Thursday, January 30, 2014

Why I Have No Plans for My Baby

Recently, I've been getting into a lot of conversation of what my "plans" are for various things involving the baby.

Are you hoping for a natural birth?

Will you be breastfeeding?

Will you be nursing?

Where will he be sleeping?

Who will be bringing him to daycare?

Etc. Etc. Etc.

There's a whole lot of planning that goes into having a baby. From the beginning (making, said baby) to the middle (growing, said baby), to the end (having, said baby), and beyond (raising, said baby).

I've been asked about classes that I will be taking, or research I've done, books I've read.

And you know what my answer is?

The short answer: I don't know.

The long answer: I am not hoping for a natural birth at all, in fact if I could get the epidural NOW, I would. But, I will do whatever I need to do. Whether that be natural, vaginal, c-section, upside down, left and right. I'm hoping to get some sweet, sweet drugs, but I know shit happens. I'm going to try breastfeeding, but if it isn't working for us then I have no problem with formula. Babe will be sleeping in our room in a pack 'n play until I am comfortable enough with him going into his own bed, which hopefully, will not be long. No clue about daycare. I can't even tell you for sure when he will be there. I am not taking any classes (other than a quick maternity tour and a CPR class). I have done almost no research (sometimes I'll click on a link of an email to find more information about something). I have read no books. 

I have no plans. None.

Honestly, I'm quite familiar with the type of person I am. We have been homies for 28 years, so I think that I know myself a little bit. I know that I'm a control freak, that I like to have a plan, and that I do NOT do well at all when the plan doesn't go accordingly. If I have learned anything from my first pregnancy, it's that I have absolutely no control over this.

I mean, granted, there's things I CAN do. Eat right, stay away from bad things, be healthy, go to the doctor, etc. But outside of that, I have no control. I can't control how this baby grows or moves, or whether he was a he or a she, or when he is coming out. Or how. I have no control. So, making a plan, in a situation with absolutely NO control seems silly. For me.

I've heard of SO many women who are so disappointed because their pregnancy or delivery or breastfeeding or child rearing doesn't work out how they "planned". They only wanted to gain X pounds but now they resemble a small Mammoth. They wanted a natural delivery, but they need a c-section. They wanted to breastfeed but their milk never came in. They wanted to raise their child to be a valued member of society, but he chooses to run around on the ceiling at restaurants and light small fires in your house.

Honestly, shit happens and you can't control it.

So, for once. I'm not.

Whatever happens, happens. Personally, I have checked the box that says, "please give me the epidural as soon as physically possible" but there's a chance that someone could be wrong and I can't have it, or it's too late. And I'll deal with that then (by cursing out my husband, berating the hospital staff, and making everyone promise to buy me copious amounts of presents).

As long as my baby boy gets here safe and sound (and hopefully NOT late) I'm all good.

We'll see how he gets here.

We will see how breastfeeding goes. Maybe my milk won't come in. Maybe it will be a baller supply. Maybe he will hate it. Maybe I will. Maybe I will decide that relaxing with a glass of worry-free wine is more important than the whole breast vs. formula debate.

Maybe he will spend a couple nights in our room and then go into his. Maybe it will take a couple weeks or months. I DO know that the plan is to make sure that he is sleeping in his room on his own by 6 months, so at some point my sweet little baby is getting kicked the fuck out of Mom and Dad's room and going into his beautifully decorated nursery. But maybe it will be harder or easier than I imagine.

We'll give him solids when he's ready. And ween him off breast milk or formula when ready. And potty train him when he's ready (or when I'm ready).

And if yelling at him gets through to him, I'm going to yell. And if talking calmly and rationally works for him, then I'll do that. If threatening him with Krampus all year round works, then you best believe that we will be stealing some tricks from the Germans.

I'm going to lie to him and tell him that Santa's real and when his little boy innocence goes away, I'll explain to  him why. I'll tell him that some things (like Mommy's juice, and Daddy's bad words) are just for adults. And not give into his every whim.

And sometimes I will let him stay up late, or snuggle in our bed for a little bit if he is scared, or take him out of school because Mom needed some QT with him and we will head off to the movies.

I'm going to do everything wrong. And everything right. And I'm going to make that decision when the situation arises.

And you know what, everything will be OK.

And if my kid ends up some terrible human being then it won't be because his parents didn't love him, or that he had a horrible childhood, it will be because sometimes no matter how much you do right, people still do their own thing. That's the wonderful (and terrible) thing about free will.

And then I will smack him upside the head, remind him of Krampus, and tell him that even at 30 years old his mother can still kick his ass.

That's it. There are no plans for this little one. It will be what it will be.

But, I do know one thing...

It's going to be one hell of a ride.


  1. I think you have an awesome attitude about it. I mean, women used to give birth on a dirt floor with another woman who maybe delivered another baby in their lifetime using alcohol to sterilize. We can adapt, we can plan, but most people's plans go pear shaped. There was one blogger who I wanted to punch in the face because all she could talk about was how she didn't get her precious VBAC with her second kid. Like, really?! THAT'S what's important? Just be happy you have a baby to begin with that is healthy.

    Bottom line, I am on your side. You got this.

  2. I love your attitude, I can't help but laugh when women post super detailed birth plans, I just think "yeah good luck with that" It almost never goes how you plan. I was like you, the only thing I really knew was that I wanted an epidural I didn't really care about vaginal vs. Csection, though I admit I cried when the doc told me after hours of labor I was getting a Csection. The only thing I will insist on if I have another (which would mostly likely be a repeat CS) is that this time I actually want to be conscious for it. If I have to miss the birth of another child I might have to punch a few people. Beyond that I'm cool with whatever.

  3. This is awesome!! I'm right there with you on the pregnancy part. I haven't got to the part of thinking about daycare or where my baby will sleep. As far as making a plan for how my baby will arrive that is something I have no desire to do. I also don't plan on taking many if any classes at all. Unless someone can really convince me to take a certain class I'm not interested. I have the same mind set that you just explained with this pregnancy.

  4. Love this post! You are absolutely right! And I love how you are approaching parenthood. Good for you!!

  5. totally rocked this post. Love IT. Love your attitude and philosophy and you are so right. Just roll with the punches and it will def. be one hell of an awesome ride, can't wait for you!

  6. this is the kind of mom i want to be!! someday--you know, when i'm married and kind of ready!

    i love your attitude. it's perfect.

  7. Ok, I am not a commenter but I felt the urge with this one. I am a planner in life. Like, crazy ass planner. With Hudson? Nada. And it was great. Birth plan? Just get him out, how is that for a plan? News flash, it never goes as expected. I swear my lax attitude about the whole thing made it so much easier!! Seriously. I was so anti-planning I had no idea I was in labor for 2 DAYS. Water broke and I had a baby 2 hrs later. It was as magical as a birth can be and I swear it's because I was "whatever" about it. Try it, it works.


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