Monday, March 17, 2014

Emotions...They're Sneaky Little Things

It's funny how things creep up on you.
 
One minute you think that everything is fine, and then the next you are feeling every single emotion as raw as you did when it all happened.
 
As many of you have read, this isn't Big A and I's first pregnancy. Last January, mere weeks after deciding to start trying, I found out that I was pregnant. It was a shock for sure. We were excited, but we definitely thought that it would take a lot longer for it to happen. We dealt with the mixed emotions of the news and I dealt with the nagging feeling that something wasn't right. It turns out that there's something to be said for women's intuition because four short weeks later, we found out that it wasn't meant to be.
 
It was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to go through. And it definitely put our marriage to the test. We had both been through things individually in our relationship, but this was the first time that we were suffering together. It was an extremely difficult time for the both of us. We hit some bumps, but we sat down one night and talked about how something like this could either make or break us. It was how we dealt with this situation that would set the stage for our marriage. I really think that it made our marriage that much stronger in the end.
 
On Sunday, Big A and I took a practice run to the hospital. We had been there a couple times before, but we got a bit turned around the last time and Big A wanted to make sure there were no questions about where to go. I teased him a little about this, but it was really kind of cute how he wanted to make sure that he got us there no problem.
 
We went out to a nice (what could be our last just the two of us) brunch and then headed home to pick up Mr. Fresh. It has been awhile since he had been out of the house and we thought a nice family Sunday ride would be nice. We made a pit stop to look at some trucks, but mostly just chatted along the way.
 
We eventually got on the highway and as we got closer to the exit for the hospital my throat started to feel a little tight. My face started to flush. My chest felt heavy. And all of a sudden hot, salty tears were streaming down my face.
 
It took me a minute to process what was going on. This raw emotion that was pouring out of me, long before my head could catch up with my heart.
 
Big A turned to ask me a question right at that moment and noticed I was crying. He asked me what was wrong and I tried to catch my breath to get the words out.
 
The only thing I could sputter for the moment was that my heart was so full. I couldn't help it. The tears just came.
 
I thought back to a year ago, when we were just coming off that terrible news. I was about two weeks out from having my D&C and I never thought that I was going to make it through that fog.
 
I was still so angry. I didn't know why it was happening to us. Why we lost our baby. Our baby that never really existed anywhere but in our hearts and minds. I felt like my body failed me. I felt like I had wished this upon us with all of my negative thinking. I was mad that it tainted whatever excitement we would have in the future if we ever got pregnant again.
 
It was just such a dark place to be.
 
Now, a year later, we were driving to the hospital to test the route mere days before our son is to be born. And my heart was just so full.
 
It ached for the baby that never was. And for the baby that was yet to be.
 
There's still some anger and hurt, hidden away deep down for what we went through. But there's just so much love and happiness for what we are about to have.
 
I was just so grateful that we were given another chance.
 
So, I cried. For everything that happened. And everything that was going to happen.
 
Big A just held my hand and listened as I sobbed. He told me how he thought about it sometimes too and it still hurt sometimes for him too. It was nice to hear that I still wasn't alone in this. That he was going through what I was too.
 
He just wasn't spontaneously bursting into tears, that's more my MO.
 
It was just so surprising. A year later and these things still come up. I guess I didn't realize that I was still holding my breath.
 
Ever since we found out I was pregnant, I've been holding my breath. Until the first ultrasound, all of the testing, every appointment, every time they went to find the heartbeat. And now that his due date is here, the countdown is single digits, any day, any hour, any minute...I'm still holding my breath. Waiting for him to be ripped away. Taken too soon.
 
I thought I was just anxious not to be pregnant anymore. And don't get me wrong, I can't wait to have my body back. To sleep comfortably (even if it is in hour increments), to tie my shoes, to feel like me again. But I'm really just waiting to see if he is ours for keeps. To hold him in my arms. To hug him. To kiss him. To do all of the things we never got to do with our first "baby".
 
I know these feelings might never go away. I may spend many more minutes, praying that my baby is for "keeps". Hoping to keep him safe, out of harms way. My mother put it best, she said "having a baby is like having your heart walk around outside of your body". And I know she's completely right (as she sometimes has a tendency to be), but I'm just waiting for the minute where the fear takes over, and I question how I'm going to keep my baby safe, and I can hold him in my arms until the calmness washes over me and I can be thankful for every single second I've had with him.
 
So, I guess I'll be holding my breath for a little bit longer. I'm just hoping that this sweet little boy doesn't make his mom and dad wait too much longer. We've been waiting for him longer than he's ever existed and we are so ready to meet him. Our "for keeps" baby. He is more loved and wanted than he will ever know. We just hope he comes soon so we can show him. 

8 comments:

  1. This was so bittersweet to read! I had seen hints of a loss but I didn't know the full story. I'm so sorry. There are no good words for things like that. But I'm so glad you are where you are now. Your sweet baby will be here any time now and the feeling that he really is here for keeps will be wonderful. It's my personal superstitious belief that an emotional meltdown (or meltup?) signals that labor will start soon! I had one of the biggest panic attacks of my life the night before I went into labor. It's almost time!

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  2. I think what you guys went through will always be tough to deal with. But I think you are right, it has definitely made your relationship stronger. Sending you hugs today!! And come one Baby P!! Your Mom and Dad really want to meet you!

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  3. Back in June 2012 I suffered an ectopic and in March 2013 a miscarriage. We got pregnant with our Jack shortly after. I remember my little ones and love the blessing that Jack is for me. Its ok to feel these emotions. Its healthy to feel all the things you feel. Try and rest the last part of your pregnancy
    Thinking of you

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  4. :) this post made me cry sad, hurtful tears and extreme happy tears. Baby P is coming so soon. There are going to be more of those tears when you finally get to meet your son! He is yours to love on every single day!!

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  5. Thinking of you. Hoping everyone goes great and that you will soon be holding a healthy baby boy in your arms.

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  6. awww prayers and thoughts to you and your hubby. my heart goes out to you. i wish i could say i knew what it felt like but I don't. and i'm sure this baby will be watched over by your angel baby. :D can't wait to see your son. why no pics of baby bump?

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  7. Ooo this post makes me want to squeeze you even though you would punch me for touching you. I think it's totally natural to have the feelings you're having...it's like you've been holding your breath for 9 months waiting for the other shoe to drop. Except the good news is that the only thing dropping is your bump as you get ready to meet little J. I imagine the test run to the hospital is emotional enough but just remember that the next time you're there, you'll be walking out with this awesome dude that will change you so much. Everything happened the way it did for a reason and you and Alex are so much stronger, and better parents, for it. Hang in there, xoxo.

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