Friday, September 23, 2016


I had my follow-up doctor's appointment today.

I didn't know what to expect. Why would I? Despite my attempts to ask numerous questions, it seems that they are taking a break from making communication a priority.

I arrived late due to a shit storm at work. Although, that's pretty much my all day every day reality currently, so I should probably just say that I was late because of work and leave it at that. So that's how the day started.

There was a "traffic incident" on my route, so my handy-dandy GPS re-routed me. Cool. I got to the appointment and realized that I had time to spare. Except at 10:19 I realized that my appointment was at 10:15. So that was fun too.

Thankfully, the doctor was running late so I didn't feel so bad.

I didn't have to wait in the room long. I tried to drown out the sounds of my work phone going off repeatedly and catch up on my US Weekly. I was trying not to think of why I was there. I was trying not to think of that I had an appointment around this time when I was supposed to be there, obviously for better reasons. I tried not to think of the fact that I should be 9 weeks by now. Feeling like shit. My pants starting not to fit. Obsessing over whether the baby was a boy or a girl. Or how we should redo the room. Or, I don't know, anything other than the fact that I was in the doctor's office because I had a miscarriage. Again.

It worked for a little bit. Until the person in the room next to me go to hear their baby's heartbeat.

God I missed that sound. I would have done anything to be hearing that. Anything.

Not too long after that, the doctor walked in and asked how I was doing. I always find that to be a strange question. Especially when people are asking directly about it. I mean, I don't have anything better to suggest that you say. I just don't know how to answer it.

I told her that I was still waiting for a response on something, to which she blamed the nurses, again. They had a student in the room with us. No one asked me if it was OK. Apparently talking about my multiple miscarriages was a great way to break the ice with a new friend.

She went through the list of things that she was checking, looking for, advised me that I should take a break from trying and I told her I wasn't. I said that everything seemed to be doing what it should and that everything went back to normal. All in all, everything began and was over within a week and a half. My hcg levels were low to begin with and they went right back down to 0. I told her that it was detrimental to my mental and emotional health to wait without a valid medical reason.

I also them reminded her that that was precisely the question that I had asked her about over a month ago that the "nurses never answered".

I didn't really get a great vibe from her today, which is a shame because she has been my doctor for the better part of a decade and I've always really liked her. I felt more like she though that I was this crazy person who was still trying to have a baby despite everything that could still go wrong. Her bedside manner isn't always spot on. Like the time she saw my weight gain when I was pregnant and gasped... and then told me to lay off the carbs.

Replay that.

Saw my weight gain. Pregnant.


Told me to lay off the carbs.



I guess I just thought there might be a little bit more tact in this situation. But, what do I know. I definitely have never been to medical school.

All in all the appointment was pretty disappointing. She did some blood work to see if there's something up with my chromosomes, or my thyroid, or if I have a blood clotting disorder or something. She suggested Alex get tested too, but I'm not even sure where to start with that. She didn't give me any instructions so I don't know if I'm supposed to send the information to her or not. She also told me that those are the three things that she starts to test for, but she doesn't really to expect to find anything.

So it is what it is.

I am where I was yesterday, except that I got to spend my morning unable to avoid what I spend most of my time attempting to avoid. Healthily of course.

I just want to know when we get our baby.

If we get our baby.

I just want our baby. 

1 comment:

  1. I remember the after appointment too and asking when I could try again and my doctor telling me to wait two cycles and try again. That unless I felt off it was okay to try. That I know my body better than anyone and to go with that. Miscarriage is a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And I remember feeling like I wouldn't be okay again until I was pregnant. I got pregnant again and had twins! I know this time seems so dark and hopeless but the best advice I can give is to feel those feelings of anger and hurt and sadness. It's okay. And know your not alone. Plus if your doctor is not giving you what you need find a new one, life is too short to not feel supported in such a big area


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