Thursday, January 5, 2017

At least for today...

I wrote this blog post months ago. I just haven't had the heart to share it. But, I think it's finally been long enough to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't spend all of this time worried about the "what ifs". So, we'll let the cat out of the bag and hope and pray together.

October 25th, 2016

Third times a charm, right?

At least that's what we are hoping.

So here's the thing. I quit my doctor and found a new one. I can't remember if I wrote about that or not. I wasn't happy with the practice, things are still left unresolved with my doctor, test results are still not back yet (over a month later), I'm just all done with it.

So, I set out to find a new one. I looked at all of the hospitals around and saw who was near me and was taking new patients. I also reached out to my primary care doctor and asked her who she would recommend. She is always pretty honest with me, and brutally honest with me (like when she found out I followed my doctor to her new practice she was happy because she didn't like the hospital that the doctors in her practice were delivering at) so I knew she would let me know.

Except, I'm used to no one getting back to me, so I just went about my research. I found a doctor in the next town over (which is the town that Alex works in), at my old practice, and I loved her. I read her bio and she immediately felt like someone I would be comfortable with. They changed hospitals, so that's not an issue either, and the new one is closer to our house (the one I delivered John at is about 45 minutes away. Luckily, he was born on a Saturday, but if it was ever rush hour traffic it would probably take closer to 2 hours to get thank you). I called to explain my situation and make my appointment and I already love everyone there.

The nurse that I talked to was so nice and sympathetic. They found me someone to talk to immediately and gave me suggestions on what I should do appointment wise. They even just called yesterday to say that my appointment was in a week and that they hadn't received my medical records yet. Saying that they just wanted to make sure that they had all of the information they needed from my old doctor. (The other practice didn't even tell me what to do with my file, so I showed up with it and my doctor was annoyed I hadn't submitted it earlier... what did I know... I've had the same doctors since I was 16 and my mom was still making my decisions!!!)

I'm really looking forward to meeting her. I'm still waiting to hear back from our new insurance to see if they cover a pre-conception meeting because they didn't really know what else to book it under. I just wanted to meet with her to talk about my history so that when I became pregnant again she would know me and I would know her and it would be less weird.

Alex and I just decided to take this month at least and take a step back. I didn't want to go crazy with temping, tracking, etc. We were just going to do our thing. I kept an eye on things just to know what was going on with my body, but since I was gone for most of the time things should have happened I wasn't too worried about it. I was actually pretty OK with giving my body a month or so to relax from the stress of two back to back miscarriages. It seemed like a lot less stress to get a negative pregnancy test than to get a positive one and then lost it again.

Except, as usual, God had other plans.

So, here I am. Pregnant. For the 3rd month in a row. It's REALLY early. Like REALLY early. I'm not 4 weeks until Friday the 28th. I found out last night. I already "knew" though. I'm pretty in tune with my body, so I called it a few days ago. The line is pretty dark for this early though, so I'm considering that a sign. I'm also feeling very calm about it all. I'm trying to decipher if it is calm or numb, but I'm thinking more calm.

I also have to kind of laugh. You know when they say, "You plan, God laughs" or something like that. Well the due date will be the beginning of July, which was the one month I didn't want. We go to Martha's Vineyard every July, so I knew that depending on the due date we might have to skip our trip, which I hate doing. It's hard to go in August because we rent it out, September could work but it wouldn't be much "beach" weather (I know, first world problems". But, here we are. The 4th of July is always SUPER busy for us, so being 11 months pregnant or having a newborn is far from ideal.

BUT...oh my goodness... I don't even care. I just want to be able to take this one home. Boy or girl. Martha's Vineyard trip be damned. Happy, healthy, in my arms. That's all I want.

I'm learning so much of what parts of life that I need to let go of control of. That I need to just go with the flow for my own sanity. I can plan and plan and plan, but I need to learn to be OK with Plan B (or C, or D, or even X). It's a humbling experience knowing that you have absolutely no control over something so important to you. You just need to learn to have faith.

So who knows if we get to keep this one. Or how long we'll have it. But, today I'm pregnant. So, today I'll enjoy it!

Today I'm pregnant.