Friday, January 24, 2014

Grocery Shopping Etiquette

Has anyone ever noticed that people at grocery stores are all fucking assholes?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

I mean, people at most stores are assholes, but it seems like you have to be a special kind of idiot to go grocery shopping. Well... for the most part. Not me. And maybe not you...

Maybe it is just my grocery stores.

I go into the grocery store with the mindset of a fucking NINJA! Get in, get out, with as little human interaction as possible. I'm not there to chat, I'm not there to make friends, I'm there to stock my cabinets and fondle produce.

I used to try to go shopping with a friend, but it never worked out well. I don't like having to wait for anyone. I don't want to go down aisles that I don't need to. And I don't want to wait in line for someone.

I can go with my mom, but that's only because she lets me boss her around. Most of the time.

My poor mom.

Anywho... I thought it would be helpful to chat about some important parts of grocery store etiquette. I thought I had written this post before, but I can't find it. So, if I didn't here it is. And if I did...well here it is again.

1. Be Aware of Your Surroundings

I am the size of a Mammoth. A fucking MAMMOTH. I am currently 1 1/4 human. There is NO WAY that you can't see my and my massive beer gut. You don't walk into anything else. Just me. Knock it off.

2. Know that You are Not the Only Person in the Store

This could probably go under "Be Aware of Your Surroundings" but I wanted to stress this point seperately. This is not "Douchebag's Super Market". It's Stop & Shop. Your name ain't on the sign. You don't own this place. So, at any given time, there could be other people in the store. *Gasp* I know. Which means that when you put your cart in the middle of a fucking aisle and then stand in the open space next to it, no one can get by. I've been working on astral projection, but have yet to perfect it in my pregnant state. I'm worried my baby will be put all back together weird, like a messed up Mr. Potato Head. So, I need you to move when I'm coming down the aisle. As much as I'm sure that you're pretty exciting, I didn't come here to watch you shop. So move Bitch, get out the way...

3. Regulate Your Children

I know I'm going to catch a whole bunch of shit for this one, but one of my biggest pet peeves is children out at stores, retaurants, etc. acting a fool. I was never allowed to, in working with children for over 10 years THEY were never allowed it. It wasn't tolerated. Therefore, when I'm rushing through the grocery store and I can't get by your kid who is swinging from the shelves, throwing shit all around, or acting like a damn hyena in the middle of the aisle while you are blissfully unaware while pondering which econo size of mayo to buy? I get annoyed. Regulate your child. I've been pulled out of a grocery store before. I've pulled children out of a grocery store before. Now it's your turn.

4. Check Yourself Before you Wreck Yourself

Here's the thing. Most of the time if something goes down I will let it slide. A quick smile and an "I'm sorry" and I got from "I'll cut a bitch" to "Oh no worries". Seriously people, I'm THAT easy (just ask my husband, heh) However, if I continously run into problems with you, then I'm going to get pissed. I'm probably not going to do anything about it, but you better hope you don't drop a $20 or something because I will most def be picking it up. Also, a kind "excuse me" goes a long way. I once had a woman purposefully walk into me with her cart, not saying a word, because she wanted to be where I was. She could have gone around me, but no, she wanted my exact spot. Not a word. Just smashed into me and looked at me. Umm... sorry your highness, but I'm not done getting what I want here. I'm not moving so you can get what you want. Dick. 

5. Don't be a Dick

Even in my not so large days, there was no way in hell that I could fit next to my cart in the register aisle. No one can except maybe one of those paper thin runway models. Which means, I have to unload all my items onto the belt, then move my cart back, shimmy around it, and push it down to the end for the bags. Being so close that you could dry hump my shopping cart doesn't work for me. Especially since the asshole behind you is probably nose deep in your butt too so now we ALL have to move and I feel like a Moose. Also, pushing your cart up so far that I can't reach the credit card machine is a Dick move too. I will "accidentally" bump into your cart and giggle to myself when it hits you in the stomach. 

These aren't hard things to remember. Honestly. If you are a decent human being then these things should be second nature to you. It just takes a few extra seconds to be a kind friend in the grocery store and it really does go a long way. A simple "excuse me" or "I'm sorry" could really make the difference between me "accidentally" smashing my shopping cart into the side of your car or not. (Whoops! I'm just so damn clumsy these days)

3 comments:

  1. I think my comment got eaten, which only happens on your blog (haha). I go to the Roche Bros near me which tends to stay pretty civil. My biggest pet peeve is when some dope with a basket is standing in the middle of the aisle derpfacing the products and then makes no attempt to move when someone with a cart is coming through.

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  2. AMEN!!!!!!! Oh my gosh I feel like this every weekend when I go grocery shopping. And I go by myself now because taking the Husband just takes too long and I can't handle how slow he is, haha!

    But I agree! People are so rude! And standing in the middle of the aisle is the thing that annoys the shit out of me! Move your ass people! You do not own this aisle. Gah!!

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  3. haha I never thought I'd read a post like this but I gotta say, I love it! I hate grocery shopping more than anything! I hate how everyone just takes their time and doesn't move out of the way for you when they are clearly blocking the entire aisle! It angers me!

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