I wasn't really sure if I was going to post about this. Mainly because I'm not sure how I feel about it. There's a part of me that feels stupid. There's a part of me that feels reckless. There's a part of me that feels broken. There's a lot going on in this 'ole brain of mine.
But, I've gone through the story this far, so let's continue shall we...
Last we "chatted" I was coming off a baby shower that was a lot more difficult for me to attend than I anticipated, but through the help of a mimosa and 3 Coors Lights, I made it through.
I was still waiting to get the month over with and kicking myself a little for thinking that everything would happen so quickly and we would all just be moving right along into expecting another baby.
I couldn't get it out of my head that I thought I was pregnant and had convinced myself that I was just another one of those crazy people who had spent so much time wishing and hoping and praying that they had convinced themselves that they were pregnant.
Imagine me, 9 months pregnant, going into labor, only to find out that I had made the entire thing up in my head.
Now, let's stop for a minute here and set some things straight. I don't actually think that anyone is crazy. I think that this process is gut-wrenching and sometimes all you have to hold onto is hope. That you need to let your heart have those few days where you think it's possible because they are way better than the days that you know it isn't.
I bought myself more tests, because the 20,000 that I had already taken (and squinted at, swearing I saw something) weren't good enough. I had taken a couple days off from peeing in a cup and just decided that every few days I would test until it was obvious that I wasn't, just to make my head feel better. (You'll notice that I don't talk about "female" things. Ew. Just read into the references and we'll pretend that I'm not actually talking about this.)
I came home Tuesday afternoon, took a test to ease my mind as I poured myself a large glass of wine. Except, imagine my surprise when I saw two lines. Yeah. Two lines.
I called to Alex and freaked out. I texted Nicole. I texted Kelli. I texted Lindsay. I needed my people. I then stopped texting people, because it had been 12 seconds and it was becoming excessive.
Alex and I told ourselves this would be it. We would be OK. That we were so lucky to get this chance again. That we would bring this baby home.
I called the doctor the next morning and went in immediately for blood work (they promised to keep a close eye on me). I sat nervous all day. I got the blood test results back from Friday, which made my heart race when I got the "result" email, only to find out it wasn't what I was looking for. At least the didn't find anything, so that was good.
I never did get the email, but I finally found the result. My hcg was a 4.
They don't even consider that pregnant.
I called to talk to the doctor, but why would she ever be available? I spoke to the nurse, explained my situation. Neither of us could figure out how I could have a positive home pregnancy test with only a 4, and she told me to come back on Friday. They'd figure this out.
So I sit. I wait.
I take 12,000 more tests. They get lighter. They turn negative.
I was pretty hopeless about it. I got an email from my doctor that my pregnancy test was negative. I explained to her what I talked to the nurses about and what the plan was. Not that I would hear back from her. God forbid she actually calls me and has an actual conversation with me, knowing everything that's been going on. Nope. Please tell me twice in an email that I'm not pregnant.
Friday morning I wake up and decided to take one more test and then head in for blood work. Just to see what's going on. But, I don't need to and my heart sinks.
So, I called out of work and just did my thing. I needed some time.
I'm assuming it was a chemical pregnancy, since it happened so quick. I'm also assuming that this is some sort of sick joke that is being played on us because I can't honestly think that we are here, again, one more later dealing with this bullshit. Because that's what this is. Bullshit.
I'm a little less emotional this time around, but when I am it comes out of nowhere. Just driving. Or sitting on the couch. Or doing something normal. And it hits me.
I feel sick. Or tired. Or weird. And wonder if it's the baby. Then I remind myself that I'm not pregnant. So it's obviously not. Those are usually the times that I get upset. The fact that I have to remind myself that I'm not pregnant. That I'm not 10 weeks along. Or 5 weeks along. That there is no baby growing because I lost both of them.
Those are the parts that get me.
I think I'm definitely switching doctors. The ride out to her has been terrible and I feel like I deserve a little extra TLC right now and she's made me jump through hoops to talk to her and made me feel like shit when I actually do. Not really someone I'm comfortable with anymore. Not really sure what the plan is for that going forward but I have some time.
Alex and I have decided to take some time off from things. I think I need to let my body and my heart heal a little bit. I don't think that I can do this again. Alex is already talking about how this will be our last baby, if we ever get one, and that breaks my heart too. I always saw us with three. I always imagined it being MY choice how many children I had and not out of fear of not being able to have more.
I can't help but feel a little broken. A little deceived by my body. Wondering why it doesn't work right. Wondering why this keeps happening.
Our pregnancy ratio is plummeting quickly. It went from 1 out of 2. To 1 out of 3. And now 1 out of 4. Which, are not very good odds.
I don't really know what happens next. Or where we go from here. Or what any of this means. I just know what it sucks and no one gets it. Or maybe there's just nothing to get. No one can seem to say anything right, but I think that problem lies more with me. It's not OK. I can't relax. I can't hear that we'll have a baby soon. Or this will all be just a bad memory. I don't want to hear any of it. And I don't want to hear that I "shouldn't think like that" when I tell people that I don't know if this means that John is it for us. I can think about this however I want.
I need to protect my head and my heart from all of this. I need to steal myself for the possibility that John may be the only child that we ever have. I need to start to open myself up to that possibility. Because it IS a possibility. And I just can't hold onto rainbows and unicorns. I can't just think that this is just a blip on the radar. This is huge. This is something that defines me. This is a big part of my life and my story. And people thinking that I can just "move on" from it makes me feel like they are diminishing the amount that this affects me.
But like I said. I don't think anything anyone said to me right now would be right. I think it's just one of those things.
So, here we are. Again. Again.
I'm hoping to one day no longer be writing this posts. I'm hoping that some day my life becomes boring again, so the need to write dwindles. Or maybe I start writing about how blessed we are.
But, until then. Here I am. Again. Again.