk like that, but I felt like I had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt like he finally understood where I was coming from. I felt heard. And for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel so alone.

I wish we had the talk a lot sooner, but I'm not sure if either one of us could have found the words that we needed then. And who knows if we would have received them as well as we did. The important part is that we are still talking. We are still trying. Even though it is a little bit of extra work to stay close right now, it's worth it. We definitely don't want to find ourselves 18 years down the road, grown kids, and having nothing left.

I think it is really easy to get caught up in 100% all things baby. Especially in the beginning. Add going back to work to that and it made things a million times harder. But we are working on it. We try to spend more quality time together. We try to get out for a date about once a month. We haven't really done anything else yet, but he's still little. There's more time for that later. He IS our main priority, but we have to remember that he isn't our ONLY priority.

Just a little story I wanted to share for someone who felt like they were the only one's in the world who weren't seeing the world through rose colored glasses right after having a baby. Trust me, I love my husband so much more than before we had Baby J, but it's been a whole lot harder to connect with him. It's work. It's hard. But, you know what, usually, the hard things are SO worth it.