Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Growing Up and Growing Apart

I'm going to take a little break from gushing about my Little Man, to get a little personal here.
I feel like, in the past 2 years, I've gone through a kind of transition in the friend department. It seems like as you get older and start going through big life events like engagements, weddings, buying a house, having a baby, etc. it really starts to show you who your true friends are.
It kind of sucks because who knows how long you have been friends with someone before all of this shit hits the fan. I mean, I feel like there should be some kind of friend boot camp. You get 6 months to see how you like each other, and then you can either enter boot camp or part ways. The boot camp will show you just exactly HOW a friend will act when things start to get hard. I don't know about you, but I don't really care who is there for all the good, happy, fun times. What really matters to me is who is going to be standing next to me when the dust settles. That's what counts.
I'd like to consider myself a ride or die kind of friend. I know I'm pretty gangster, but in all seriousness that's how I feel. I will go above and beyond for you if we are close. I will trust you completely from the start. Chances are I'll even give you a couple opportunities to screw up and STILL give you the benefit of the doubt.
I'll tell you when I'm pissed not because I'm an asshole, but because it is worth it to me to work on our relationship rather than stew and resent. If you really upset me and we can't get through to each other, then I'll usually take a step back. I'd rather work through things myself and come back when I'm ready than continue to fight or struggle.
You may think I'm abandoning you, or leaving you high and dry, but the truth is that I don't want to damage our friendship any further than it already has been and I'm trying to get through whatever bothers me myself. Because sometimes, maybe it IS me. Maybe I'm being unrealistic. Maybe I'm being jealous, or petty, or just silly. Maybe some other shit is going on and you just so happened to be in the wrong place at the right time.
I like to methodically think real hard before I take a step. I don't like to make mistakes. I HATE to apologize. And I will perseverate on my regrets for the rest of my life. So, I try not to put myself in those situations.
My problem starts when I feel like I am backed into a corner. When I feel like I have discussed something at length, multiple times, multiple ways, 'til I'm blue in the face, thinking that we have everything settled...and then the person just goes and does whatever the fuck they wanted anyway. I feel like I wasted my time, and there's nothing that pisses me off more than when someone wastes my time.
Another way to lose me for good? Continue to push me. If I ask for space. Give it to me. I'll come back when I'm ready. I promise. BUT... if you continue to push me, then I'm going to walk away. I don't want to snap. I don't want to do or say anything that I might regret (although, GOD it would feel good to just be able to unleash sometimes, oh the things I would say. I would like to think that I have thought about it all enough that I would be very matter of fact about it, but honest. However, regardless of how honest it is, I know it would still hurt people, so I keep my mouth shut...for now...) If I am no longer able to handle a situation constructively, I'm out. It's just how I am.
You can call me a bitch. Or an asshole. Or a see you next Tuesday (make sure to do this one on Facebook, like a little 15 year old girl). Maybe you think I'm a bad friend. Or I abandoned you. Or you think that I used you and just threw you away when it was no longer convenient for you. Go for it. Do your worst. But think of this... chances are... if I walked away from you, you pushed me to it.
You see, I'm pretty much an emotional cutter. I hang onto things LONG after they have gone from healthy to toxic to borderline abuse. I always want to work things out. I'll always try everything I can possibly think of. I hate to fail. I'm a bleeding heart. I want to believe that EVERYTHING can have a happy ending. However, at some point, I need to stop hurting myself and letting YOU hurt me and be done with it.
There was a whole bunch of bullshit that surrounded our wedding. I didn't talk about it a lot because I was hopeful that everything would work itself out, but here we are almost 2 years later and I don't talk to either one of my maid of honors. It was like a curse. Don't be the maid of honor in my wedding. Chances are we won't be friends anymore.
I just felt like for once in my life, I needed people to have MY back and I found myself standing alone a lot. It was disheartening to say the least. I felt like people couldn't get past their own shit and I found that I was explaining myself for what I was doing for MY wedding too much. I hate explaining myself. I don't feel like I should have to. To anyone. I think that I make a conscious enough effort to look at what I am doing and how it would have an impact on anyone else. So, no... I don't have to explain myself to you.
For awhile I wondered if I was the problem. All of a sudden there were all of these issues with all of these people and I was the common denominator. And it was true. I was. I was the problem, but only because I changed. I stopped letting people do whatever they wanted. I spoke up for myself. I called people out on the bullshit. And when the dust settled, I found myself with a few less friends.
So be it.
I'm not happy about it. It sucks that it all had to be this way. But I'm finding myself being better off. People don't change. The same bullshit is STILL going on, just now with other people. And I'm just standing back watching the mess. It's just a shame that it has to be this way.
It didn't need to end like this.
But, I guess that is just how things were meant to work out. You get older, people start drifting apart. Such is life. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck. Just means we are all growing up.
I guess I don't really know where I was planning on going with this post. Just that I'm sick of fighting with people. I'm sick of the drama. I'm just all done with it. So I'm not going to do it anymore. Or, at least I'm going to try not to. Sometimes I think I'm being unfair by just giving up so easily now, but honestly, I'm just over it. I'm over the fighting, the backstabbing, the shit talking, the uncomfortable social situations. I'm over it. And if at the end of the day, it's just me, my husband, my baby, and my dog, then whatever. I'm cool with that. At least I know that at the end of the day, they have my best interest at heart.
Except for the baby...he would sleep more if he had my best interest at heart.
And the dog would stop trying to trip me at the top of the stairs.
On second thought... I'm moving to Aruba by myself and I'll catch you all later. 

1 comment:

  1. Ohhh you know how much I agree with you. I think it's so easy to feel like everything is happening at once and if everyone has a problem, well then it has to be you right? Not necessarily. There are definitely times that is true but usually only if it's the same issue with everyone. I've certainly felt that way before and had to remind myself that I wasn't doing these things, other people were.

    One of the biggest lessons I've learned as I've grown older is to lower my expectations of people. If you put a lot of pressure on a relationship to be something that it's not, you constantly end up disappointed. Now, that's not saying that you shouldn't have certain expectations from your friendships. If you treat someone well with kindness and respect, you should absolutely get that in return. But people think differently. I used to get really hung up on how it seemed like I was the one always taking pictures, creating the keepsakes, and doing special things for others but then it felt like I was always excluded when others would do the same thing, just with other people. I had to learn to just let it roll off my back and not care so much even though it still hurt my feelings.

    I worry about this happening even more with having a baby and losing the things I have in common with some of my friends now. It's already started happening now that I can't drink or party and whatnot. Getting older blows, but at least you know who the real people in your life are because they stick around.


Little Somethings...