Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Back to Work: Being a Working Mom Blows

Written: May 22, 2014

It's my third day back, and I have to say it is just getting harder from this point. Granted, I have the relief of knowing that for the next 4 days, my squishy little boy will be in my arms, but today is hard. He's been sleeping the past two days when I get home and pretty much been out for the night. There were days when I was home when I would pray for naps like that, but alas, no. He just uses them to punish me. I've probably seen him awake for about two hours in the last two days. Which means, he's only seen me for two hours in the past two days.

I feel like I'm missing too much already. What skills is he going to master while I'm at work? What new things will he try when I'm not there to see it? Who is going to see the amazement on his face when he does something for the first time? I just feel like I'm missing it all. He's only little once and I just want to soak up every single second of him. I just don't see this getting any easier.

I've just been holding him while he is sleeping. I'm sure someone is going to tell me how I am ruining my child and he won't ever sleep without being held until he is 30 and paying out the bum for therapy to figure out just how much his mother screwed him up. BUT... it's been the only time that I get to hold him. I just take in his tiny little face. Watching the faces he makes in his sleep. Breathing in deep the delicious smell of baby. Making note of every single tiny detail about him so I don't miss anything. Don't forget anything. Kissing him softly on his cheeks, his head, and his hands. It's the only time that I get with him. So I just hold him and the rest of the world can wait.
 
Written: June 17, 2014
 
I started writing this post right when I went back to work, and like most things I forgot about it and it went to the wayside. I've been terrible with things like that. I will go to text someone back and realize it is three days later. It's terrible.
 
I've gotten a little more used to being back at work now. It still isn't my most favorite place to be, but then again after days like yesterday it is nice to have a little break. (He was a monster, which is totally out of character for him!)
 
It's been a little hard to juggle everything. I feel very overwhelmed most of the time. I feel like I have 12,000 things to do and only time to do half of them. Something ALWAYS falls to the wayside. The house is dirty. We ate out a lot the first couple weeks. I'm currently trying to figure out how I am going to clean the pool, go to Target, and figure out how/when we will get groceries, all of which really should be done today. But I had a work event at lunch and I like to just rush home to Baby J, so I feel like I have no time to do it.
 
I told myself that I should make a chore chart, but I haven't found the time to make one. Ironic, no? I'm loving the amount of time I still get to be home with Baby J. He changes so much every single day so I am glad I get to be there. He rolled over for the first time on one of my work from home days. If he was in day care full time I wouldn't have seen that. Someone else would have.
 
We have his sleep/nap schedule nailed down a bit more, so he isn't sleeping the entire time I'm home now. Which is nice. He sometimes waits to take a nice afternoon nap until I'm home, but I usually take some time to sit with him and then get some stuff done until he wakes up.
 
Honestly, it isn't the most perfect situation, but it is a hell of a lot better than it could be. I was so heartbroken when I went back to work. It physically hurt to leave him. It was the most horrible feeling. But, it has gotten a little bit easier. My mom has gotten really close with him, which makes it so much easier to leave him with her if Alex and I need a date night. Alex and Baby J are still figuring each other out a bit, but I can see how much this extra time alone is really strengthening their relationship. It's so amazing to see them look and laugh at each other. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still a total baby hog, but it's getting easier to share.
 
I so still wish that I could be home. I told Alex that we need to figure something out by the time we have another one. I at least want to be able to take the full 12 weeks of maternity leave. The 8 was FAR too short. I would have really liked that extra time with him.
 
I don't cry anymore when I think about it, which helps. It took me a little bit to heal from it all, but it's getting better. I never really imagined myself being so into my kid, but apparently I am. I knew I would be crazy about the little guy, but some part of me thought that I would be craving my independence again. I do sometimes, but only when he's being a nut job. The second I'm away from him I hate it.
 
As you can see, the first part of this was written by a VERY emotional Mother. I'm pretty sure I was choking back tears writing it. But it HAS gotten easier. I mean, it's still not OK, but we are all surviving.
 
Work is a lot more enjoyable now too. I think it's because I only have to deal with everyone a few days a week. So, if someone bothers me I know I can have some good space from them. Plus, usually I'm so busy when I'm in the office that I don't have much time to spend interacting with anyone. I usually see Baby J at lunch, so that helps break up the days too. I look forward to the days when I can reclaim my lunch hour, but for now I'm happy to spend it with my little man. This place used to be such a big part of my life, but not it's just to pay the bills. I'm not focused on anything else other than coming in, getting my work done, and getting home to my baby. Which takes the pressure off a little.
 
So, while being a working Mom blows... it isn't really all that bad. I have a good set-up though. I don't know how I am going to deal when I have to be back in the office 5 days a week, but I'm hoping to have figured something out by then. Hopefully.

4 comments:

  1. A lot of people stay home after the second just because it ends up being too much to juggle work in the mix. But there are also lots of people who do make it work...I can tell how hard this was for you throughout this whole post, it's heartbreaking. I'm glad to hear it's gotten a bit better though. I agree 8 weeks is SO short. We need to get on board with other countries who offer like 2 year maternity leaves.

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  2. I am so dreading having to go back to work when our baby comes. I have a pretty demanding job and work late hours fairly often and the thought of being away from the baby makes me so sad. Hopefully my work will be a little more flexible like yours is so I can spend more time with the baby.

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  3. I started to read this, but I had to stop. I am struggling BIG time with the thought of leaving my baby boy to go back to work and he's not even here yet. I'm sure further in this post is some more encouraging words, but I just can't!!!

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  4. No offense, but your country needs to get on board with maternity leave! Here is something that I found interesting....http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/04/maternity-leave-paid-parental-leave-_n_2617284.html

    I know to some people it isn't a big deal but I think it is so important for baby and Mom to be with eachother! I am so glad that your situation is better then most! I couldn't imagine leaving Sam with someone else right now! We both go to work on Thursday mornings and I do some work stuff at home but other then that, it's just him and I for the next year. And the funny thing is, as hard as it will be, I think I'll be ready next April to have to go to Daycare and get back to work full time again because I know I'll have had that full year with him.

    Hugs to you, I couldn't imagine being in your situation but thank goodness you guys are adjusting and finding your own routine! xoxo

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