Monday, September 26, 2016

Processing...

While I'd like to say that I'm handling this all pretty well, for the most part, I definitely have my moments.

It doesn't help that work is a complete nightmare right now. Or maybe it does. While it gives me something else to perseverate on, it piles on the stress. So, I guess it's a bit of a double-edged sword.

I had a baby shower to attend this weekend. This is nothing new. My friends are a wildly gestating bunch and a month doesn't go by that I'm not celebrating the arrival of another little cherub. Some of them, recently, have been a bit emotional as I realized that I was ready to add another to our family. But, not emotional in a bad way. Just in a, "I can't wait to do this all over again" kind of way.

I made it through the shopping no problem. John threw an epic tantrum in the store because we wouldn't let him play with a mobile forever and then Grammy was looking at him wrong. So I shipped him out to the car with Grammy to give him all the dirty looks she wanted (I kid, he was obviously just being a nut job) and rushed through buying everything. Between that and not being able to easily find anything on the registry, I was fairly distracted.

I was also convinced that last month was a fluke and we would find ourselves pregnant immediately and this would all be a distant nightmare.

Imagine my surprise when I find myself here, the weekend of the baby shower, coming off a terrible doctor's visit, not pregnant, and now having to spend my day celebrating someone else having a baby.

I'll be honest. I almost didn't go. I didn't know if I had it in me. I just wanted to sit at home and feel sorry for myself.

I tried to remind myself that the girl whose shower I was going to has had her struggles too. She didn't know when/if she would be able to get pregnant due to her health issues and it was a long road to get here. Not that she needed to struggle to deserve happiness, but I know where she has been and I know what it feels like to finally get to your baby shower that you wondered if you would ever have.

So I went.

And it was hard.

I think it surprised me how hard it was. Usually, I can prepare myself. But this kind of came out of nowhere and left me in tears quite a few times before I got there.

Thankfully, once I got there, there was enough to keep me pre-occupied. And there was booze. Booze always helps.

After that though, I was exhausted and unfortunately had to cancel on Family Dinner. I felt bad, but I'm trying to recognize my limits. I just needed to be home. Alex, John, and I had a nice dinner just the three of us, did bath time, and bed time and then Alex and I watched some TV and went to bed early. It was a nice, quiet.

 I needed quiet.

 

2 comments:

  1. Ugh I'm sorry, I know that's not easy. I actually had to help throw my sister-in-laws baby shower 2 weeks after my miscarriage. Obviously I had a good reason to not attend and probably wouldn't have if it were anyone else but it was for my brothers first child so I went. It was tough.

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  2. I am sorry about your work nightmares. And the baby issues. I know it can be annoying to hear cliche "It will happen when it's meant to" comments. So...just hugs. I hate that it's hard for some responsible, intelligent people to conceive. I will pray for you.

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Little Somethings...