Monday, October 26, 2015

Now We Know: A Verbal Vomit of Marriage Life and Adjusting to Life with a Newborn

I came across this article the other day. I'll give you a chance to read it quick.
If you won't want to read it, the whole premise of it is that the woman is talking about how when she had her baby, she never thought it would have been possible to hate her husband. In the middle of the night, in the middle of exhaustion, she hated him. He could do nothing right. But then again, neither could she. It was a tough transition for them and she often questioned whether or not they would make it. Would their marriage survive this?
I shared it on Facebook and hesitated a little bit before I hit the "publish" button. I'm pretty open and honest about my life. I don't sugar coat things. But, I was worried that people wouldn't agree with how I felt. Or didn't want to admit that they agree with how I felt. (Plus, I knew my mother in law might read it and I didn't really want her to think of me wanting to kill her son. But... then again, she's a mom of two kids, I'm sure she felt that way at some point)
Thankfully, a bunch of people shared it and commented on it. The jist that I got was "me too!", which made me feel better.
It also made me realize that 19 months later it was the first time that I really heard someone else put into words what I felt.
When we first brought John home, there was the honeymoon period, like there is with all stages of life! We were both pretty clueless, exhausted, nervous, and we were in it together. I couldn't have loved this man more. We just had a BABY together. It was just the most amazing feeling in the entire world.
And then Alex went back to work. He went back to his "old life" and while I know that he wishes that he could have stayed home with us longer and he worried about us all day, all I thought about was that he got to go back to his old life. He go to be himself again, and I didn't even know who I was. I spent 24/7 at home, usually by myself, and it was hard.

Alex had little to no experience with babies, so I was really on my own to try to figure stuff out. I talked to my mom a lot, and friends with kids, but it would have been nice to have someone IN it with me. That I wasn't the only one making all of the mistakes. Everything kind of snow-balled from there. I was doing most of everything, so it was a lot easier for me to just continue to do it rather than teach Alex how to do it. Or let him figure out his own way. I'm pretty particular in how I like things done, and I wanted him to do it MY way. But, he wanted to grow as a parent, as a father, he wanted to try his own things. It wasn't necessarily wrong, it just wasn't how I would do things.

Honestly, it took a lot of work to get US back. I remember when John was 5 weeks old, feeling SO far away from my husband, thinking that we would never find US again. I asked my mom if she would babysit one night so that we could go out to dinner. I wasn't ready to leave our sweet boy, but I needed to grab a hold of my married before it floated too far away.

So that's what we did. Once a month, we went out to dinner. Just the two of us. It wasn't long. We spent the entire time talking about the baby. But, it was just what we needed. Overtime, we got more comfortable leaving him. We left him for a little longer. A little more often. We started to see our friends more, which helped with feeling like our "old" selves again. For awhile it was hard because we never got time to ourselves, so if we had a sitter, we just kept it to us, but as he got older and we noticed that he really didn't care that we were gone since he was having so much fun with my parents, we went out a little more often so it was easier to spend time with friends.

It also helped that as he got older, we could bring him more places. I mean, sometimes I want to slap myself in the face because, duh, there's nothing easier to tote around then a tiny baby who can literally eat and sleep ANYWHERE, but we were dumb and new and nervous. We didn't know. (Our poor second child will be dragged all over creation!)

It got easier. We found us more. It took some time though. And it is still work to find time for us. It is SO easy to just get caught up in the entire world. The demands. The to do lists. It is SO easy to push each other aside because it's the "least important thing on your list", but that is SO wrong. SO WRONG!

You chose each other. You chose forever. To share a life. Through sickness and in health. For better or for worse. You owe it to yourselves and each other, to never lose that. A hard part for us was that we were never much work. I mean, it wasn't always sunshine and roses, but that connection was always there. This was work, and it was SCARY!

Now we know the importance of it. Even if it means just making sure that we sit together on the same couch, while doing two completely different things. Just to have that closeness. It all helps. Every single bit.

So know that it will suck. Know that you will kind of hate each other at times. That's normal. Just know that it isn't forever. It doesn't have to be anyway. It's just a season. But it's work. And you're worth it.

I guess I just wish someone had said it to me. That it was normal. That my marriage wasn't crumbling. That we could fix it. It was terrifying to be a new mom and wonder where our lives were going. And I know that some of it was probably dramatized because of lack of sleep and heightened emotions, but still. It was scary.

So... it's NORMAL. I'm sure we will go through it again with the next one. We'll have to reevaluate our lives again to adjust to the next squirmy little baby. But now we know. And we know what to look for. And that it's worth it. Now we know. 

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE this!!! I had read that article last week. I too had felt these same feelings too! Not at first. I was on a baby high or something. However, when Jack was about to turn 3 months, I was about to return to work and it was my birthday AND my husband FORGOT!!!!! I was so hurt that he forgot my birthday that I really hated him, lol. Jack is almost 2 and I'm finally feeling we are back to our normal! We have to do a better job at paying attending to ourselves as husband and wife rather than mom and dad!!!


Little Somethings...