Monday, September 5, 2016

And We Keep Moving...

I haven't had much to say the past couple days. Or maybe I have too much to say. Not really sure which.
 
Originally, I thought this was all terrible timing. Alex was finishing up his last days at his job and getting ready for his week off. Which meant that his last days and his first days off were filled with a lot of not great things. But, we also got to spend a lot of time together, which I think was a blessing. We spent some of that time not being so nice to each other, but it's hard when everyone has so many thoughts and feelings going around. Everyone deals with things differently.
 
I figured that Alex understood what was going on, since we have been through this before, but this time was so much different that I don't think that he really got it. It all happened rather quickly, there was no hospital visit, it was a completely different story with the same outcome. It wasn't until I found him an article that was meant to help explain to men what was going on, that he really started to understand. He apologized and said that since he thought I was doing better that things were different. It's hard to explain to someone that when they think you are "OK" it is really just taking every single part of your being to be "OK". It's work. Lots of work.
 
I went to the doctor on Friday for more blood work. My levels went back to zero, which I guess is a good thing. If they didn't, then I think that would represent that there was something going on. It seems that my body did what it was supposed to and I am relieved that it wasn't necessary to go to the hospital. That was probably one of the most traumatizing parts of last time, so I'm glad that we got to avoid that.
 
It's still a bit weird though. Yesterday we had our cookout that we planned to tell everyone at, so that was pretty gut-wrenching. It was hard to see Alex smile and giggle at the little babies, not knowing if I'll be able to give that to him again. It's hard to try and remember if I'm supposed to eat something or not, and then remember that I can eat whatever I want. It's hard to feel sick, or start to feel hungry and attribute it to the baby, which I then remember that there is no baby, so it's obviously something else. It's just hard.
 
I'm not really sure how I am feeling about my doctor now. I really liked her before. When we got pregnant the first time, we decided that we would ask for recommendations for a new doctor because the hospital that she delivers at is really far away. But, they were so amazing to us during out first miscarriage that we stayed. I'm so glad we did. She was wonderful, she ended up delivering John even though she didn't need to since she was filling in for another practice. The hospital was amazing, even though the drive in was dreadful. We considered ourselves lucky that I went into labor early on a Saturday morning, rather than during rush hour during that week. But, she switched practices about a year and a half ago. I followed her even though the office is a lot less convenient for me. But, throughout this whole process, I've been very disappointed in how the office has handled it. It took me from Monday to Thursday, calling every single day about my test results and eventually falling apart on the phone to the woman to finally be able to talk to my doctor. The messages back and forth have been confusing and I emailed her last Monday to clear up my confusion on a couple of things and I still haven't heard from her. God forbid I was pregnant and something was seriously wrong with me (which... I guess you could say is what happened before) would it be like this? Would be lose valuable time because no one would get back to me? I don't know how I feel about it.

If we switch doctors, I wouldn't even know how to go about finding one. I've had her for as long as I have needed a doctor. I liked the hospital, but there are definitely ones closer that I we could choose from. So do we choose a doctor or a hospital first? Or both? So many questions.

The questions just keep coming, I guess.

So that's where we are. Things aren't completely devastating, which I guess is good. We are trucking along, which is good. We have been enjoying spending a lot of family time together, which is always good for the soul. We have one more day left before Alex starts his new job and John and I start our new morning routine. Alex has been responsible for bringing John to wherever he is going since day one pretty much. I've had to make sure everyone has what they need each morning, but I've only had to get myself out the door. It will be a change, but a welcome one for all of the time we will get with Alex now.  

1 comment:

  1. Hey! I had no idea you were back to blogging. I also had no idea you were going through this. I'm so sorry! I wish I had the words to ease the pain. I'm here for you though. Just like you mentioned in a earlier post someone that isn't in your daily life that you can talk to...that's me! All the positive vibes your way!!

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